Parenting Teens Archives - Page 3 of 7

June 27, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

My daughter crossed the line and lost our trust

To say it’s a challenge to raise teens during this age of daily digital use may be an understatement. How much time should our kids be in front of a screen? Should they have this or that app? How do I set up rules and boundaries for social media use? How do we teach them kind online behavior? One version or another of these questions come up in almost every conversation I have with parents. Many moms and dads are frustrated, and sometimes even overwhelmed (especially during the many free hours the summer months bring) regarding their kids and iPhones.

I would be lying if I said screen time/iPhone use wasn’t an issue in our home, with our two youngest, on occasion as well. So, I’m with you; I get it.

Last week I had a mom reach out to me to share a quandary I believe many parents can relate to; so I thought I would turn it into a blog post (with her permission of course), with the idea of sharing what may be a slightly different perspective on the topic.

Here are the nuts & bolts of this mom’s dilemma:

Mary* shared with me her 14-year-old daughter Eliza* has become “sneaky” with regard to social media and phone use. Mary learned her daughter was in a relationship with a boy (because Mary’s older daughter alerted her to this fact). Since that time, Mary has seen a few of her daughter’s texts and social media posts that have included references of Eliza’s being grateful for his holding her hand and loving her when she doesn’t feel loved by her own family. Mary is both truly surprised and hurt by this comment, Eliza has never led on to any of this with her mom. Mary admits she is really struggling with how to handle Eliza’s comment and the relationship with the boy; she feels she cannot trust Eliza after learning these things. Mary did put together a phone contract for her daughter when she got the phone; but it never got signed by Eliza. Mary adds that her older daughters are responsible, kind, and honest, she doesn’t know where this is coming from in her youngest, Eliza. Mary’s immediate response was to take Eliza’s phone away as a consequence because she is not okay with Eliza’s (a) having a boyfriend, (b) being dishonest about having a boyfriend, (c) general sneakiness with phone use. Bottom line, Mary feels Eliza needs to be reined in.

* names have been changed, of course*

Gulp. That’s a lot to chew on and digest…but I know so many parents will relate to Mary’s story because similar scenarios happen everyday, right?!

Let’s pull this apart a little bit…

First…there is a lack of communication between parent and child regarding dating. Maybe it was never really discussed yet because Mary didn’t think Eliza was even interested in boys at 14. Maybe, and understandably, dating and sexuality is a touchy topic for this mom to talk about with her kids (can’t say I don’t relate to this…). Another area where there was a breakdown in communication is the use of the phone. Likely it just became part of daily life, like it does for many families, with the best of intentions for establishing and executing the phone contract. It was drawn up, probably talked about, but not executed. We can also recognize this situation could have happened even if there was a signed contract in place. Because even the most “on-top-of-it” parents miss things.

Second, Mary is thrown for a loop by her daughter’s (a) dating a boy and then (b) announcing to this boy that she feels more connected to him than she does to her family (fair statement or not; this is apparently Eliza’s perception). Mary feels her daughter has always been treated with love and respect, given lots of attention and gifts. There is a disconnect between what Mary feels is going on in the family and Eliza’s view of her life.

Third, and I believe most important…is the emotional reaction this whole situation is bringing up inside of Mary. On the surface she’s taken off guard, beneath that she may be feeling insecure about what she thought/felt was a trustworthy relationship with her youngest daughter, and she’s worried about her daughter’s (potentially) over emotional investment in a teenage boy. In addition, since Eliza is not behaving as her older sisters have (or, are), Mary is unsure how to navigate the challenges she sees now, and possibly what might develop between Mary and her daughter in the future.

I would like to ask Mary to take a step back, take a deep breath, and to process her feelings BEFORE she responds to Eliza and the situation she recently learned about.

Our children’s (teenagers) behavior is an attempt to get one of their six core needs met. Those core needs include attention, appreciation, autonomy, affection, acceptance, or connection. When we reframe parenting to include this concept, we have a better understanding that our emotional response to a situation that arises with our son or daughter has more to do with our (or, in this case, MARY’s) emotions than it does about what a teen (Eliza) is doing. In other words, Eliza’s behavior(s) are triggering an emotional reaction in Mary.

Our teens behavior can be our greatest trigger. Agreed?

