May 21, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to be a fantastic parent to your teenager…

Dear Disappointed/Overwhelmed/ Angry/Frustrated Parent of a Teenager,

Would you like to know the secret(s) to enjoying your kids through their adolescence? Would you like to get along with your son or daughter while they go from puberty to independence?

Awesome!

Because they sure need you right now.

I am going to give you the answer to this because I have been living it out for the past decade and I see and work with so many parents who are stressed out, anxious, and at their wits end…I want to share with you how I truly enjoy guiding kids through adolescence in the hopes it will inspire you to work toward the same end.

First and foremost, there are a few things you will need to do differently. By that I mean you’ll need to do them in a different way than your parents did while raising you. Because you see, the way our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents parented does not work well with kids today.

To evolve your parenting into what will give you the healthiest, happiest outcome, you will need to release some baggage that isn’t serving you or your child and, at this point (whether you want to believe it or not) is the main reason you are white knuckling it through this decade+ of your child’s development.

Looking back at your childhood is a KEY step to shifting any challenges you face with your teenager right now.

In addition to recognizing the need to parent differently during the teen years, here are a few of the other things I do to really enjoy my kids (who, at this point, are middle school/high school/college/young adult career/and 30-something married):

STOP LISTENING to the messages our culture tells parents, directly and subliminally, about what our kids “should” and “shouldn’t” be doing/accomplishing/checking off in order for them to become “successful” adults. Most of it is b.s. We [parents] get as many messages and pressure tactics from the media, school, neighbors (the ones we’re trying to keep up with), and well-intentioned family members as our kids do! The anxiety this stirs up inside of parents that their kid isn’t “measuring up” is hurting family life because the parent/child relationship is being built upon our kids having to perform for love and acceptance. Sure, we say we love them unconditionally, but they know (because they can feel it inside of themselves) that if they don’t come through in whatever way we’ve decided is so important they won’t be good enough. This is where the feeling of unworthiness is born. Our kids are working at living out our agenda for them, trying to meet our expectations, instead of doing what they came into the world to work through…to evolve into the very best version of themselves. Which, quite frankly, may look nothing like you think it should look.
START LISTENING to your child, it’s amazing how much brutal honesty comes from their mouths and their behavior. This isn’t about whipping them into shape…my God, if your child is misbehaving in your eyes (anger issues, anxiety, stressed out, drinking/drugging, screwing around at age 13/14/15) this is a CALL FOR HELP, not a slap in your face. Don’t waste time trying to track their every text and movement…start thinking about, and talking with them about, what’s going on for them and what is behind their choice to self-medicate or find love and affection in ways that will limit their potential. You’ve got to do this in a way that let’s them know you are on their side and not coming from trying to control or power over them. And please, if you are struggling to gain ground, seek professional help!
DISAPPOINTMENT DOES NOT BELONG ANYWHERE IN PARENTING. I’ve thought about this for a long time and I truly believe being disappointed in your son or daughter for any reason, whether you say it directly to them or they can just feel it coming through your energy, is one of the worst things a parent can do because it shames the child and pulls them away from their highest intentions. There is NOTHING the kids I birthed could ever say or do that would cause me to feel disappointed. They are NOT here to please me. I called them into the world and their only “job” is to experience life while reflecting back to me the opportunity to evolve myself in that process.
BE VULNERABLE. Let your kids know when you’ve messed up, they need to know you’re human. Go ahead and share that the topic you want to discuss with them makes you feel uncomfortable. The more honest you can be with them the more honest they will feel they can be with you.
LAUGH A LITTLE! A sense of humor will go far with teens. Instead of lecturing them to death (and it falling on deaf ears) be willing to make a point in a playful way:

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YOU, YOU, YOU…sometimes it’s all about you. I can’t stress this enough. When I started to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually my relationship with my kids grew stronger. CHOOSE to do this without any guilt. I know it’s cliche, but think about the cabin pressure mask on a plane story…you literally cannot give others what you don’t have. For me this practice includes running several times a week, daily meditation, feeding my mind with positive books/t.v. programming/podcasts. One of my current favorite podcasts is called What Were You Thinking?! It’s a FANTASTIC look at adolescents and why they make the choices they do.
NOT YOU, NOT YOU, NOT YOU…distance yourself from taking what your teen says too seriously. Parents often take their kids angry words too much to heart. If you are going to have a mutually respectful relationship it’s gotta start with you. Building (or keeping) a connected relationship with your teenager is more important than their behavior being exactly what you need it to be.

