Family Archives - Real Life Parent Guide

April 17, 2020 by Kim Leave a Comment

Who will you be after the quarantine?

AT THIS POINT WE KNOW we’re living through history, through an unprecedented global shift, through something our kid’s kids will tell their kids about and maybe even refer to as the Eternal Spring Break.

If you are like me, you’re still doing “all the things” (making meals, doing laundry, working two jobs, trying to keep tabs on your kids school work and bring them together for some quality family time), but as I’m doing the things I wonder how I can create a different life post quarantine, to make actual changes and shift my priorities so I can slow down the pace of my life and become more intentional with my time because I now fully realize how much I’ve been neglecting myself and our family in the pursuit of all the things.

The past month has been an uninterrupted opportunity to spend time with my husband and kids (15,17,22,26) by taking long walks, sitting down to dinner together, having movie and game nights, and dancing around the house in an effort to entertain ourselves and to remember what matters when you can’t go anywhere. For the most part it’s been great for us, despite looming financial fear of how we’ll land on our feet after this quarantine shakes out. Yet as good as it’s been for us, I know there are some families for whom the past weeks have served to highlight the brokenness that was barely noticeable in the previous hustle of everyday life.

One of the most important messages I’ve heard and tried to share during COVID is the importance of taking good care of yourself so you can be the calm, present and emotionally stable adult in your child’s life while their world has been turned upside down. Not always easy. I really hope that you have found a way to give yourself some grace by sleeping in, reading that book you never had time for or watching that Netflix series you never thought you’d get around to. Our kids really do need us to be well rested and patient so we’re willing and able to give them the extra time and attention they need right now…remember, we’re all new to this and no one is doing it perfectly.

One of the thoughts continuing to nag my gut is the fear that nothing of real consequence for families will actually change when the world starts up again…I worry that while we might keep up the extra connection for a few weeks, we’ll slowly go back to prioritizing the events, material goods/services, and meaningless accolades that have been adding clutter to our lives, stress to our days, and mindless chatter to our brains.

If you too are experiencing this pit in your stomach, I know what it is…it’s our souls screaming, “Pay Attention!” Never have we been given such an obvious and drastic opportunity to gain some much needed perspective about life!

This.is.a.wake.up.call!

You see, life is not about “all the things”. It’s about who we choose to be everyday and how we show up for ourselves and the most important people in our lives…our families, friends and communities.

It’s going to be difficult to resist the messages to “get back to the way things were” when restrictions lift, but I believe we can take the steps to reinvent a more intentional way of living. While there may be a certain comfort in returning to the old schedules…at some point we will realize we’ve abandoned our evolution in the name of the familiar culture of chaos we were living in.

It was not working for us and it wasn’t working for our kids as evidenced by the increase in mental health issues.

While doing all the things that need doing, I continue to ask myself, “How do I want my life to look after this and how do I have to grow so I can begin living that life?”

If we take the time to do the quiet introspection I believe we’ll each find an answer as to how we can make changes post COVID for a peaceful pace prioritizing connection over achieving all the things.

I don’t think it has to be complicated…what if the shift comes down to a simple decision to say “No more! I am taking back my life and that of my family as well.”

The quarantine has stripped us of a lot of our exterior life, the relationship to ourselves and our relationship with others has become front and center. In so many beautiful ways we’ve given to others during this time. I believe you too can find the courage to sit in stillness and follow your inner wisdom to be more intentional with your time and to continue to build healthier connection to yourself and to your family.

There is a clear invitation every morning as we wake up and it feels like Groundhog’s Day once again: Take a breath, take a moment, and take a step into reinventing the way you’re living life.

July 28, 2016 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

It’s out with the old, and in with the new!

The other day I went to the Super Target to pick up my new eye glasses. I am about to turn forty-eight, and so are my eyes. They, like the rest of me, need occasional help to do their job as well as they did twenty years ago. These glasses give me clearer vision and perspective, which is helpful as I focus in a new direction.