Some questions…

As the parent, when you respond to the situation (be it dating, the phone use, or the hurtful comment about your family) ask yourself…do I want to come from a place of fear, or a place of love (in other words; do I want to connect or disconnect with my teen over this)? If you unconsciously come from fear (worry/anxiety) the overall tone and energy of the conversation will present itself, in your teens eyes, as control. This could open up, or escalate a power struggle…not what we want to have happen with our teenager. The older they get, the more we’ll want to approach them from a place of support; putting into play boundaries that give them guidance, but giving them choices as often as possible so they can tap into their own path/voice, which includes allowing them to learn [at times] by faltering in the process.
Next, take the time to solidify what your family values are around dating. Just because the relationship has already started does not mean you should panic or throw your hands up and say “what’s done is done”. If you are co-parenting, talk it through together and come up with boundaries you can be on the same page about. A lot of parental anxiety creeps in when we remember our own experiences around dating and bring those fears/anxieties into the parent/child relationship assuming our kids might make the same choices or “mistakes” we did. It’s true; they could. But, your child is not you. Dating is an important part of adolescence and one you (mom/dad) need to be clear on, in your own mind, when talking with your teen about what that looks like for her at age 14.
Same process for phone use. All of us (parents) are a little freaked out at times about the potential for social media disasters or iPhone texting. We’ve all heard stories about predators, hidden apps, boys blackmailing girls into doing things they don’t want to do and getting pictures of it, the potential for something being posted that would ruin the college/professional/social future of your child. I completely understand and there is no doubt bad/unfair things happen. At the same time, mom/dad establishing the boundaries they are going to consistently hold around social media and phone use…and then approaching your teen with a heart that speaks that you have your child’s back; not that you are wanting to control your child, will make a big difference.

Mary loves Eliza, there is no question…which is why she is troubled by the situation. And the first step is for Mary to become clear in her own mind and then have an honest, open conversation with Eliza about the boyfriend, about social media and phone use. I believe the comment Eliza made about his (the boyfriend) being there and loving her when her family doesn’t can be released; except for Mary to consider it may have been a momentary reaction to something that went on earlier in Eliza’s day. But it may also be an opportunity for Mary to talk with Eliza about how much (intentional? or more likely, inadvertent?) emotional pressure Eliza may be placing on this boy and the relationship. This is a chance for Mary to empower Eliza around building self-reliance and strengthening the emotional connection within herself so as not to feel the need to receive too much assurance from a budding teen romance.

Have a parenting dilemma you’d like picked apart? I’d love to help. Send me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

June 12, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Be grateful for the struggle with your teen

It’s inevitable, and a necessary part of their growing up; our children gradually evolve into young people who form their own thoughts/opinions/experiences and paths. But that doesn’t mean as their parent it isn’t hard to hear, understand, or bare witness to it at times, right?

A chance exchange with an acquaintance last week at Target reminded me why it’s “in the struggle” we have the greatest opportunity to grow as people…and as parents.

Dad’s nightmare began one recent evening with an unexpected phone call from the local police letting him know his teen daughter had been caught drinking while at the home of a friend of hers…there was a lot of noise and kids running about the neighborhood, so a neighbor called…maybe you too have experienced this, or you know someone who has?

Dad admitted to me that he was struggling most with the embarrassment he was feeling around being called by the police. He could not understand why his “level-headed” daughter had made the choice to go to the friend’s house (knowing the parents were out of town) to drink alcohol (knowing they’d talked about it and…he thought…agreed that she wasn’t going to drink during high school). On top of that, he was appalled she was super “nonchalant” about the whole thing when he did go and pick her up. She told him he was overreacting.

“I have no idea how to handle my anger and disappointment, not to mention my embarrassment about this!”

I asked him if he thought he was overreacting, like his daughter had suggested…

After thinking about it for a moment he said, “Maybe. But I’m scared, now that she’s made this choice once, it could easily happen again…and what if she turns into a party girl who isn’t able to pull it together enough to get through high school and into college. She’s got so much potential!”

His thoughts/feelings, while valid, aren’t helpful. Because he’s operating out of fear. The most productive attitude dad can take is to pause and be present.

The adolescent brain is a funny organ. During these years our kids are going through all sorts of hormonal and brain change which often leads to social and emotional change/choices we [moms and dads] just do not see coming. And because these wonderful kids are also more inclined to take risks while in the company of their peers, we’ve got to understand that our main role during this stage of their lives is to find a balance between allowing them to participate in social activities while also being aware of the potential for their choosing to do or say something we “know” in a million years they’d never do otherwise. And JUST AS IMPORTANT, we have to model the behavior we want to see in them.

You can’t say “don’t drink and drive” and then…drink and drive yourself.

Will not work. They see, hear, understand, internalize much more than we give them credit for…long before the teen years. But especially during this life stage.

