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November 10, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How we contributed to the collapse of parenting

 Photo credit: Nick Demou
Photo credit: Nick Demou

Leonard Sax, MD, PhD is the author of an eye-opening book called The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown Ups. He clearly breaks down the pitfalls our generation of parents have fallen into and then gives several actionable, on-point solutions for parents to take away.

Take a few minutes to watch a video I recorded that captures the essence of this book:

There are three areas where shifts from the past two decades have created a major impact on the way we are parenting today:

First, we are now living in a culture of disrespect. There are a few reasons for this…in part because of the shift in our education system from an emphasis on play and socialization skills (things as simple as taking turns, putting things away, and sharing, to more complex concepts like living a balanced life through self-control, and sometimes you will fail so you can learn resilience) to a focus on academic achievement (other countries were gaining academically on our kids, kids in the U.S. were beginning to appear less smart!). This, in turn, began a shift for parents in two ways…(a) they started to receive the message from school that it is more important to be concerned with academic outcomes than social/life skills, and (b) it then fell to parents to pick up the slack and teach/role model the socialization skills. Problem is, we haven’t done it well, possibly because we didn’t have a good example ourselves and/or because we thought the school was doing it.

In addition, media has increasingly portrayed parents in a grossly different light than they did in the 1980s. In that decade, not only did we have less variety on television but parents/family life was cherished and celebrated, parents were the figures kids came to for help, advice, and sometimes consequences based on their actions.

Have you ever watched the Disney Channel? That’s just one example of how parents are either portrayed as nonexistent or made to look like fools in family life today.

Before they are teenagers, our kids now favor the advice and approval of their same-age peers over us. Yes, adolescence is a time of naturally progressing individuation and desiring to be like the group, but it is happening much earlier and to a greater extreme in our culture today. Our kid’s friends strongly outrank us when it comes being on the receiving end of admiration. And while social media has contributed to this, it cannot be blamed entirely. In countless ways we have gone missing in building the kind of relationships our kids can lean into when they face a challenge. In some respects it’s as if we have forgotten our role (or how important it is)…or maybe it’s because we don’t understand the balance between a strict disciplinarian and being our kids best friend.

The ideal while our kids are becoming independent young adults is to get to a place where we are parenting with them and not over them.

Second area of shift in Dr. Sax’s book is that we have a major obesity issue and kids are overly medicated in this country. The rise in diabetes, ADHD, anxiety, depression and a host of other ills can be attributed to three things: what kids eat, how much kids eat (and how often), and the serious level of sleep deprivation kids in the U.S are experiencing. The chapter on this topic is so eye-opening!

The third MAJOR point (though there are so many minor and just as important points throughout the book) is that our kids have shifted from being able to handle losing and failure to becoming fragile and unable to navigate the natural ups and downs life brings. In simple terms, we have done too much for our kids and in our loving efforts to fix things for them we’ve left them cripple and whining and unable to take on [some of] life’s challenges.

But there’s hope!

After pointing out the many ways in which parenting today is showing up differently and insufficiently than it did when I grew up (in the 70s-80s), Dr. Sax gives us actionable solutions. Here is a bullet list of the ones I feel are most important:

  • Eat together as a family (without electronics) as often as possible. It’s not about the quality of the meal…it’s about being together and checking in. This isn’t rocket science, free up some of your nights.

  • Love your child unconditionally…that means they don’t have to perform (get a specific grade, play a specific sport/instrument to your liking, complete a chore to perfection) for your attention or affection. Think back to your own childhood…did you ever feel like you weren’t good enough or loved by your parent because of a grade or skill? How do you feel about that today?

  • Take vacations as a family…and don’t invite the kid’s friends along. This is a time to really create some memories and connection. Think about it, if that’s your goal and if your kid is busy hanging out with their best friend during your awesome trip to the cabin in the woods, then they aren’t fully invested in the relationships that can be built during the break from the daily family grind during rest & relaxation. Vacations, yes! Friends, no.

  • Take the time to really think about what you value and want to instill in your children and then model it and be sure your family life reflects those values. Don’t allow the messages of the culture to dictate what your family will look like. Do not read this to say “be perfect and make no mistakes”…living your values is a practice, we’re parents…not perfect, right?

    One final thought wrapped in a quote from the book:

    “You must help your child to find meaning in life that is not about their latest accomplishment, or how they look, or how many friends they have, but about who your child is, their truest self.” ~Leonard Sax, MD, PhD

    In my opinion you cannot do this without first being very clear on who your are Mom and Dad.