I have spent the past five years writing about my life. It started with a book about some significant challenges I faced in becoming an adult and about being a mother to five, the oldest of whom battled addiction. The book led to this website and my continued sharing about my life. By writing about the trials and triumphs I experienced with marriage, parenting, and my own personal growth and spirituality, I have learned a great deal about who I am, and who I desire to continue to be as I navigate the rest of my life’s journey.

Along this road, I also returned to college and finished my Bachelors in Psychology, I began a career path in adolescent addiction treatment, I have written about parenting on sites such as The Huffington Post, Ten to Twenty Parenting, A Fine Parent, and Suburban Parent Magazine. I have also been writing a column for our local newspaper. And earlier this year I was instrumental in bringing a favorite parenting author to Dallas to speak about conscious parenting. All of these steps have allowed me to see where my passion and purpose lies.

This may not come as a surprise to you, but throughout these various steps I have discovered my passion is in helping parents work towards creating deeper, healthier connections with their kids.

Because everything starts at home. And if we hope to change the path of dysfunction we are on, it will be through our most intimate relationships first.

To that end, I have spent the last several months studying to become a certified parent guide.

Because I know parenting is the greatest challenge one can travel during our lifetime, and I don’t think there is nearly enough support and encouragement for the endeavor. My goal as a guide is to help parents discover (a) where the changes are necessary in their parent/child relationships, and (b) to examine and execute a willingness to look within themselves to create the change to strengthen relationships in the home

I am not going into business for myself because I believe I am a parent who is perfect, or who never makes mistakes. Quite the opposite, I am going into the business of parent coaching because I have made many mistakes along the way, and I have learned a great deal about my role as mom. Parenting consciously is a practice I take seriously, everyday. I have seen my relationships with my kids and my husband flourish because I have worked on myself and on the relationships closest to me.

This site will take on a different look in the coming weeks. It will go from a place where I exclusively write about my personal journey, to a place where moms and dads, who are looking to work on the most precious ties in their lives, will learn more about parent coaching, about me, and about the program they can work through with me to bring harmony back to their family life.

My focus will be with parents of preteens to young adults. Because I am in the thick of that age group myself, so I have a special connection to the ups and downs of parenting this population.

Real Life Mom is going to become (hint, hint….look up at the web address…)

Real Life Parent Guide!

Will I still write, yes! Because writing (for me) is like prayer. I don’t think I could ever stop writing. But it will become a “tab”, not the home page.

I hope you will remain on this journey with me, even if I am not writing as often as I used to, my focus now will be on educating parents about this field and working one-on-one with those who choose to embrace it!

One more song for the road…I think this one says a lot, not only about my journey thus far, but about each one of us having the same opportunity to live life well!

Peace…

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July 13, 2016 by Kim Muench 2 Comments

The frightening world of teen girls and social media

My summer reading list included a book suggested by a friend of mine who knows I care a lot about raising kids in today’s confusing culture. The title: American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers by Nancy Jo Sales. I knew, even before I finished the introduction, it was going to be an incredibly valuable read, so I emailed six of Mia’s closest friends’ moms and asked them if they would want to pick up the book to read and discuss before middle school starts the end of August. All six said yes!

I can summarize my reaction to this book in three short sentences:

If you want to read a book that will scare the shit out of you, I totally recommend it!

If you want to read a book that will give you very specific accounts about American teenage girls and their experience with social media and the affect it is having on their lives, I totally recommend this book.

If you want a book that is light-hearted and easy to read…I do NOT recommend this book.

As a mom whose only daughter is starting middle school, whose son is finishing middle school this year, one who is on his way to college, as well as two out in the “real” world, I am naturally very curious about the impact of social media on kids today. I know a lot of other parents like myself (thus the idea for a book discussion).