A changing brain is not a teen’s licence to behave and then be excused from whatever choices they make during adolescence (which, remember, is now defined as ages 10-25), BUT it’s something we have to take into consideration as we work through an event (such as a drinking party) in moving forward with our teen.

I suggested dad process his anger, frustration, disappointment before sitting down with his daughter to talk about the party and her choices so that he would be present to her thoughts, feelings, feedback (instead of reacting from anger/frustraton/fear). Then, together, with his wisdom at the helm, they could come up with a healthy compromise around her socializing the rest of the summer.

Number one thing we’ve got to create as parents of adolescents is a true sense of energy around working WITH our kids; guiding them by being present of mind, and not fully influenced by our own angry/frustrated reaction. Our kids need us to work WITH them; not control and parent OVER them…especially as they reach the upper high school and young adult years.

Want to learn more about how to work through your feelings in order to really be there for your teen? Let’s talk…

Free Consultation

May 22, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to take my hindsight and make it your insight

Learning from our experiences so they don’t show up in our lives again is a good idea, right? The same can be said for how we respond when hearing about another family who has encountered a struggle like divorce, addiction, or suicide. Instead of looking for reasons, pointing fingers, making judgments, or spreading rumors, we can choose to use their challenge to incite awareness, potentially making positive changes to our parenting, and/or to open up conversations with our kids, and to lend a hand or say a prayer for the family involved.

How many times do you learn about a family in your community who is in the midst of a major trauma? In the last week alone I heard about a 14-year-old girl who was accidentally run over and killed by a teammate, a 6th grade middle school student who hung himself, another middle schooler who attempted to take her life, and I heard about a bunch of teens caught for popping pills at prom. That’s only the things I heard about…I imagine there were scads more tragedies involving kids in our area, not to mention around the country.

And you know, when we hear these stories about other families, the response tends to be…“Where were the parents?” “Why didn’t the parents know what was going on?!”

I believe [as parents] we do the best we can with what we know, and our life experience has great impact on how we raise our children.

I am going to share some hindsight about a time when my parenting, and our family, struggled. I do this today, in the hopes that my hindsight will be your insight…maybe something I write here will cause you to rethink or respond differently when you hear about another family going through a crisis; or if you happen to the be “that family” today, you will have the courage to ask for guidance.

Let’s start with a very brief summary of my parenting challenge…Nine years ago this month (May, 2008), my eldest son Nick (20) called me from across the country to ask for help. He was failing school, about to lose his job, and he was coming off of an alcohol binge not remembering the last 3 days of his life. For me, this phone call was (almost) totally unexpected and started a series of spiraling events in his/our lives that lasted until May 2010 when he fully decided he wanted to create a life for himself that didn’t include alcohol or drugs.

Walking through the experience with my son, this is what I learned:

Wasting time and energy wondering where I went “wrong” as a parent was not productive. My son needed help, pronto! All of my energy went into reaching out and learning about resources that could help him and our family deal with the circumstances in front of us. I had no idea what addiction was, I had no friends who’d been through it that I could tap into. I read every book I could get my hands on to help educate myself, the Internet (somewhat helpful) was both a blessing and curse while going through this situation. There were indications of a problem before Nick’s call, but no more room for denial on my part.
You cannot change someone else, no matter how desperately you want to do so. We don’t have control over our children’s journeys. The more I tried to control the outcome; the more I realized how futile it was. All I could do was support and encourage my son along the path, never choosing to do something for him that he could do for himself.
When a family member is in crisis…such as addiction, divorce, suicide…it’s a family problem. It’s not something where you can just drop your kid off at the counselor’s office and say “fix him/her, I’ll be back in an hour.” When one member of the family is broken, the family system suffers and working together is the only way to create lasting, positive change.
You have to focus on your family and getting the help you need to become healthier individuals and to grow as a family unit. Blinders must go on when it comes to the looks or comments that might come your way from other people (sometimes well-meaning, sometimes ignorant). Advice from others cannot substitute your best judgment and inner instincts in the course of action you take to channel through the challenge you are in.
Every struggle you face…be it as a parent, a spouse, a human being has the ability to grow you as a person if you choose to make it a vehicle for change in your life. The people I best connect with are those who have known struggle, been vulnerable, and are willing and humble to look within and become stronger as a result of the things they’ve had to face in life.

I can say, with 100% conviction, walking through addiction with my son was a blessing in disguise. It could have turned out much differently, I know no matter what I’d say the same thing. His challenge was the catalyst I needed to learn a great deal about becoming the parent he needed me to be while he was in turmoil. The situation also gave me the opportunity to reevaluate my personal choices/beliefs and how I was parenting, and most of all it gave me the ability to be compassionate and without judgment for others who are facing any sort of personal or parenting challenge.

