May 10, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

What made this kid so damn disrespectful?

“F#*% YOU!” She bellowed from the other side of the rack in the Juniors section at Target. Brief pause before, “Goddamn it Mom, you ALWAYS ruin things for me, I can’t stand you!”

I looked at Mia with wide eyes and mouthed, “Did we just hear what I think we just heard?!”

In my mind I was thinking, what in gods name could this kid be so angry about that she’s compelled to drop the f-bomb and yell at her mom (loudly, in public, I might add) with such intensity?

Yet I know this kind conversation goes on between moms and their kids all the time. Many a mother has shared with me their experience of feeling angry, resentful, and sometimes overwhelmed by her child’s disrespectful words and actions.

And I wonder…what allows kids today to go where we never would have dared? To actually say such horrible things to their mothers that likely only lived in our deepest, darkest thoughts.

We’ve obviously contributed to this in some way…

Much as we might like them to, our kids don’t look at authority the same way we did. There is an increasing lack of respect for life in general due, in part, because kids have access to much more information than we did, which has had an influence on how they are responding to life.

Moms tend to experience disrespectful behavior more often from their kids than dads do because moms are [generally] the more nurturing parent, the softer place to fall. Moms usually forgive easier than dads do, they consistently share a wider range of emotions, their voices aren’t as harsh nor their looks as menacing.

When I was growing up, my Mom would often have to ask me repeatedly (kindly at first, then with increasing volume and attitude) to do basic stuff like load the dishwasher or make my bed. On the other hand, if my Dad even looked at me the wrong way and I’d be in tears. My response was based on the fact that on some level I knew my Mom (exasperated or not) would love and accept me no matter what…my Dad, well, he had a more conditional vibe. I felt I had to perform to his satisfaction in order to gain his love and approval. My Dad was someone to be cautious around.

I think kids just “know” what they can get away with and what they can’t with their parents.

Which begs the question: Why do moms allow themselves to be disrespected by their kids?

It’s simple.

Parents who place an emphasis on getting specific behavior from their kids will be on the receiving end of their child’s disrespect more often than those who emphasize connection in their relationship.

If you are driven by your child’s behavior being the compass for your success as a parent your child will sense it and will push you away because what they really crave (yes, even during their teenage years) is a connection with you that doesn’t rest completely on who you need them to be.

Ask yourself: What is more important to me…the way my child behaves, or the connection I have with my child?

If you cultivate a relationship where your child’s behavior is the priority and is a direct reflection of your ability to parent, when your kid acts up or talks back to you in a way that hurts your feelings, then you will be fueling a connection that will incite arguments, power struggles, and confrontation. Especially during adolescence when our kids naturally begin to pull away from us.

What worked when your child was young no longer holds water during their emerging independence.

And…

because the way our parents raised us isn’t working with this generation.

Have you noticed?

Everything else in the world is changing and evolving, why should parenting be any different?

Mom, when your kid drops the f-bomb or slams the door, when she take three hours to do one simple household task you go crazy because you feel unheard and disrespected, right?

And kids aren’t allowed to do that to their parents, right?

I promise you, when you shift from defining the relationship with your son or daughter from their behavior being acceptable to you to building a connection with them you will have less struggle.

Write out a to-do list, tell them they’ve got the weekend to get it done, if it’s not done set the consequence ahead of time so they know what will come, then close your mouth.

You want your teenager to be invested in your relationship, so you can continue to impart some wisdom on them as they make bigger life decisions. If your child feels controlled by you, or that they have to perform to your expectation to receive your love and acceptance that’s where the rebellion comes in.

All behavior (yours, mine, our kids) is an attempt to satisfy one of six basic human needs: **acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and connection.** We are built and wired to connect with one another.

Every time you engage with your son/daughter from a place where their behavior is more important than the connection in your relationship, you create disconnection.

The next time you begin to feel the tension rise with your son or daughter take a moment to figure out what’s going on below the surface for you. On the surface you may feel frustrated, angry, even disappointed…but there’s always something else going on below the surface (often motivated by your fear or anxiety) that threatens the connection you have with your child.

The older your child gets the less control you have and the more you will be needed to support and encourage them in whatever decisions they are making for themselves. You shift from being their teacher into being their guide who will allow them to have as many choices as possible (even if they might fail) so they can learn what works for them and what doesn’t.

You got this Mom!

April 26, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Do you know a child who is about to be a train wreck?

I’m lucky, my kids are really open about talking about their friends with me. Though I admit, at times, this can be a mixed blessing. Because I care a lot about kids, and I care a lot about parents, and when the two groups in the family aren’t able to communicate well, or the parent may not see what’s going on for their child, it can be hard to know whether or not to step in and try to help by at least sharing the information. Especially if you don’t know the other parent.

Who else has struggled with this? The knowing about events or circumstances your child’s friend is going through and you’ve wondered/hesitated/hoped/prayed things would be okay because you just didn’t know if you should get involved or how the other parent might digest the information you want to share.