Before I launch into the book itself, let me share the p.s. (phone status) of our children…the three older boys have phones, of course, and no one monitors them. Maddux (13) has no interest in one, Mia (11) wants a phone (most of her friends already have one), they spend a fair amount of time on them when they are over at our house. It’s hard not to notice the impact of getting likes, posting pictures/cute, short Musical.ly videos, and their reviewing the comments is already having on them.

Nancy Jo Sales‘ book is an intense look at how social media (specifically Facebook, SnapChat, Instagram, Twitter) is affecting girls from 10 states (NY, NJ, VA, FL, CA, AZ, TX, IN, DE and KY), she divides the book up into chapters relating age 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, and 18 and she interviews dozens of girls over a two year period of time.

I literally had to put the book down for a while after reading the first chapter…Thirteen.

I mean, as an adult who recently took a big step back from social media herself, I am well aware of the impact it was having on me…but, to learn what it’s doing to our teenagers is really nauseating.

The most shocking thing I learned in the first chapter was that it’s common for girls (remember I am reading the chapter written about many thirteen-year-olds from all over the country) to receive “dic pics”.

WHAT?!

Yes, pictures of naked, erect, male genitalia. Often of their classmates…

The second most shocking thing I learned from the early part of the book is there is a rampant pattern of blackmail between teen boys and girls involving the sending of nude pictures. If you (teen girl) don’t do it when it’s requested of you your damned…and, if you DO do it (because you’re afraid of the consequences if you DON’T do it, or if you are super confident in your body and what the hell, you want the attention) you’re screwed as well.

What the f*#@ is the world coming to?????!!!!!

So, because I was having a hard time digesting the gravity of this behavior in kids my kids age, I decided to ask my older son if this is truly a valid thing…he says “yes, it’s all over social media.”

Wow.

Nancy Jo Sales book goes on for many chapters, laden with interviews with teen girls from all walks of life, and she arrives at the conclusion after much research…kids today (male and female) are striving for the sexual shock, “likes”, fame, attention why?

Because of porn. And because they are emulating celebrities.

Because of the easy access of porn to any age, both boys and girls are being heavily influenced. We have created a generation of young people (getting younger by the day), who feel as if they have to keep up with the image, lifestyle, and emotional distance of a multi-billion dollar a year industry where sexual fantasy rules and there are no consequences.

But, in real life the consequences of this second, totally unrealistic world, are very, very BIG.

That’s probably the most depressing thing I can think of. And it makes me incredibly sad and sick to think my daughter is about to become part of a world where this is a strong possibility.

And, as much as I want to box her up until she is an adult, we all know that is (a) not realistic, and (b) a bad idea anyway. So, just like with the topic of drugs and alcohol, I am going to do and be the next best thing…I will continue to take the only approach I believe will work as my last two kids head down the slippery slope of adolescence into young adulthood with social media as their guide.

I am going to continue to educate myself on what’s going on in the world of teens and social media use, I am going to work daily at continuing to create the kind of relationship with my kids where they can feel free and comfortable coming to talk with me about the things they experience on social media, at their school, and with drugs/alcohol use. We are going to role play situations they may find themselves in so they will have a clue what’s coming with some suggestions on how to handle themselves.

And I am going to continue to find ways to get parents to talk with one another more (like book discussions).

Like every other parent, my intentions will be great and I will make mistakes along the way. But I will persevere.

When the stakes are this high, remaining in the dark is not an option. And creating power struggles in our home will get us nowhere. The only sensible, attractive way to guide your teenager today is to create connection that starts with being human, being honest and vulnerable, taking time to educate them on what may come, and being emotionally and physically available to listen without judgment and with compassion as they move through this challenging (for all) phase of life.

American Girls Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers is a realistic look at the impact and influence of social media on our kids today.

So, tell me, what are the biggest challenges and fears you are feeling as a parent around social media in your home? What is your family’s approach to this not-going-away trend? I would love to hear! Comment below, or send an email to realifemom.com@gmail.com!

