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Lack of Confidence, a Parent’s Greatest Struggle

“HELP, I need advice on how to handle my 15-year-olds-over-the-top video game addiction, he is literally playing 10-12 hours a day!”

“My 14-year-old daughter doesn’t have a clue as to how to get herself up and ready for school, someone please tell me what’s wrong with kids today????”

“I’ve suggested my teenage son get a job to help support his continuous social life, he told me that’s out of the question. What am I supposed to do, I can’t MAKE him get a job?!?!”

“Which is the best app to track my daughter, I can’t trust her to be where she says she’s going to be and I have no clue where to begin, but I know I’ve got to do something!”

Posted through hundreds of Facebook groups daily, parents are asking other parents for their advice and feedback on everything from discipline strategies to medical issues…what’s going on? How did we get here? It’s easy to fall into the trap of asking others for their opinions and perspectives since social media groups are plentiful and it looks as if everyone else is asking for advice and insight, so why not join the crowd?

I’ll tell you why…

seeking the advice of others about your parenting challenges robs you of the opportunity to hone your inborn intuition and, as a result, connect more deeply with your kids. Somewhere during the social media boom it was decided that everyone else has the answer to our relationship issues and it’s better to look outside of ourselves to get back on the right path with our teenagers.

It’s time for us to reconnect with ourselves so that we can build healthier, stronger relationships with our kids. THAT’S what’s missing. And that’s my mission when working with a parent. To help them reconnect with their own inner wisdom.

Don’t get me wrong, building community among parents of teenagers is needed. In fact, I have created a group in my hometown called Moms Empowering Moms for this very reason, because we can’t always do it alone. BUT, when our go to has become asking strangers to help us navigate parenting dilemmas we are learning to disconnect from our much needed inner wisdom.

You see, the answer is within us.

Now, I don’t mean to say that if our son or daughter is experiencing an ongoing medical or mental health condition we shouldn’t check in with our doctor or a trusted family member or friend, this may be exactly what’s needed. I’m talking about the reliance we’ve developed towards asking people we don’t know [who have their own experiences, perspectives and backgrounds guiding their commentary] to advise us on what to do in a given situation, this breeds (a) a lack of confidence in parenting and (b) looking for the Easy Button.

When experiencing stress or tension in the relationship with one of our kids reconnecting with ourselves is the answer.

But how do we go about doing that?

  1. Stop – Literally take a few minutes of quiet, uninterrupted time to feel into (notice I didn’t say think about) the situation you are experiencing with your child. What is coming up for you to tune into? Thinking can lead to fear which leads to disconnection, the idea is to come from a space of love in order to create stronger connection to yourself and then to your child. Pay close attention to what comes up (beneath the initial fear) by feeling through your heart to invite what appears.
  2. Ask – Once quiet for a few minutes and you begin to move past thinking into feeling, ask for direction. Asking means you are sincerely open to receiving the guidance you need about the particular situation you are concerned about. To tap into your inner wisdom, you must be open to it.
  3. Act – Don’t question what’s coming up, that’s your monkey mind taking over. Our intuition comes from a much deeper place than our mind. It comes from our heart center, from the connection to ourselves and to our loved ones. Proceed in confidence with your gut instinct.

Now more than ever our teenagers need for us, their parents, to be clear and intentional in the relationship with have with ourselves and with them. They need our wisdom and guidance, not in the form of a lecture but in the knowing that we are available to support and encourage them right where they’re at.

No matter what situation they find themselves in.

Our culture and the pace of life we’re continually being sold does not lend itself well to this exercise of stopping and checking in but if we are to become connected to ourselves, therefore emotionally available to our kids, then making this practice a priority every day is essential.

If I can be of service to help you reconnect to yourself and therefore more readily available to those you love, please contact me.

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Why your anxious teen needs you to work on YOU!

Photo Credit: Lisa Fotios Photo Credit: Lisa Fotios

Mom

Mom…

Ma

Ma

Ma!

Mom?

Mom??

MOM!!!!!

Momma

That’s the abbreviated version of what I find on my phone when my 14-year-old daughter is away from me and becomes filled with anxiety. I may only have walked away from my phone for a few minutes but come back to 30-40 messages from her looking for me. It doesn’t happen everyday, but when it does happen and I’m not immediately available, my daughter’s anxiety can turn into panic.