This has been my struggle for the past few weeks.

I know what I would do if there were clear evidence of regular alcohol or drug use in someone’s child and they didn’t know about it (and I didn’t know the parent), I would risk the situation and make contact with the parent in the name of the child’s well-being. Having been the mother of a son who has struggled with addiction, who started drinking casually at fifteen, I honestly don’t think I could just look away.

Not that every kid who has a drink as a teenager is going to become an alcoholic, that’s an overstatement. But, if my child has come to me with several accounts of a teen who has repeatedly been binge drinking or using pot (or worse) I believe stepping up is the best thing to do. It takes a village, right? Don’t we all agree on that? (No need to answer the question.)

The situation I’m talking about is a little more “gray”…my child’s friend has parents going through a split and there have been a few red flags on my radar over the past few months that, while at the moment this child (to my knowledge) has not gotten involved in using drugs or alcohol, does have the potential to be set up to fall in that direction if things don’t change. Or, potentially to be put in another situation where the love and attention she is seeking will be misguided and used to her disadvantage.

I have empathy for the parents who are likely going through emotional upheaval, stress, potentially financial issues, and who knows what else. I am sure they are doing the best they can with what they know as they parent their kids through these circumstances. And of course it’s possible they do know 100% of what’s going on with their child and haven’t found the time or energy or direction to change the course.

There are increasing signs of this child’s behavior being a call for help, and I can’t but wonder if the parents knew some of these things if it might have an impact that could redirect her before potential danger finds her.

The risks involved in my reaching out to this parent include their being angry at the child for sharing family information and then the consequences for her due to that sharing. Of course there is the chance they could turn on me for just trying to help. The larger ripple might include my child losing a friend in the process for opening their mouth to me about the friend’s troubles.

If you’ve been in this situation I know you understand the “damned if I do; damned if I don’t” conversation going on inside of my head. And we all know not deciding is a decision in and of itself.

So, in this moment, as in many others I have come across in three decades of parenting, it calls me to tap into my intuition.

I have to ask myself…What is my intention in making contact with this parent? Am I coming from a space of fear, or of awareness? (In other words, how credible is the information I have?) What do I hope to accomplish in going to the parent? How will I feel if the parent shuns me or if nothing comes of the information I have shared? Do I talk with my child before I reach out to the parent?

If you are in this situation now, or in the future, these are some of the questions you can ask yourself before you just quickly react to the situation you are contemplating stepping into.

Have you been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do and what happened as a result of your action? I’m curious to discuss this topic further because I believe a lot of us have been in the shoes I’m wearing.

Comment below or shoot me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

March 20, 2018 by Kim Muench 2 Comments

Why I want my daughter to know I was a victim of sexual assault

It was on my radar to be aware that when my daughter headed into her teen years it would trigger me in ways my four sons never did. However, I didn’t know (until now) exactly what it would be that would set me off.

Having been a teenage girl, I naturally easily identify with what she’s going through socially, emotionally, and academically. This has, so far, been the case and hasn’t been a challenge. In fact, we have really open communication and discuss lots of light and difficult things, even topics I didn’t think I’d ever be comfortable speaking to my kids about. But, what I didn’t anticipate was how an experience I had at her age would cause me to become anxious about the potential of it happening to her…so much so my anxiety began to interfere with how she and I were interacting.

You see, in 8th grade I was sexually assaulted by a group of male classmates late one evening while I was babysitting. This experience began to cloud my thoughts each time my daughter would ask to go and play tennis two blocks down the street from our house. My mind would wander to the thought it was likely she would run into some of her male middle school teammates while hitting the ball with her girlfriends.

I found myself fearing what could happen to her while walking to or from the park, or while at the park, and then I worried about what kind of effect it might have on her. I remember all too well how the encounter I had experienced with those boys I had so blindly trusted had affected me.

I tried for a while to dismiss my anxiety, but discovered it inevitably creeping in every time she’d ask to go play. My instinct was to say, “I’ll drop you off and pick you up…” or “Not tonight, it’s already dark,” but then I’d silently reprimand myself because I knew this kind of response would only be allowing a traumatic event from my past to be projected onto her.

My daughter is not me.

That being said, I began to wonder, was there some value in the sharing of my sexual assault experience with her?

Parents have asked me how much they should share about their teen years with their kids (usually around the topics of alcohol/drug use, dating, grades). I believe the answer to this depends on why you want to tell them, and how you actually go about sharing the information. Being open with your kids about your own life can be beneficial to theirs if your intention is positive and when you decide to share the information it doesn’t come from your fear.

So that meant for me to share the story with my daughter I had to be in a place where fear wasn’t the motivating factor for my sharing. I had some personal work to do.

I asked myself what could be gained by my telling her? How much detail did I want to share? How did I think she’d receive the information? What was the intended outcome? Would this be a situation that could help us connect or would it be something that (out of fear) might cause her to pull away for some reason?

