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Why your anxious teen needs you to work on YOU!

Photo Credit: Lisa Fotios
Photo Credit: Lisa Fotios

Mom

Mom…

Ma

Ma

Ma!

Mom?

Mom??

MOM!!!!!

Momma

That’s the abbreviated version of what I find on my phone when my 14-year-old daughter is away from me and becomes filled with anxiety. I may only have walked away from my phone for a few minutes but come back to 30-40 messages from her looking for me. It doesn’t happen everyday, but when it does happen and I’m not immediately available, my daughter’s anxiety can turn into panic.

If she gets to Momma I know she’s in a panic mode.

Teen anxiety is on the rise. We think they should be chill and enjoy this time in their lives but the truth is they live in a world ripe with academic stress, demanding extra-curricular activities, college pressure that begins in middle school, puberty, friend drama, budding sexuality… let’s face it, our kids are bearing the weight of a culture we’ve helped create.

Many are experiencing a level of stress that we didn’t encounter until much later in life.

If I get Mia’s texts within the first few times that she reaches out, our general back and forth consists of what ache or pain she’s having in the moment (stomachache, headache, throat pain, dizziness…she’ll say her wrist hurts, even when she hasn’t had tennis practice in a week and there is no obvious reason she would be feeling pain in that area). I will then ask how long it’s been happening/on a scale of 1-10 how much pain is she in/does she think going to the nurse’s office to meditate might help? After a few back and forth texts she moves on with her day and I don’t hear from her again. Once and awhile she does leave class to go to the nurse but then returns to class when ready.

In part, I think her reaching out to me is a way for her to feel heard and validated.

If I don’t catch it in the first few times she texts me…well, let’s just say I’ve picked her up from school more than once this year.

I try to be there for her, but I can’t always be there for her…and ultimately she needs to learn how to best support herself when she is feeling anxious. It’s in our greatest challenges that we practice the coping skills we’ve learned and when we build resiliency for life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Mia’s anxiety began (at least from my observation) in third grade. Sometimes she goes months without any episodes, other times it’s a daily struggle for her. I’ve tried to pinpoint an event, a circumstance, any kind of reason for this…I used to drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. Though I have some suspicions, I don’t have a concrete answer…when asked why she’s anxious Mia often says, “I don’t know why I feel this way.” And I believe she’s telling the truth; often she truly doesn’t know why she’s anxious.

Realizing it was a waste of my mental energy to focus on the why, because whether I had a reason or not it was likely still going to happen, I released the need to know and decided helping her find ways to cope with it was the best way I could support Mia.

So, I have investigated everything from meditation to yoga, CBD oil and energy healing to hypnosis, I’ve continued to educate myself on the symptoms and history of anxiety and depression in our families of origin, I have listened to and read the reports of leading experts who study this subject in teens. I discuss what I learn along the way with Mia and give her the ability to try things so she can see what helps her. Everyone is different; what works for me when I am anxious won’t necessarily be the best (or right) answer for her.

And some anxiety in life is (a) healthy and (b) unavoidable.

Over time Mia has gotten to a place where she meditates (using the Calm app on her phone) before school every morning. I don’t remind her, it’s built into the morning routine she’s created for herself. And, when she goes to bed at night, she spends time writing in her journal.

Mia takes her journal to her biweekly counseling sessions. I am grateful there is another adult in her life she trusts with her innermost thoughts.

These are the coping skills that are helping my daughter deal with what can sometimes be debilitating anxiety.

But there’s one more thing I believe Mia has going for her when it comes to dealing with this challenge…

The one thing I believe helps my daughter most with her ongoing anxiety is having a grounded mother.

What do I mean by that??

I mean that we are our children’s emotional compasses.

Mia has a mom who is doing her own work so that she is emotionally available and attuned to the moods and needs of her kids. I am not afraid to use my voice when my intuition tells me something doesn’t feel right. And I can tap into my intuition because I’m in tune with it. We all have inner wisdom, especially when it comes to raising our children, it’s a matter of learning how to get quiet and pay attention.

I have learned to trust myself and I model this for Mia.

It took me years to trust my gut and to find my own voice; I don’t want Mia to have to go through the same thing. She is given permission to advocate for herself in all areas of her life, including (and especially) where she needs emotional support.

I take the time to listen to the nuances of Mia’s (and the rest of my kids’) challenges and then educate myself to help them navigate the circumstances they are in. I share what I’ve discovered and offer the opportunity to try different methods in order to help whatever the situation they face.