If she gets to Momma I know she’s in a panic mode.

Teen anxiety is on the rise. We think they should be chill and enjoy this time in their lives but the truth is they live in a world ripe with academic stress, demanding extra-curricular activities, college pressure that begins in middle school, puberty, friend drama, budding sexuality… let’s face it, our kids are bearing the weight of a culture we’ve helped create.

Many are experiencing a level of stress that we didn’t encounter until much later in life.

If I get Mia’s texts within the first few times that she reaches out, our general back and forth consists of what ache or pain she’s having in the moment (stomachache, headache, throat pain, dizziness…she’ll say her wrist hurts, even when she hasn’t had tennis practice in a week and there is no obvious reason she would be feeling pain in that area). I will then ask how long it’s been happening/on a scale of 1-10 how much pain is she in/does she think going to the nurse’s office to meditate might help? After a few back and forth texts she moves on with her day and I don’t hear from her again. Once and awhile she does leave class to go to the nurse but then returns to class when ready.

In part, I think her reaching out to me is a way for her to feel heard and validated.

If I don’t catch it in the first few times she texts me…well, let’s just say I’ve picked her up from school more than once this year.

I try to be there for her, but I can’t always be there for her…and ultimately she needs to learn how to best support herself when she is feeling anxious. It’s in our greatest challenges that we practice the coping skills we’ve learned and when we build resiliency for life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Mia’s anxiety began (at least from my observation) in third grade. Sometimes she goes months without any episodes, other times it’s a daily struggle for her. I’ve tried to pinpoint an event, a circumstance, any kind of reason for this…I used to drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. Though I have some suspicions, I don’t have a concrete answer…when asked why she’s anxious Mia often says, “I don’t know why I feel this way.” And I believe she’s telling the truth; often she truly doesn’t know why she’s anxious.

Realizing it was a waste of my mental energy to focus on the why, because whether I had a reason or not it was likely still going to happen, I released the need to know and decided helping her find ways to cope with it was the best way I could support Mia.

So, I have investigated everything from meditation to yoga, CBD oil and energy healing to hypnosis, I’ve continued to educate myself on the symptoms and history of anxiety and depression in our families of origin, I have listened to and read the reports of leading experts who study this subject in teens. I discuss what I learn along the way with Mia and give her the ability to try things so she can see what helps her. Everyone is different; what works for me when I am anxious won’t necessarily be the best (or right) answer for her.

And some anxiety in life is (a) healthy and (b) unavoidable.

Over time Mia has gotten to a place where she meditates (using the Calm app on her phone) before school every morning. I don’t remind her, it’s built into the morning routine she’s created for herself. And, when she goes to bed at night, she spends time writing in her journal.

Mia takes her journal to her biweekly counseling sessions. I am grateful there is another adult in her life she trusts with her innermost thoughts.

These are the coping skills that are helping my daughter deal with what can sometimes be debilitating anxiety.

But there’s one more thing I believe Mia has going for her when it comes to dealing with this challenge…

The one thing I believe helps my daughter most with her ongoing anxiety is having a grounded mother.

What do I mean by that??

I mean that we are our children’s emotional compasses.

Mia has a mom who is doing her own work so that she is emotionally available and attuned to the moods and needs of her kids. I am not afraid to use my voice when my intuition tells me something doesn’t feel right. And I can tap into my intuition because I’m in tune with it. We all have inner wisdom, especially when it comes to raising our children, it’s a matter of learning how to get quiet and pay attention.

I have learned to trust myself and I model this for Mia.

It took me years to trust my gut and to find my own voice; I don’t want Mia to have to go through the same thing. She is given permission to advocate for herself in all areas of her life, including (and especially) where she needs emotional support.

I take the time to listen to the nuances of Mia’s (and the rest of my kids’) challenges and then educate myself to help them navigate the circumstances they are in. I share what I’ve discovered and offer the opportunity to try different methods in order to help whatever the situation they face.

It also helps that I keep my self-care a top priority…physically (daily exercise and rest), spiritually (I practice meditation), and of course emotionally (making sure what goes in…from social media to books to movies to friendships)…feeds my soul.