After thinking about the pros and cons of sharing my experience with her, I recently decided it was worth the conversation. But I wanted to be clear with my intentions before it came out of my mouth. The last thing I wanted was to scare her; my deepest desire was to inspire her about the importance of tuning into her own instincts and trusting her gut. Because that is what I wish I’d have done when I was thirteen and faced with a group of boys who thought it would be fun to assault me.

I purposely chose the time (in the car while we were running errands), we had plenty of space for her to digest what I was saying and to ask questions. At the end of our conversation I knew she’d understood my objective because she told me she was sorry to hear that it happened to me, but glad she knew because it was a good example of how to know when to “listen to your inner voice.” (Hah!)

Have you been thinking about sharing something from your teen years with your son or daughter? If you have an example from your own parenting journey I’d love to hear about it. Share in the comment section below or send me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

March 8, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Should you have parenting regrets? No!

I RECENTLY HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF SPEAKING TO A GROUP OF HIGH SCHOOL BOYS. The topic was drug and alcohol use. When I thought about how I would talk with them I decided I didn’t want to just be the mom/parent coach who walked into the room with the usual presentation they may or may not actually hear, I wanted to make an impact.

I began my speech by saying I knew throwing a bunch of statistics at them wasn’t going to impress them because I believe statistics can be manipulated to fit whatever point you’re trying to make (I got several nods in response to this statement). Then I told them I didn’t want to come in with a lecture about drinking because they all have parents who, I’m sure, spend time instructing them on the evils of doing drugs and underage drinking (of course, more nods). And, lastly, I wasn’t going to give a voice to “just say no.”

I shared with them in the only way I thought I might get heard, and that was to boldly tell the story of my experience as the mother of a teenager who began drinking alcohol (coincidentally, at the same age they are right now) as a recreational pass time, but who then fell into addiction by the time he was twenty years old.

That captured their attention.

Many of you know my story, if not you can learn more about it here, but the experience of having a child fall into an addiction to alcohol has deeply changed me. His birth, when I was eighteen, was the other life event that has really shaped who I am today.

I was open and brutally honest with the boys the entire time I spoke . I shared with them my initial denial about my son’s drinking and about how that certainly didn’t help the situation. But, again being transparent, even if I’d been more eyes-open I don’t know if I would have been able to stop the tumble down my son was on.

That’s not an excuse; it’s reality.

He and I had a very close relationship while he was growing up, he would tell you the same thing. But that didn’t stop his addiction from happening.

After I finished sharing my story, I asked the boys to write down on an index card one thing they took away from what I’d shared and one question they had about my experience or about addiction in general. Though I should not have been surprised, I was amazed at the thought-provoking statements and questions they came back with!

Someone in the group wrote, “What is your biggest regret out of everything you told us.”

Of course this made me think.

“Hmmmmm,” I said. “I honestly can’t think of any regret I have about what transpired.”

Do I wish he hadn’t gotten a taste of alcohol so young and become addicted to the way it helped him cope with the stress and challenges in his life during high school? Yes. But I understand why it happened.

Do I wish I’d have listened to my gut when the evidence (smells from his room that were not what I wrote off at the time as “teen boy smells”, missing alcohol from the cabinet, odd sleep patterns) was right in front of my eyes? Yes. Denial can be a powerful parenting obstacle.

Do I wish he would have felt able to come to me sooner and ask for help? Definitely! But, when he was ready, he did come to me and although the experience got much darker before the light, I supported and encouraged him (as I still do today) into what is a healthier version of the teen who inadvertently got addicted to a substance that became his main coping skill.

Regrets in parenting are a waste of time. If you have experienced a personal challenge with your child it’s worth sharing with others so they can learn from your experience; but life is much too short to regret our natural oversights as human beings.

We are parents, not perfect.

We do the best we can with what we know every moment as we raise our children. When we know better, we do better!

If you live with regrets about the way you were parented, or the way you are parenting, STOP. Seek a new approach to developing your most important relationships, don’t waste another moment on “what could have been” or “why didn’t I do this or why didn’t I see this coming?”

My passion and mission in life is to help other parents by speaking, writing, leading workshops, and coaching one-on-one. I don’t do this because I feel as if I’m the perfect parent; I do this because I desperately want to see families become happier, healthier, and more functional. OUR TEENAGERS NEED US.

Would you like to learn more about how I can help you? Go here.

Ask yourself: What is more important to me…the way my child behaves, or the connection I have with my child?

All behavior (yours, mine, our kids) is an attempt to satisfy one of six basic human needs: acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and connection. We are built and wired to connect with one another.

We do the best we can with what we know every moment as we raise our children. When we know better, we do better!

Contact Information

All behavior (yours, mine, our kids) is an attempt to satisfy one of six basic human needs: **acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and connection.** We are built and wired to connect with one another.