If you’ve read the book I would love to have you add your comment or write to me at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

Filed Under: book review, Parenting Today Tagged With: advice for today's parents, Dr. Leonard Sax, parenting book review, The Collapse of Parenting

September 7, 2018 by KMMNCHRL3284723 1 Comment

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start writing!

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September 4, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to draw the line with your teenager

“How the hell am I supposed to believe a word that comes out of his mouth?!”  Her frustration was clear…she was beyond angry with her teenage son because his lying was out of control. She was looking to me to help her understand (a) why he was lying all the time and (b) what she was supposed to do to correct the problem.  This was not only hurting their relationship, but his lies were beginning to wreak havoc on her marriage because she and her husband did not see eye to eye on what to do about the issue.

The first step was to have Mom ask herself why her son might be lying. I told her in order to do that, she’d have to set aside feeling betrayed for a moment and honestly get curious about what she thought he had to gain by lying to her about everything from where he was going to why the money in his bank account was disappearing.

One obvious reason…he may be lying to escape the consequences of his actions, right?  Another possible reason for his lies could be, in his eyes, her son doesn’t feel there is any room in the relationship for him to make mistakes. Maybe his lies started out small and harmless enough, but have now [over time] developed into a situation that he knows causes constant anger, lectures, distrust…maybe he feels there is no going back, or it would be too hard to turn things around at this point.

Either way, I understood Mom’s frustration but needed her to take a step back emotionally to look at the situation from her son’s perspective.  

I run into a lot of parents who believe their teens are doing things to them when in actuality, their kids have made an unwise choice that has consequences they didn’t see coming, and rather than being honest and admitting the mistake (and possibly listening to some intense scrutiny and dealing with the consequences) just continue down the path because they don’t see a way out.

Believe it or not, telling the truth all of a sudden (when asked over and over again) doesn’t seem like a viable option.

If you want your son or daughter to be truthful you’ve got to be open to the fact that they’re going to make some mistakes during this often confusing time in their lives.  And when they do, you’re responsible for creating an atmosphere that allows them to feel like they can come clean and not be shamed.  

When you look back at your own teen years and you messed up, what happened?  Were your mistakes and bad choices met with anger and criticism?  Were you made to feel like garbage…or, did your parent(s) talk with you about the consequences of the choice you made and help you look at where you (if you were able to go back) could do things differently?

You know… so you could actually learn from the choices you’d made.

Because if your parents made you feel like crap for your behavior or choices during your teen years, my guess is you don’t know how to respond to your son or daughter any differently.  You might even feel justified in responding the same way your parents did. 

Ouch, that hurt.

But, ask yourself, if you were doing what your kid is doing at this moment what would be helpful to you?

I’m not saying there shouldn’t ever be consequences for kid’s actions, I’m just saying don’t take everything your teen does as a personal assault against you and your ability to parent.  

This is a time when they are trying things on…everything from personality traits to hairstyles.  

Another area you’ve gotta get clear on as a parent (and as a couple, if it applies) is what your expectations are.  And, just like when they were toddlers, you have to consistently (in word and action) talk about and model these things with your kids.  

For example…lying.  In this family, we don’t lie.  There is nothing you could do or say that would cause you to lose my love, therefore, lying is not an option.  We don’t lie to you (make sure you are telling 100% truth here because kids will wave the bullshit flag with their words and/or behavior if you aren’t on the up and up) and we expect the same from you.  There is nothing you could ever tell me that would be worse for our relationship than my finding out you lied to me.  We can work through anything as long as you tell the truth.

Mom and Dad…you’ve got to live this out and be the example of truth and unconditional love. And if you mess up, own it.  Your teen has to believe you are truly on their side and have a deep desire to set them up for success in life.

No anger, just clarity, and living by example.

Your teenager needs you in their life…be there to guide them, not rule over them and take everything they say and do during this decade so personally like it’s a direct reflection on you.

If you need help contact me.

Filed Under: Parenting Blog, Parenting Teens, Parenting Today Tagged With: boundaries, boundaries with teens, drawing the line, parenting advice, parenting teenagers, teenager

May 21, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to be a fantastic parent to your teenager…

Dear Disappointed/Overwhelmed/ Angry/Frustrated Parent of a Teenager,

Would you like to know the secret(s) to enjoying your kids through their adolescence?  Would you like to get along with your son or daughter while they go from puberty to independence?  

Awesome!  

Because they sure need you right now. 

I am going to give you the answer to this because I have been living it out for the past decade and I see and work with so many parents who are stressed out, anxious, and at their wits end…I want to share with you how I truly enjoy guiding kids through adolescence in the hopes it will inspire you to work toward the same end.