And finally, my last bit of sharing because this is truly what I do with our kids: Detach from the outcome. Work on building a connection with them so they feel like they can come to you and you would never judge them. There are some very diverse beliefs about politics, religion, and lifestyle choices among our group of seven…I embrace every single one of them.

If I can help or support you on your parenting journey in any way, please reach out.

Kim Muench

Founder, Real Life Parent Guide

972-689-0250

May 10, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

What made this kid so damn disrespectful?

“F#*% YOU!” She bellowed from the other side of the rack in the Juniors section at Target. Brief pause before, “Goddamn it Mom, you ALWAYS ruin things for me, I can’t stand you!”

I looked at Mia with wide eyes and mouthed, “Did we just hear what I think we just heard?!”

In my mind I was thinking, what in gods name could this kid be so angry about that she’s compelled to drop the f-bomb and yell at her mom (loudly, in public, I might add) with such intensity?

Yet I know this kind conversation goes on between moms and their kids all the time. Many a mother has shared with me their experience of feeling angry, resentful, and sometimes overwhelmed by her child’s disrespectful words and actions.

And I wonder…what allows kids today to go where we never would have dared? To actually say such horrible things to their mothers that likely only lived in our deepest, darkest thoughts.

We’ve obviously contributed to this in some way…

Much as we might like them to, our kids don’t look at authority the same way we did. There is an increasing lack of respect for life in general due, in part, because kids have access to much more information than we did, which has had an influence on how they are responding to life.

Moms tend to experience disrespectful behavior more often from their kids than dads do because moms are [generally] the more nurturing parent, the softer place to fall. Moms usually forgive easier than dads do, they consistently share a wider range of emotions, their voices aren’t as harsh nor their looks as menacing.

When I was growing up, my Mom would often have to ask me repeatedly (kindly at first, then with increasing volume and attitude) to do basic stuff like load the dishwasher or make my bed. On the other hand, if my Dad even looked at me the wrong way and I’d be in tears. My response was based on the fact that on some level I knew my Mom (exasperated or not) would love and accept me no matter what…my Dad, well, he had a more conditional vibe. I felt I had to perform to his satisfaction in order to gain his love and approval. My Dad was someone to be cautious around.

I think kids just “know” what they can get away with and what they can’t with their parents.

Which begs the question: Why do moms allow themselves to be disrespected by their kids?

It’s simple.

Parents who place an emphasis on getting specific behavior from their kids will be on the receiving end of their child’s disrespect more often than those who emphasize connection in their relationship.

If you are driven by your child’s behavior being the compass for your success as a parent your child will sense it and will push you away because what they really crave (yes, even during their teenage years) is a connection with you that doesn’t rest completely on who you need them to be.

Ask yourself: What is more important to me…the way my child behaves, or the connection I have with my child?

If you cultivate a relationship where your child’s behavior is the priority and is a direct reflection of your ability to parent, when your kid acts up or talks back to you in a way that hurts your feelings, then you will be fueling a connection that will incite arguments, power struggles, and confrontation. Especially during adolescence when our kids naturally begin to pull away from us.

What worked when your child was young no longer holds water during their emerging independence.

And…

because the way our parents raised us isn’t working with this generation.

Have you noticed?

Everything else in the world is changing and evolving, why should parenting be any different?

Mom, when your kid drops the f-bomb or slams the door, when she take three hours to do one simple household task you go crazy because you feel unheard and disrespected, right?

And kids aren’t allowed to do that to their parents, right?

I promise you, when you shift from defining the relationship with your son or daughter from their behavior being acceptable to you to building a connection with them you will have less struggle.

Write out a to-do list, tell them they’ve got the weekend to get it done, if it’s not done set the consequence ahead of time so they know what will come, then close your mouth.