It also helps that I keep my self-care a top priority…physically (daily exercise and rest), spiritually (I practice meditation), and of course emotionally (making sure what goes in…from social media to books to movies to friendships)…feeds my soul.

This is what it means to guide your unique children through their upbringing.

My personal growth work started in earnest more than a decade ago when I learned my oldest son was suffering from an addiction to alcohol. I have learned and experienced that our children show us through their words and behavior where we need to grow.

If you’ve got a kiddo who is experiencing anxiety, or any other behavior or mental health challenge, it is beneficial to look within yourself to explore where you might be contributing to the issue they are having.

This isn’t about placing blame on the parent, yet because most of us were raised with the dominant parenting approach we often have a very difficult time looking within ourselves to make the connections needed to get our children the help they need.

This is about continuing to acknowledge and processing our own natural human emotions, stress releasing skills, and self-care in order to be available to those we love the most.

There was a time when Mia’s counselor suggested medication. I flat out refused to consider it until any and all other options were exhausted.

At this time I believe Mia feels she’s in a routine that, 99% of the time, works for her to manage the anxiety in her life.

I know she’ll let me know if that changes because she understands we’re in this together!

Your emotional health plays a critical role in how your children regulate their emotions and tackle life’s inevitable ups and downs. If you are struggling in your home and family life, please reach out to myself of another helping professional to begin the journey to a healthier, happier, more functional life.

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Why 2019 is the year to invest in family life!

Photo credit: Suzy Hazelwood
Photo credit: Suzy Hazelwood

Every year it’s the same thing…resolve to lose weight, promise to slow down and “balance” your work and home life, stop overspending, quit drinking…same statements, new year.

Mom, what if you did something really meaningful in 2019 and actually made yourself a priority by taking time once a week to strengthen the relationship to yourself? Do you know how you would benefit (aside from some sanity)? In the process of taking care of you Mom, you would create healthier, happier relationships with your family.

I kid you not!

I’m not talking about a gym membership or starting Camp Gladiator, slugging some super amazing pink drink or buying a bunch of essential oils (all great things by the way), I am talking about taking 1-2 hours a week to develop the most important relationship in your life…the one with yourself!

You remember you, right?!

No matter what age the kids are, most moms I know are mentally, emotionally and physically overwhelmed by the daily grind of motherhood because we are born givers, but the last person we think about giving anything to is ourselves!

If you want to do something different this year than make yourself a priority and invest in a service that will help you become the best Mom you can be.

Listen to this short video…

Now, I am not going to tell you that hiring a parent guide is a one-step miracle cure. This is work for women dedicated to rebuilding the concept of putting their needs above others and becoming filled-up so they have the ability to not only meet, but exceed, the needs of their family.

How do I know it works? Because I have been doing this work myself for over a decade and I have been helping other moms practice the kind of self-care that benefits their families now and will reap benefits they don’t even understand when (if) their kids have children and they can both model and support their kids in raising their grandchildren.

I’d love the opportunity to talk with you more about my programs, don’t let another year go by where everyone else’s needs and wants come before yours Mom. Text me at 972-689-0250 to set up a free consultation this week.

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What does it mean to be the best parent for your kids?

Photo Credit: Suzy Hazelwood
Photo Credit: Suzy Hazelwood

I have been talking about conscious parenting both publicly and within my family conversations for the past several years. I believe I have always practiced being a conscious parent, but I first understood the term itself and felt it aligned with the way I was parenting our five kids after reading The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary in 2014.

I have been curious about what my parenting has meant to the adult children in my life, so while the oldest three boys were home for Thanksgiving weekend I decided I wanted to ask each of them some questions about their perception and experience around the way they were parented. There is value in understanding my adult children’s point of view of my parenting practice as I continue through the teen years with Mia (13) and Maddux (15). I know I will continue to talk with them and other young adults as I begin writing a book on the practice of parenting with intention.

The videos of each interview range from 5-10 minutes in length. Truth be told, I could have talked with Nick, Allen-Michael, and Brigham much longer because I had more questions, but they’d all been so kind as to immediately agree to be videotaped with me that I didn’t want to push it.

Under each video are additional comments and reflection about the content.