This is what it means to guide your unique children through their upbringing.

My personal growth work started in earnest more than a decade ago when I learned my oldest son was suffering from an addiction to alcohol. I have learned and experienced that our children show us through their words and behavior where we need to grow.

If you’ve got a kiddo who is experiencing anxiety, or any other behavior or mental health challenge, it is beneficial to look within yourself to explore where you might be contributing to the issue they are having.

This isn’t about placing blame on the parent, yet because most of us were raised with the dominant parenting approach we often have a very difficult time looking within ourselves to make the connections needed to get our children the help they need.

This is about continuing to acknowledge and processing our own natural human emotions, stress releasing skills, and self-care in order to be available to those we love the most.

There was a time when Mia’s counselor suggested medication. I flat out refused to consider it until any and all other options were exhausted.

At this time I believe Mia feels she’s in a routine that, 99% of the time, works for her to manage the anxiety in her life.

I know she’ll let me know if that changes because she understands we’re in this together!

Your emotional health plays a critical role in how your children regulate their emotions and tackle life’s inevitable ups and downs. If you are struggling in your home and family life, please reach out to myself of another helping professional to begin the journey to a healthier, happier, more functional life.

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Why 2019 is the year to invest in family life!

Photo credit: Suzy Hazelwood
Photo credit: Suzy Hazelwood

Every year it’s the same thing…resolve to lose weight, promise to slow down and “balance” your work and home life, stop overspending, quit drinking…same statements, new year.

Mom, what if you did something really meaningful in 2019 and actually made yourself a priority by taking time once a week to strengthen the relationship to yourself? Do you know how you would benefit (aside from some sanity)? In the process of taking care of you Mom, you would create healthier, happier relationships with your family.

I kid you not!

I’m not talking about a gym membership or starting Camp Gladiator, slugging some super amazing pink drink or buying a bunch of essential oils (all great things by the way), I am talking about taking 1-2 hours a week to develop the most important relationship in your life…the one with yourself!

You remember you, right?!

No matter what age the kids are, most moms I know are mentally, emotionally and physically overwhelmed by the daily grind of motherhood because we are born givers, but the last person we think about giving anything to is ourselves!

If you want to do something different this year than make yourself a priority and invest in a service that will help you become the best Mom you can be.

Listen to this short video…

Now, I am not going to tell you that hiring a parent guide is a one-step miracle cure. This is work for women dedicated to rebuilding the concept of putting their needs above others and becoming filled-up so they have the ability to not only meet, but exceed, the needs of their family.

How do I know it works? Because I have been doing this work myself for over a decade and I have been helping other moms practice the kind of self-care that benefits their families now and will reap benefits they don’t even understand when (if) their kids have children and they can both model and support their kids in raising their grandchildren.

I’d love the opportunity to talk with you more about my programs, don’t let another year go by where everyone else’s needs and wants come before yours Mom. Text me at 972-689-0250 to set up a free consultation this week.

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What does it mean to be the best parent for your kids?

Photo Credit: Suzy Hazelwood
Photo Credit: Suzy Hazelwood

I have been talking about conscious parenting both publicly and within my family conversations for the past several years. I believe I have always practiced being a conscious parent, but I first understood the term itself and felt it aligned with the way I was parenting our five kids after reading The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary in 2014.

I have been curious about what my parenting has meant to the adult children in my life, so while the oldest three boys were home for Thanksgiving weekend I decided I wanted to ask each of them some questions about their perception and experience around the way they were parented. There is value in understanding my adult children’s point of view of my parenting practice as I continue through the teen years with Mia (13) and Maddux (15). I know I will continue to talk with them and other young adults as I begin writing a book on the practice of parenting with intention.

The videos of each interview range from 5-10 minutes in length. Truth be told, I could have talked with Nick, Allen-Michael, and Brigham much longer because I had more questions, but they’d all been so kind as to immediately agree to be videotaped with me that I didn’t want to push it.

Under each video are additional comments and reflection about the content.