You want your teenager to be invested in your relationship, so you can continue to impart some wisdom on them as they make bigger life decisions. If your child feels controlled by you, or that they have to perform to your expectation to receive your love and acceptance that’s where the rebellion comes in.

All behavior (yours, mine, our kids) is an attempt to satisfy one of six basic human needs: **acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and connection.** We are built and wired to connect with one another.

Every time you engage with your son/daughter from a place where their behavior is more important than the connection in your relationship, you create disconnection.

The next time you begin to feel the tension rise with your son or daughter take a moment to figure out what’s going on below the surface for you. On the surface you may feel frustrated, angry, even disappointed…but there’s always something else going on below the surface (often motivated by your fear or anxiety) that threatens the connection you have with your child.

The older your child gets the less control you have and the more you will be needed to support and encourage them in whatever decisions they are making for themselves. You shift from being their teacher into being their guide who will allow them to have as many choices as possible (even if they might fail) so they can learn what works for them and what doesn’t.

You got this Mom!

March 20, 2018 by Kim Muench 2 Comments

Why I want my daughter to know I was a victim of sexual assault

It was on my radar to be aware that when my daughter headed into her teen years it would trigger me in ways my four sons never did. However, I didn’t know (until now) exactly what it would be that would set me off.

Having been a teenage girl, I naturally easily identify with what she’s going through socially, emotionally, and academically. This has, so far, been the case and hasn’t been a challenge. In fact, we have really open communication and discuss lots of light and difficult things, even topics I didn’t think I’d ever be comfortable speaking to my kids about. But, what I didn’t anticipate was how an experience I had at her age would cause me to become anxious about the potential of it happening to her…so much so my anxiety began to interfere with how she and I were interacting.

You see, in 8th grade I was sexually assaulted by a group of male classmates late one evening while I was babysitting. This experience began to cloud my thoughts each time my daughter would ask to go and play tennis two blocks down the street from our house. My mind would wander to the thought it was likely she would run into some of her male middle school teammates while hitting the ball with her girlfriends.

I found myself fearing what could happen to her while walking to or from the park, or while at the park, and then I worried about what kind of effect it might have on her. I remember all too well how the encounter I had experienced with those boys I had so blindly trusted had affected me.

I tried for a while to dismiss my anxiety, but discovered it inevitably creeping in every time she’d ask to go play. My instinct was to say, “I’ll drop you off and pick you up…” or “Not tonight, it’s already dark,” but then I’d silently reprimand myself because I knew this kind of response would only be allowing a traumatic event from my past to be projected onto her.

My daughter is not me.

That being said, I began to wonder, was there some value in the sharing of my sexual assault experience with her?

Parents have asked me how much they should share about their teen years with their kids (usually around the topics of alcohol/drug use, dating, grades). I believe the answer to this depends on why you want to tell them, and how you actually go about sharing the information. Being open with your kids about your own life can be beneficial to theirs if your intention is positive and when you decide to share the information it doesn’t come from your fear.

So that meant for me to share the story with my daughter I had to be in a place where fear wasn’t the motivating factor for my sharing. I had some personal work to do.

I asked myself what could be gained by my telling her? How much detail did I want to share? How did I think she’d receive the information? What was the intended outcome? Would this be a situation that could help us connect or would it be something that (out of fear) might cause her to pull away for some reason?

After thinking about the pros and cons of sharing my experience with her, I recently decided it was worth the conversation. But I wanted to be clear with my intentions before it came out of my mouth. The last thing I wanted was to scare her; my deepest desire was to inspire her about the importance of tuning into her own instincts and trusting her gut. Because that is what I wish I’d have done when I was thirteen and faced with a group of boys who thought it would be fun to assault me.

I purposely chose the time (in the car while we were running errands), we had plenty of space for her to digest what I was saying and to ask questions. At the end of our conversation I knew she’d understood my objective because she told me she was sorry to hear that it happened to me, but glad she knew because it was a good example of how to know when to “listen to your inner voice.” (Hah!)