A little background about my relationship with Nick (for those who may not be aware)…he came into my life just shy of my 19th birthday, shortly after I finished my freshman year in college. I had a very upper-middle-class upbringing and getting pregnant forced me to grow up really quickly. When I made the decision to raise Nick, I was asked to leave my family home. I lived on welfare until I could afford to make ends meet with full-time secretarial work, my mom taking care of Nick so I could do that, and support from Nick’s dad.

His dad and I stayed together for the first few years of Nick’s life, but our relationship was very unhealthy and it eventually ended. This forced Nick to go between two very different households for the remainder of his childhood. While I believe Nick’s dad loved him very much, he was fighting a personal battle that often led to abuse of our son. Nick hid this well, and though I cannot go back and change anything about his experience, I value Nick’s honesty in telling me that I could have tried harder to get him to share more about his weekly visits with his dad. In hindsight I recognize it always took 2-3 days for Nick to readjust to being home with us, and to this day I don’t know the extent of what he experienced physically or mentally while in his dad’s care. His dad passed away in 2010 at the age of forty-two and Nick has done a lot of self-work to move forward past his childhood experience and use of alcohol to self-medicate. Though I didn’t know how difficult his teen years were, I do know I often bragged to my friends about how close I felt our relationship was. We have always been close. In many ways we grew up together. Today Nick is sober, married, and happy in the life he and his wife have built together. Nick and I have a very open, easy-going relationship that I treasure.

Allen-Michael and I have enjoyed many deep conversations in his adulthood. At twenty-five his faith (which has actively developed over the past decade) has led him to travel both the country and the world sharing his love of God and Catholicism with hundreds of young people. He is now in his first year of seminary. It’s interesting because at a time when his faith-life was growing in one direction (in the tradition we…admittedly inconsistently…imparted on him during his childhood), mine has taken a complete shift into a deeper belief and development in a spiritual relationship with God that has nothing to do with religion or church practices. The beautiful thing about this is that we both choose to focus on what we agree on (God exists/there is something larger than ourselves going on/we are an extension of God called upon to serve others) rather than the beliefs we don’t share. While (to be brutally honest) I may not have chosen this path for him, it is not about me. The calling he is following is a good example of releasing our need to have control over our children and their outcomes. The kids who came through me will live out their greatest purpose to the best of their ability and my primary role is to appreciate and support them in that endeavor. I know that if Allen-Michael continues through seminary he will one day make a faithful father to many people. It’s a gift to watch him continue to unfold into a gentle yet strong young man.

Brigham (20, a junior in college) has blessed me and our family so often with his free-spirit…he was the most hesitant to answer my questions without knowing what they were first. Brigham has always wanted to know as much as possible before things happen. This phase of parenting, during the college years, can be be most challenging (based on my perspective having parented for three decades through all phases). It’s really a time when what you’ve worked to model and instill comes through in your child’s actions. Brigham works diligently at everything he does, but at the same time, he’s also very go-with-the flow. There are a lot of moments when anxiety about a choice he might make could hamper our relationship if I chose to defer to fear (breeding disconnection between he and I) instead of holding space for any choice he makes because I understand I am not in control of, responsible for, nor do I want to get in the way of his learning for himself the lessons life is willing to teach him.

It is in our greatest challenges that we grow as human beings.

I believe, and have been outspoken about in many ways over the past few years, raising children is our greatest calling and it needs to evolve from one where the emphasis is on teaching and controlling kids to a place where our role is to guide them by learning who it is they are as we parent WITH them. Putting structure and boundaries in place while giving them lots of choices to discover who they are. I believe a mutually respectful friendship is the end goal when they are independent adults. When and if my kids decide to have children of their own, I’d like them to want me to be a part of their kids lives, not out of obligation but because they love and respect the person I have been throughout their lives.

Parenting is about growing you while raising them (hmmm…sounds like the title of a book…), for me this includes choosing to start and stay involved in conversations that may be difficult in order to develop better connections with my kids, it means making my own physical/emotional/spiritual life a priority so I can be emotionally present for others, and it means speaking out and getting involved in the world wherever I can to bring awareness to the importance of parenting with intention.

If I can be of service to you in navigating the parent/child relationship(s) in your life, please email me through this site or text me at 972-689-0250.

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How we contributed to the collapse of parenting

Photo credit: Nick Demou
Photo credit: Nick Demou

Leonard Sax, MD, PhD is the author of an eye-opening book called The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown Ups. He clearly breaks down the pitfalls our generation of parents have fallen into and then gives several actionable, on-point solutions for parents to take away.