A little background about my relationship with Nick (for those who may not be aware)…he came into my life just shy of my 19th birthday, shortly after I finished my freshman year in college. I had a very upper-middle-class upbringing and getting pregnant forced me to grow up really quickly. When I made the decision to raise Nick, I was asked to leave my family home. I lived on welfare until I could afford to make ends meet with full-time secretarial work, my mom taking care of Nick so I could do that, and support from Nick’s dad.

His dad and I stayed together for the first few years of Nick’s life, but our relationship was very unhealthy and it eventually ended. This forced Nick to go between two very different households for the remainder of his childhood. While I believe Nick’s dad loved him very much, he was fighting a personal battle that often led to abuse of our son. Nick hid this well, and though I cannot go back and change anything about his experience, I value Nick’s honesty in telling me that I could have tried harder to get him to share more about his weekly visits with his dad. In hindsight I recognize it always took 2-3 days for Nick to readjust to being home with us, and to this day I don’t know the extent of what he experienced physically or mentally while in his dad’s care. His dad passed away in 2010 at the age of forty-two and Nick has done a lot of self-work to move forward past his childhood experience and use of alcohol to self-medicate. Though I didn’t know how difficult his teen years were, I do know I often bragged to my friends about how close I felt our relationship was. We have always been close. In many ways we grew up together. Today Nick is sober, married, and happy in the life he and his wife have built together. Nick and I have a very open, easy-going relationship that I treasure.

Allen-Michael and I have enjoyed many deep conversations in his adulthood. At twenty-five his faith (which has actively developed over the past decade) has led him to travel both the country and the world sharing his love of God and Catholicism with hundreds of young people. He is now in his first year of seminary. It’s interesting because at a time when his faith-life was growing in one direction (in the tradition we…admittedly inconsistently…imparted on him during his childhood), mine has taken a complete shift into a deeper belief and development in a spiritual relationship with God that has nothing to do with religion or church practices. The beautiful thing about this is that we both choose to focus on what we agree on (God exists/there is something larger than ourselves going on/we are an extension of God called upon to serve others) rather than the beliefs we don’t share. While (to be brutally honest) I may not have chosen this path for him, it is not about me. The calling he is following is a good example of releasing our need to have control over our children and their outcomes. The kids who came through me will live out their greatest purpose to the best of their ability and my primary role is to appreciate and support them in that endeavor. I know that if Allen-Michael continues through seminary he will one day make a faithful father to many people. It’s a gift to watch him continue to unfold into a gentle yet strong young man.

Brigham (20, a junior in college) has blessed me and our family so often with his free-spirit…he was the most hesitant to answer my questions without knowing what they were first. Brigham has always wanted to know as much as possible before things happen. This phase of parenting, during the college years, can be be most challenging (based on my perspective having parented for three decades through all phases). It’s really a time when what you’ve worked to model and instill comes through in your child’s actions. Brigham works diligently at everything he does, but at the same time, he’s also very go-with-the flow. There are a lot of moments when anxiety about a choice he might make could hamper our relationship if I chose to defer to fear (breeding disconnection between he and I) instead of holding space for any choice he makes because I understand I am not in control of, responsible for, nor do I want to get in the way of his learning for himself the lessons life is willing to teach him.

It is in our greatest challenges that we grow as human beings.

I believe, and have been outspoken about in many ways over the past few years, raising children is our greatest calling and it needs to evolve from one where the emphasis is on teaching and controlling kids to a place where our role is to guide them by learning who it is they are as we parent WITH them. Putting structure and boundaries in place while giving them lots of choices to discover who they are. I believe a mutually respectful friendship is the end goal when they are independent adults. When and if my kids decide to have children of their own, I’d like them to want me to be a part of their kids lives, not out of obligation but because they love and respect the person I have been throughout their lives.

Parenting is about growing you while raising them (hmmm…sounds like the title of a book…), for me this includes choosing to start and stay involved in conversations that may be difficult in order to develop better connections with my kids, it means making my own physical/emotional/spiritual life a priority so I can be emotionally present for others, and it means speaking out and getting involved in the world wherever I can to bring awareness to the importance of parenting with intention.

If I can be of service to you in navigating the parent/child relationship(s) in your life, please email me through this site or text me at 972-689-0250.

Contact Information

(972) 689-0250
realifeparentguide@gmail.com