Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you. ~Roger Ebert
Recently, when I posted about our impending move, I said my writing would likely become frenetic over the coming weeks. It only makes sense that as the chaos increases, so will jumbled and disjointed thoughts.
Before I spew this weeks thematic throw up, let me apologize upfront for the length and rambling nature of this post. There IS a purpose at work here, I promise. I am hoping that by writing through my feelings I will gain clarity.
At the most difficult times in life I have found that despair will meet with faith and optimism if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
So here it goes...
The other day, my husband handed me an article from the Fort Worth Business Press and said, "thought you might find this interesting."
So, I begin to read it.
And I do.
Find the article interesting, that is. But, something strange happened after I start to read the article.
I got depressed.
Very depressed actually, but I try to shake it off.
In fact, I find myself getting so bent out of shape I cannot bring myself to read any more of the article. I set it aside and try to forget about ever seeing this article at all.
But, I can't. I just can't let it go...so the next day, I go back and begin to read the article again. Same reaction occurs.
I try some of my usual methods to get out of a funky mood. I workout extra hard, I even try to "fake it 'til I make it" by writing about being Optimistic! in Friday's ABCs of Conscious Parenting blog:(www.consciousparenting.mymothersfootprints.com)
I want to say this helped, but it didn't.
The article I was reading was about this woman, [by the name of Colleen Hoover], who was sharing how she wrote a book about her life. On a whim Colleen digitally published her manuscript through Amazon.
One thing led to another, and nearly overnight, she got her first two books on the New York Times best-seller list for ebooks! On top of that, she has now signed some amazing multi-book deal with Atria Books.
Now you know why I am depressed. She's accomplished what I have been trying to do for the past eighteen months. And she didn't even really want to do it to begin with!
(Okay, bring out the violins because this is where the Kim Muench pity party starts...)
I know my husband gave me this article to inspire me, yet it has done just the opposite. The article has caused me to question my ability to be successful at writing.
I have sent my book to many folks trying to gain some attention. I have shared my website information with anyone I can think of to build an audience. Literary agents, local news media, yes, even the almighty Dr. Phil. Nothing. Nada...Zilch.
Now, keep in mind that I have done these things while finishing college, continuing to be the best wife and mother I know how to be, spending time on myself to keep mentally and physically stable, and for the last seven months working 25-30 hours a week counseling others with their drug and alcohol addiction.
I think finding someone to help me further my writing "career" is one of two things (1) an act of God or (2) a full-time job. Maybe both.
I HAVE gotten enough positive feedback from friends/family/complete strangers to continue to pursue my writing dream. But it hasn't quelled my nearly constant questioning whether or not I have the ability to really connect or make an impact on my fellow man (or woman).
I know there are other things going on in my life contributing to my mood, but this woman's success at something I want REALLY bad just makes me want to curl up in a ball on my bed and cry until I fall asleep...
And, I know some of why I am so negative and depressed this week is because I am spread really thin. And my thinness is beginning to crack. Faith in my ability to write and connect with other people is leaking out of the cracks.
After all, I didn't even know I had this dream to write until I was 43 years old, maybe it's supposed to take that much time to be successful at it?!
What I don't understand is why God put in my heart the desire to write and then leave me completely baffled as to how to reach others. On the one hand I think, "just stop writing! It's taking up your time and focus on other things that are important." Then the other side of my brain says, "NO! You LOVE writing. It doesn't matter if nobody responds, JUST KEEP DOING IT!" The mental fight that goes on in my head is exhausting and dizzying at times.
Not because I lead some incredibly special, charmed life...but because I think there is SO MUCH value in sharing our lives with one another! Everybody's got a story to tell and lesson(s) learned that can benefit others! I want to hear stories in return for my story sharing!
So, to the Colleen Hoovers and Glennon Meltons of the world I have this to say: although I am [like really, really] jealous of your ability to connect with others through your words, I will not give up on this dream to write! I will not allow the quiet I hear so often to drown out what I know God has solidly put into my heart to pursue!
Love this profetic quote by George A. Sheehan:
"Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be."
Maybe the time hasn't come YET, but it WILL!!!!
THAT is my story and I'm stick'n to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!