Take a few minutes to watch a video I recorded that captures the essence of this book:

There are three areas where shifts from the past two decades have created a major impact on the way we are parenting today:

First, we are now living in a culture of disrespect. There are a few reasons for this…in part because of the shift in our education system from an emphasis on play and socialization skills (things as simple as taking turns, putting things away, and sharing, to more complex concepts like living a balanced life through self-control, and sometimes you will fail so you can learn resilience) to a focus on academic achievement (other countries were gaining academically on our kids, kids in the U.S. were beginning to appear less smart!). This, in turn, began a shift for parents in two ways…(a) they started to receive the message from school that it is more important to be concerned with academic outcomes than social/life skills, and (b) it then fell to parents to pick up the slack and teach/role model the socialization skills. Problem is, we haven’t done it well, possibly because we didn’t have a good example ourselves and/or because we thought the school was doing it.

In addition, media has increasingly portrayed parents in a grossly different light than they did in the 1980s. In that decade, not only did we have less variety on television but parents/family life was cherished and celebrated, parents were the figures kids came to for help, advice, and sometimes consequences based on their actions.

Have you ever watched the Disney Channel? That’s just one example of how parents are either portrayed as nonexistent or made to look like fools in family life today.

Before they are teenagers, our kids now favor the advice and approval of their same-age peers over us. Yes, adolescence is a time of naturally progressing individuation and desiring to be like the group, but it is happening much earlier and to a greater extreme in our culture today. Our kid’s friends strongly outrank us when it comes being on the receiving end of admiration. And while social media has contributed to this, it cannot be blamed entirely. In countless ways we have gone missing in building the kind of relationships our kids can lean into when they face a challenge. In some respects it’s as if we have forgotten our role (or how important it is)…or maybe it’s because we don’t understand the balance between a strict disciplinarian and being our kids best friend.

The ideal while our kids are becoming independent young adults is to get to a place where we are parenting with them and not over them.

Second area of shift in Dr. Sax’s book is that we have a major obesity issue and kids are overly medicated in this country. The rise in diabetes, ADHD, anxiety, depression and a host of other ills can be attributed to three things: what kids eat, how much kids eat (and how often), and the serious level of sleep deprivation kids in the U.S are experiencing. The chapter on this topic is so eye-opening!

The third MAJOR point (though there are so many minor and just as important points throughout the book) is that our kids have shifted from being able to handle losing and failure to becoming fragile and unable to navigate the natural ups and downs life brings. In simple terms, we have done too much for our kids and in our loving efforts to fix things for them we’ve left them cripple and whining and unable to take on [some of] life’s challenges.

But there’s hope!

After pointing out the many ways in which parenting today is showing up differently and insufficiently than it did when I grew up (in the 70s-80s), Dr. Sax gives us actionable solutions. Here is a bullet list of the ones I feel are most important:

  • Eat together as a family (without electronics) as often as possible. It’s not about the quality of the meal…it’s about being together and checking in. This isn’t rocket science, free up some of your nights.

  • Love your child unconditionally…that means they don’t have to perform (get a specific grade, play a specific sport/instrument to your liking, complete a chore to perfection) for your attention or affection. Think back to your own childhood…did you ever feel like you weren’t good enough or loved by your parent because of a grade or skill? How do you feel about that today?

  • Take vacations as a family…and don’t invite the kid’s friends along. This is a time to really create some memories and connection. Think about it, if that’s your goal and if your kid is busy hanging out with their best friend during your awesome trip to the cabin in the woods, then they aren’t fully invested in the relationships that can be built during the break from the daily family grind during rest & relaxation. Vacations, yes! Friends, no.

  • Take the time to really think about what you value and want to instill in your children and then model it and be sure your family life reflects those values. Don’t allow the messages of the culture to dictate what your family will look like. Do not read this to say “be perfect and make no mistakes”…living your values is a practice, we’re parents…not perfect, right?

    One final thought wrapped in a quote from the book:

    “You must help your child to find meaning in life that is not about their latest accomplishment, or how they look, or how many friends they have, but about who your child is, their truest self.” ~Leonard Sax, MD, PhD

    In my opinion you cannot do this without first being very clear on who your are Mom and Dad.

If you’ve read the book I would love to have you add your comment or write to me at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

Contact Information

(972) 689-0250
realifeparentguide@gmail.com