Real Life Parent Guide

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It’s out with the old, and in with the new!

The other day I went to the Super Target to pick up my new eye glasses.  I am about to turn forty-eight, and so are my eyes.  They, like the rest of me, need occasional help to do their job as well as they did twenty years ago.  These glasses give me clearer vision and perspective, which is helpful as I focus in a new direction.

I have spent the past five years writing about my life.  It started with a book about some significant challenges I faced in becoming an adult and about being a mother to five, the oldest of whom battled addiction. The book led to this website and my continued sharing about my life.  By writing about the trials and triumphs I experienced with marriage, parenting, and my own personal growth and spirituality, I have learned a great deal about who I am, and who I desire to continue to be as I navigate the rest of my life’s journey.

Along this road, I also returned to college and finished my Bachelors in Psychology, I began a career path in adolescent addiction treatment, I have written about parenting on sites such as The Huffington Post, Ten to Twenty Parenting, A Fine Parent, and Suburban Parent Magazine.  I have also been writing a column for our local newspaper.  And earlier this year I was instrumental in bringing a favorite parenting author to Dallas to speak about conscious parenting.  All of these steps have allowed me to see where my passion and purpose lies.

This may not come as a surprise to you, but throughout these various steps I have discovered my passion is in helping parents work towards creating deeper, healthier connections with their kids.

Because everything starts at home.  And if we hope to change the path of dysfunction we are on, it will be through our most intimate relationships first.

To that end, I have spent the last several months studying to become a certified parent guide.

Because I know parenting is the greatest challenge one can travel during our lifetime, and I don’t think there is nearly enough support and encouragement for the endeavor.  My goal as a guide is to help parents discover (a) where the changes are necessary in their parent/child relationships, and (b) to examine and execute a willingness to look within themselves to create the change to strengthen relationships in the home

I am not going into business for myself because I believe I am a parent who is perfect, or who never makes mistakes.  Quite the opposite, I am going into the business of parent coaching because I have made many mistakes along the way, and I have learned a great deal about my role as mom.  Parenting consciously is a practice I take seriously, everyday.  I have seen my relationships with my kids and my husband flourish because I have worked on myself and on the relationships closest to me.

This site will take on a different look in the coming weeks.  It will go from a place where I exclusively write about my personal journey, to a place where moms and dads, who are looking to work on the most precious ties in their lives, will learn more about parent coaching, about me, and about the program they can work through with me to bring harmony back to their family life.

My focus will be with parents of preteens to young adults.  Because I am in the thick of that age group myself, so I have a special connection to the ups and downs of parenting this population.

Real Life Mom is going to become (hint, hint….look up at the web address…)

Real Life Parent Guide!

Will I still write, yes!  Because writing (for me) is like prayer.  I don’t think I could ever stop writing.  But it will become a “tab”, not the home page.

I hope you will remain on this journey with me, even if I am not writing as often as I used to, my focus now will be on educating parents about this field and working one-on-one with those who choose to embrace it!

One more song for the road…I think this one says a lot, not only about my journey thus far, but about each one of us having the same opportunity to live life well!

Peace…

 

 

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The frightening world of teen girls and social media

My summer reading list included a book suggested by a friend of mine who knows I care a lot about raising kids in today’s confusing culture.  The title: American Girls:  Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers by Nancy Jo Sales.  I knew, even before I finished the introduction, it was going to be an incredibly valuable read, so I emailed six of Mia’s closest friends’ moms and asked them if they would want to pick up the book to read and discuss before middle school starts the end of August.  All six said yes!

I can summarize my reaction to this book in three short sentences:

If you want to read a book that will scare the shit out of you, I totally recommend it!

If you want to read a book that will give you very specific accounts about American teenage girls and their experience with social media and the affect it is having on their lives, I totally recommend this book.

If you want a book that is light-hearted and easy to read…I do NOT recommend this book.