Our teenagers need us more than ever before. They need us to be open-minded, connected to our own emotional life, and present to their needs as they come up. They face outside influences and pressures we never had to. It doesn’t have to take a tragedy to learn the lessons I have just shared or to take action to make changes in your family life, though there are no shortage of examples we can learn from everyday.

Be the parent you wish to be…what does that mean for you? Maybe you’d like to be more patient, more understanding, more comfortable and connected around the people you brought into the world.

I’m here and would be happy to help you along on your parenting journey! Don’t wait, send me an email right now so we can connect!

May 1, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to approach uncomfortable topics with your adolescent

“I know she’s watching it, I just don’t know how to approach her about my knowing she’s watching it. Not to mention the fact that I don’t have any idea how to discuss the topic of teen suicide with her. My parents never mentioned any of that kind of thing to me. The whole idea scares me. She knows I wouldn’t want her watching the show, even if everyone else she knows is watching it and talking about it during lunch at school and she feels left out.”

This was a FB message I received the other day. Of course in relation to the wildly successful and controversial Netflix series 13 Reasons Why.

Not having uncomfortable conversations with your kids as they move through their adolescence is an option...but it’s not a good one. Ask yourself, would I rather my child learn about topics like date rape, bullying, sex, suicide (and any others that make us want to cringe at the thought of our kids actually hearing about, or god forbid experiencing) from their friends (who may not have accurate information), or on the Internet (again accuracy), or from me?

We don’t live in a time when we can afford to bury our heads and leave sensitive topics to chance with our kids.

So let’s get real.

One step past the idea of having the conversation becomes: HOW?

How do we best address these “big” topics with our kids, and when is the best time to do so?

This is the approach I take as a parent, and the one I suggest to other parents:

GET EDUCATED. Whether it’s a trendy television series your son or daughter wants to watch (or is watching), or a drug that’s gained popularity at the high school, education is power. Things get less scary when you know, so be in the know. Watch the show, or at least read some of the (prevalent) articles on it. Attend the events they have for educating parents at the schools in your community. If there aren’t any at your school, make the suggestion for one on a specific topic to the counselors at your child’s school. You can’t talk to your child with confidence about something you don’t fully understand, right?
BECOME ALIGNED. WHAT ARE YOUR FAMILY’S CORE VALUES? When you are discussing topics that come up throughout adolescence, you have to know where you stand. What are your family’s core truths? What are you okay with, and not okay with? This should never come from a place of “everyone else’s family thinks this; or does that”…your children need to know clearly your thoughts and expectations when it comes to things like drinking, drug use, dating conduct, curfew, what to do if they are feeling overwhelmed, what to do if they have a friend who is struggling.
BE HONEST. When you sit down to have that hard/embarrassing/uncomfortable conversation with your child BE HONEST. Just put it out there first thing…”Hey, I’d really like to talk with you about ___________, and I gotta let you know this makes me a little anxious.” We cannot develop the kind of relationship we want with our kids by acting like things don’t bother us, being disconnected from our own feelings, or by pretending we know it all. Developing the kind of relationship that allows your child to come to you means being human with them. Also knowing when to have the conversation…my favorite places to connect with my kids are when we’re alone in the car, or at bedtime. They just seem to be naturally more open during those situations. That doesn’t mean avoid the conversation until you find the “perfect” moment…it just means be available and ready to dive in when the time feels right.
KNOW YOUR GUT. I am a strong believer in parents listening to their intuition. I think we live in a culture of constant messages and with all of the noise penetrating our world, we fail to understand that it’s our inner guidance that will help us most. Trust yourself. And know kids will make mistakes. Fortunately, most of them are not life threatening.
WORK TOGETHER. Ongoing discussions about tough topics during the adolescent years require more than just back and forth. If it’s something that requires a plan of action; develop it together. Increasingly involving your child in decision making as they advance through their teens is part of helping them become independent adults.

Now, more than ever, our kids need us to be available to connect with. Creating strong, healthy relationships and overcoming difficult conversations with your adolescent is worth setting aside your anxiety about how to approach something. Be in the driver’s seat for supporting your kids through this critical time in their lives.

Just do it.

And, if you want additional help, you know where to find me.

I believe [as parents] we do the best we can with what we know, and our life experience has great impact on how we raise our children.

We don’t live in a time when we can afford to bury our heads and leave sensitive topics to chance with our kids.

Contact Information