First and foremost, there are a few things you will need to do differently.  By that I mean you’ll need to do them in a different way than your parents did while raising you.  Because you see, the way our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents parented does not work well with kids today.  

To evolve your parenting into what will give you the healthiest, happiest outcome, you will need to release some baggage that isn’t serving you or your child and, at this point (whether you want to believe it or not) is the main reason you are white knuckling it through this decade+ of your child’s development.

Looking back at your childhood is a KEY step to shifting any challenges you face with your teenager right now.

In addition to recognizing the need to parent differently during the teen years, here are a few of the other things I do to really enjoy my kids (who, at this point, are middle school/high school/college/young adult career/and 30-something married):

  • STOP LISTENING to the messages our culture tells parents, directly and subliminally, about what our kids “should” and “shouldn’t” be doing/accomplishing/checking off in order for them to become “successful” adults.  Most of it is b.s.  We [parents] get as many messages and pressure tactics from the media, school, neighbors (the ones we’re trying to keep up with),  and well-intentioned family members as our kids do!  The anxiety this stirs up inside of parents that their kid isn’t “measuring up” is hurting family life because the parent/child relationship is being built upon our kids having to perform for love and acceptance.  Sure, we say we love them unconditionally, but they know (because they can feel it inside of themselves) that if they don’t come through in whatever way we’ve decided is so important they won’t be good enough.  This is where the feeling of unworthiness is born.  Our kids are working at living out our agenda for them, trying to meet our expectations, instead of doing what they came into the world to work through…to evolve into the very best version of themselves. Which, quite frankly, may look nothing like you think it should look.
  • START LISTENING to your child, it’s amazing how much brutal honesty comes from their mouths and their behavior.  This isn’t about whipping them into shape…my God, if your child is misbehaving in your eyes (anger issues, anxiety, stressed out, drinking/drugging, screwing around at age 13/14/15) this is a CALL FOR HELP, not a slap in your face.  Don’t waste time trying to track their every text and movement…start thinking about, and talking with them about, what’s going on for them and what is behind their choice to self-medicate or find love and affection in ways that will limit their potential.  You’ve got to do this in a way that let’s them know you are on their side and not coming from trying to control or power over them.  And please, if you are struggling to gain ground, seek professional help!  
  • DISAPPOINTMENT DOES NOT BELONG ANYWHERE IN PARENTING.  I’ve thought about this for a long time and I truly believe being disappointed in your son or daughter for any reason, whether you say it directly to them or they can just feel it coming through your energy, is one of the worst things a parent can do because it shames the child and pulls them away from their highest intentions.  There is NOTHING the kids I birthed could ever say or do that would cause me to feel disappointed.  They are NOT here to please me. I called them into the world and their only “job” is to experience life while reflecting back to me the opportunity to evolve myself in that process.
  • BE VULNERABLE.  Let your kids know when you’ve messed up, they need to know you’re human.  Go ahead and share that the topic you want to discuss with them makes you feel uncomfortable.  The more honest you can be with them the more honest they will feel they can be with you.
  • LAUGH A LITTLE!  A sense of humor will go far with teens.  Instead of lecturing them to death (and it falling on deaf ears) be willing to make a point in a playful way:

  • YOU, YOU, YOU…sometimes it’s all about you.  I can’t stress this enough.  When I started to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually my relationship with my kids grew stronger.  CHOOSE to do this without any guilt.  I know it’s cliche, but think about the cabin pressure mask on a plane story…you literally cannot give others what you don’t have.  For me this practice includes running several times a week, daily meditation, feeding my mind with positive books/t.v. programming/podcasts.  One of my current favorite podcasts is called What Were You Thinking?! It’s a FANTASTIC look at adolescents and why they make the choices they do.
  • NOT YOU, NOT YOU, NOT YOU…distance yourself from taking what your teen says too seriously.  Parents often take their kids angry words too much to heart.  If you are going to have a mutually respectful relationship it’s gotta start with you.  Building (or keeping) a connected relationship with your teenager is more important than their behavior being exactly what you need it to be.

And finally, my last bit of sharing because this is truly what I do with our kids:  Detach from the outcome.  Work on building a connection with them so they feel like they can come to you and you would never judge them.  There are some very diverse beliefs about politics, religion, and lifestyle choices among our group of seven…I embrace every single one of them.

If I can help or support you on your parenting journey in any way, please reach out.

 

Kim Muench

Founder, Real Life Parent Guide

972-689-0250

Filed Under: Parenting Blog, Parenting Teens Tagged With: how to parent, parent, teenager

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Kim Muench



(972) 689-0250
realifeparentguide@gmail.com

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