As a mom whose only daughter is starting middle school, whose son is finishing middle school this year, one who is on his way to college, as well as two out in the “real” world, I am naturally very curious about the impact of social media on kids today.  I know a lot of other parents like myself (thus the idea for a book discussion).

Before I launch into the book itself, let me share the p.s. (phone status) of our children…the three older boys have phones, of course, and no one monitors them.  Maddux (13) has no interest in one, Mia (11) wants a phone (most of her friends already have one), they spend a fair amount of time on them when they are over at our house.  It’s hard not to notice the impact of getting likes, posting pictures/cute, short Musical.ly videos, and their reviewing the comments is already having on them.

Nancy Jo Sales‘ book is an intense look at how social media (specifically Facebook, SnapChat, Instagram, Twitter) is affecting girls from 10 states (NY, NJ, VA, FL, CA, AZ, TX, IN, DE and KY), she divides the book up into chapters relating age 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, and 18 and she interviews dozens of girls over a two year period of time.

I literally had to put the book down for a while after reading the first chapter…Thirteen.

I mean, as an adult who recently took a big step back from social media herself, I am well aware of the impact it was having on me…but, to learn what it’s doing to our teenagers is really nauseating.

The most shocking thing I learned in the first chapter was that it’s common for girls (remember I am reading the chapter written about many thirteen-year-olds from all over the country) to receive “dic pics”.  

WHAT?!

Yes, pictures of naked, erect, male genitalia. Often of their classmates…

The second most shocking thing I learned from the early part of the book is there is a rampant pattern of blackmail between teen boys and girls involving the sending of nude pictures. If you (teen girl) don’t do it when it’s requested of you your damned…and, if you DO do it (because you’re afraid of the consequences if you DON’T do it, or if you are super confident in your body and what the hell, you want the attention) you’re screwed as well.

What the f*#@ is the world coming to?????!!!!!

So, because I was having a hard time digesting the gravity of this behavior in kids my kids age, I decided to ask my older son if this is truly a valid thing…he says “yes, it’s all over social media.”

Wow.

Nancy Jo Sales book goes on for many chapters, laden with interviews with teen girls from all walks of life, and she arrives at the conclusion after much research…kids today (male and female) are striving for the sexual shock, “likes”, fame, attention why?  

Because of porn.  And because they are emulating celebrities.

Because of the easy access of porn to any age, both boys and girls are being heavily influenced.  We have created a generation of young people (getting younger by the day), who feel as if they have to keep up with the image, lifestyle, and emotional distance of a multi-billion dollar a year industry where sexual fantasy rules and there are no consequences.

But, in real life the consequences of this second, totally unrealistic world, are very, very  BIG.

That’s probably the most depressing thing I can think of.  And it makes me incredibly sad and sick to think my daughter is about to become part of a world where this is a strong possibility.

And, as much as I want to box her up until she is an adult, we all know that is (a) not realistic, and (b) a bad idea anyway.  So, just like with the topic of drugs and alcohol, I am going to do and be the next best thing…I will continue to take the only approach I believe will work as my last two kids head down the slippery slope of adolescence into young adulthood with social media as their guide.

I am going to continue to educate myself on what’s going on in the world of teens and social media use, I am going to work daily at continuing to create the kind of relationship with my kids where they can feel free and comfortable coming to talk with me about the things they experience on social media, at their school, and with drugs/alcohol use.  We are going to role play situations they may find themselves in so they will have a clue what’s coming with some suggestions on how to handle themselves.

And I am going to continue to find ways to get parents to talk with one another more (like book discussions).

Like every other parent, my intentions will be great and I will make mistakes along the way.  But I will persevere.

When the stakes are this high, remaining in the dark is not an option.  And creating power struggles in our home will get us nowhere. The only sensible, attractive way to guide your teenager today is to create connection that starts with being human, being honest and vulnerable, taking time to educate them on what may come, and being emotionally and physically available to listen without judgment and with compassion as they move through this challenging (for all) phase of life.