June 26, 2016 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

I found the courage to iFly Dallas, and so can you!

I am a chicken shit.

Totally…

Anyone who knows me even somewhat well will tell you I hate heights, speed, and I definitely despise roller coasters. (I had a near-death incident on The Demon at Six Flags in Gurnee, Illinois during my eighth grade field trip that changed my outlook about whether or not I should ever again hang upside down and spin around.)

But sometimes, in order to celebrate life, get the family to do something out of the ordinary, and to see how far you can push yourself, you will challenge yourself to things that are completely out of your comfort zone.

For me that was agreeing to be the first in line to go on our inaugural trip to a local indoor skydiving experience called, iFly Dallas.

It all started because Tom turned fifty this week, and I wanted to find something to commemorate that milestone with him. He’s a fairly adventurous guy (unlike his wife), so a few weeks ago I thought of [what, to me at the time, was a] brilliant idea…Tom and the boys should go indoor skydiving while the grandmas (Tom’s mom came to town to celebrate with us), Mia and myself would make a nice dinner, maybe put up some streamers….you know, take care of all of the very safe, fun, festive birthday party preparations.

Well, the plan I had in mind turned into “this should be a whole family adventure” and all of a sudden I learn we have purchased and booked a group package (for up to 6 people).

How convenient…

I have a couple of kids who, like me, hate taking any kind of risk. So I know, as their mom, if I want them to be willing to leave their comfort zone, I have to be willing to do it FIRST. Using the “I grow because you make me” manta that has come in handy during my 24-year marriage, I agree to going, and I even make sure I am the first in line when we head onto the flight deck.

Of course. long before we arrive at iFly I read all of the information on the website, investing in the “this is a “fun”…EASY experience”.

I think to myself, as long as it’s nothing like riding a roller coaster I’ll be fine.

And it was!

The first time out, that is.

We had paid for two, one-minute trips into the tunnel. I know, this does not sound like much of a big deal at all, and that was the way I looked at it…surely I can do anything for two one-minute increments, right?!

All six of us took our initial flight round really well. Even the two kids who wanted absolutely nothing to do with the experience.

Round two was a different story…for me anyway.

I look Justin (our flight instructor…or tormentor, depending on who is viewing him) in the eyes as I enter the chamber, hoping it conveys everything I want to actually say, but he would never be able to hear…“go easy on me Justin, I HATE heights and even more than that I HATE to spin around”…he smiles and I pray he gets what I am thinking as we begin the second minute together.

To be honest, I think Justin totally understood what I was trying to let him know, but he thought he could convince me otherwise…you know, to release my fear of heights and spinning…

I am not going to lie, as we spun up the tunnel the first time I closed my eyes and of course my go-to word came to mind…

“Shit!”

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit…

After opening my eyes briefly to see just how high we’d flown, I clamped them tightly shut just in time…I screamed (not that anyone heard me) as we plunged, SPINNING, down to the bottom of the tunnel.

Repeat.

FIVE MORE TIMES!

before he had to take hold my fly suit from behind and direct me out the door because I was so dizzy I couldn’t take a straight step.

It was over, I lived through it, but NEVER again will I go indoor (or outdoor for that matter) skydiving.

The kids and Tom bought additional minutes and will return.

Good for them I say.

This family experience is one I am sure we will talk about for a long time. I am happy I took part in it so that my kids could see (a) we can’t always predict what mom will do, and (b) mom can do things that cause her anxiety and take her out of her comfort zone, and so can I.

I found out later my husband had paid a little extra so I could have the second flight minute of my life.

Nice.

Can’t wait to see what he has in store for MY fiftieth birthday in a few years…

Real Life Parent Guide!

What the f*#@ is the world coming to?????!!!!!

So, tell me, what are the biggest challenges and fears you are feeling as a parent around social media in your home? What is your family’s approach to this not-going-away trend? I would love to hear! Comment below, or send an email to realifemom.com@gmail.com!

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