Have you been thinking about sharing something from your teen years with your son or daughter? If you have an example from your own parenting journey I’d love to hear about it. Share in the comment section below or send me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

March 8, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Should you have parenting regrets? No!

I RECENTLY HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF SPEAKING TO A GROUP OF HIGH SCHOOL BOYS. The topic was drug and alcohol use. When I thought about how I would talk with them I decided I didn’t want to just be the mom/parent coach who walked into the room with the usual presentation they may or may not actually hear, I wanted to make an impact.

I began my speech by saying I knew throwing a bunch of statistics at them wasn’t going to impress them because I believe statistics can be manipulated to fit whatever point you’re trying to make (I got several nods in response to this statement). Then I told them I didn’t want to come in with a lecture about drinking because they all have parents who, I’m sure, spend time instructing them on the evils of doing drugs and underage drinking (of course, more nods). And, lastly, I wasn’t going to give a voice to “just say no.”

I shared with them in the only way I thought I might get heard, and that was to boldly tell the story of my experience as the mother of a teenager who began drinking alcohol (coincidentally, at the same age they are right now) as a recreational pass time, but who then fell into addiction by the time he was twenty years old.

That captured their attention.

Many of you know my story, if not you can learn more about it here, but the experience of having a child fall into an addiction to alcohol has deeply changed me. His birth, when I was eighteen, was the other life event that has really shaped who I am today.

I was open and brutally honest with the boys the entire time I spoke . I shared with them my initial denial about my son’s drinking and about how that certainly didn’t help the situation. But, again being transparent, even if I’d been more eyes-open I don’t know if I would have been able to stop the tumble down my son was on.

That’s not an excuse; it’s reality.

He and I had a very close relationship while he was growing up, he would tell you the same thing. But that didn’t stop his addiction from happening.

After I finished sharing my story, I asked the boys to write down on an index card one thing they took away from what I’d shared and one question they had about my experience or about addiction in general. Though I should not have been surprised, I was amazed at the thought-provoking statements and questions they came back with!

Someone in the group wrote, “What is your biggest regret out of everything you told us.”

Of course this made me think.

“Hmmmmm,” I said. “I honestly can’t think of any regret I have about what transpired.”

Do I wish he hadn’t gotten a taste of alcohol so young and become addicted to the way it helped him cope with the stress and challenges in his life during high school? Yes. But I understand why it happened.

Do I wish I’d have listened to my gut when the evidence (smells from his room that were not what I wrote off at the time as “teen boy smells”, missing alcohol from the cabinet, odd sleep patterns) was right in front of my eyes? Yes. Denial can be a powerful parenting obstacle.

Do I wish he would have felt able to come to me sooner and ask for help? Definitely! But, when he was ready, he did come to me and although the experience got much darker before the light, I supported and encouraged him (as I still do today) into what is a healthier version of the teen who inadvertently got addicted to a substance that became his main coping skill.

Regrets in parenting are a waste of time. If you have experienced a personal challenge with your child it’s worth sharing with others so they can learn from your experience; but life is much too short to regret our natural oversights as human beings.

We are parents, not perfect.

We do the best we can with what we know every moment as we raise our children. When we know better, we do better!

If you live with regrets about the way you were parented, or the way you are parenting, STOP. Seek a new approach to developing your most important relationships, don’t waste another moment on “what could have been” or “why didn’t I do this or why didn’t I see this coming?”

My passion and mission in life is to help other parents by speaking, writing, leading workshops, and coaching one-on-one. I don’t do this because I feel as if I’m the perfect parent; I do this because I desperately want to see families become happier, healthier, and more functional. OUR TEENAGERS NEED US.

Would you like to learn more about how I can help you? Go here.

Because they sure need you right now.

Ask yourself: What is more important to me…the way my child behaves, or the connection I have with my child?

All behavior (yours, mine, our kids) is an attempt to satisfy one of six basic human needs: acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and connection. We are built and wired to connect with one another.

We do the best we can with what we know every moment as we raise our children. When we know better, we do better!

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All behavior (yours, mine, our kids) is an attempt to satisfy one of six basic human needs: **acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and connection.** We are built and wired to connect with one another.