American Girls Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers is a realistic look at the impact and influence of social media on our kids today.  

So, tell me, what are the biggest challenges and fears you are feeling as a parent around social media in your home? What is your family’s approach to this not-going-away trend?  I would love to hear!  Comment below, or send an email to realifemom.com@gmail.com!

 

 

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I found the courage to iFly Dallas, and so can you!

I am a chicken shit.

Totally…

Anyone who knows me even somewhat well will tell you I hate heights, speed, and I definitely despise roller coasters.  (I had a near-death incident on The Demon at Six Flags in Gurnee, Illinois during my eighth grade field trip that changed my outlook about whether or not I should ever again hang upside down and spin around.)

But sometimes, in order to celebrate life, get the family to do something out of the ordinary, and to see how far you can push yourself, you will challenge yourself to things that are completely out of your comfort zone.

For me that was agreeing to be the first in line to go on our inaugural trip to a local indoor skydiving experience called, iFly Dallas.

It all started because Tom turned fifty this week, and I wanted to find something to commemorate that milestone with him.  He’s a fairly adventurous guy (unlike his wife), so a few weeks ago I thought of [what, to me at the time, was a] brilliant idea…Tom and the boys should go indoor skydiving while the grandmas (Tom’s mom came to town to celebrate with us), Mia and myself would make a nice dinner, maybe put up some streamers….you know, take care of all of the very safe, fun, festive birthday party preparations. 

Well, the plan I had in mind turned into “this should be a whole family adventure” and all of a sudden I learn we have purchased and booked a group package (for up to 6 people).

How convenient…

I have a couple of kids who, like me, hate taking any kind of risk.  So I know, as their mom, if I want them to be willing to leave their comfort zone, I have to be willing to do it FIRST.  Using the “I grow because you make me” manta that has come in handy during my 24-year marriage, I agree to going, and I even make sure I am the first in line when we head onto the flight deck.

Of course. long before we arrive at iFly I read all of the information on the website, investing in the “this is a “fun”…EASY experience”.

I think to myself, as long as it’s nothing like riding a roller coaster I’ll be fine.

And it was!

The first time out, that is.

We had paid for two, one-minute trips into the tunnel.  I know, this does not sound like much of a big deal at all, and that was the way I looked at it…surely I can do anything for two one-minute increments, right?!

All six of us took our initial flight round really well.  Even the two kids who wanted absolutely nothing to do with the experience.  

Round two was a different story…for me anyway.

I look Justin (our flight instructor…or tormentor, depending on who is viewing him) in the eyes as I enter the chamber, hoping it conveys everything I want to actually say, but he would never be able to hear…“go easy on me Justin, I HATE heights and even more than that I HATE to spin around”…he smiles and I pray he gets what I am thinking as we begin the second minute together.

To be honest, I think Justin totally understood what I was trying to let him know, but he thought he could convince me otherwise…you know, to release my fear of heights and spinning…

I am not going to lie, as we spun up the tunnel the first time I closed my eyes and of course my go-to word came to mind…

“Shit!”

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit…

After opening my eyes briefly to see just how high we’d flown, I clamped them tightly shut just in time…I screamed (not that anyone heard me) as we plunged, SPINNING, down to the bottom of the tunnel.  

Repeat.

FIVE MORE TIMES!

before he had to take hold my fly suit from behind and direct me out the door because I was so dizzy I couldn’t take a straight step.

It was over, I lived through it, but NEVER again will I go indoor (or outdoor for that matter) skydiving.

The kids and Tom bought additional minutes and will return.

Good for them I say.

This family experience is one I am sure we will talk about for a long time.  I am happy I took part in it so that my kids could see (a) we can’t always predict what mom will do, and (b) mom can do things that cause her anxiety and take her out of her comfort zone, and so can I.

I found out later my husband had paid a little extra so I could have the second flight minute of my life.

Nice.

Can’t wait to see what he has in store for MY fiftieth birthday in a few years…

 

 

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My parenting? Why would I want to look at THAT?!

Look at these stinkers…aren’t they precious?!

This picture of my youngest two kids was taken on Independence Day, 2008 right about the time my parenting got seriously called into question by…me.

It started innocently enough, the radio station in our minivan was playing the top pop songs when, for some reason, I really began to tune in to the lyrics. Oh wait a minute, I know why…it was because Mia began to sing along with a Rihanna tune word-for-word making my ears perk up to know, brand new to age four, she was talking about the smell of sex (of course totally oblivious to what the song really meant).  The moment gave me great pause because I realized whether she understood the lyrics in that moment or not, she was internalizing the message.

I know I was sensitive to this possibility because, on the opposite end of my parenting spectrum at the time, was my eldest son struggling through addiction.  And, while I wasted little time on why he was enmeshed in this disease, and certainly no time on “why me”, the situation was alarming enough to my heart and mind to really question what I was bringing, in terms of the outside world and my own attitude and energy, into my impressionable children’s lives.

What I have found in the years since I began looking at my parenting is that we are all quite susceptible to the way we were raised and how, for many of us, our inner child was silenced and stifled from becoming who we were meant to be…as a matter of fact, many of us spend our adult years trying to figure out who we really are and what truly matters on our life journey (“finding oneself”) mainly because our role models, teachers, coaches and others found ways to tell us who we were, what we could like, how to behave when we were young.

The second avenue of lasting impression on us can be seen in the daily messages we receive and internalize.   We live in a culture that, in large part, continuously, blatantly and indirectly, emphasizes money, physical beauty, competition, and external achievement in the name of perseverance at all costs, dedication no matter what, and loyalty to being committed…unless it’s a lifetime.

Rather than teaching us empathy, compassion, tolerance, diversity, self-acceptance and inner beauty.

And it’s really easy as a parent to look the other way (or play deaf) to popular song lyrics or questionable movies or television shows.  In the name of what? Not wanting to cause waves, to look “uncool”, or because of a desire to stay on your child’s “good” side.

The thing of it is, we don’t even realize how deeply our upbringing affects us until we have young children of our own and we begin to catch ourselves saying things like, “I’m turning into my mother.” Or, “My dad said there’d be payback one day.”  Aspects of our early years, such as how our parents related to one another, what roles each played in the everyday family atmosphere we were surrounded in, and how they handled stressful situations all write directly on who we become and how we deal with life.

I see so clearly at times the unfinished business I carry from my family of origin being played out in my marriage, in my relationships with my kids, and even in choosing to confront a neighbor or friend about a conflict I have with them.

I replaced my dad with my husband to the tune of for years not being able to exercise my voice for fear of not being heard, or being misunderstood, or worse yet dismissed as not important or less than worthwhile.

Which isn’t fair to my husband or my dad…however,  it’s ME who’s had to work hard at finding and regaining my voice, sense of self, and value.

What I learned by osmosis from my wonderful, nurturing mom was that kids and grandkids come before my own needs, voice, desires.  While caring for family is incredibly important, sacrificing oneself in the process is, I know, not what my mom had in mind, and surely not what she wanted me to pick up on. 

The value in looking back at the feelings surrounding your raising throughout your family of origin allows you to remember and connect how those crucial personality traits and characteristics play out in our lives, especially in our close relationships, today.  

When we don’t take stock or practice making changes healthier for ourselves and our kids, we are apt to repeat patterns and cycles.

Which is a disservice to the children we called into the world to help us see exactly where we needed to find and grow ourselves.

So, stop blaming your child for their misbehavior and look at why it’s triggering your frustration, disappointment, and anxiety.  And then begin to work on where YOU need to grow.

Maybe it begins with changing the radio station…

 

Contact Information

(972) 689-0250
realifeparentguide@gmail.com