Parenting Teens Archives - Page 3 of 7

July 24, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

My sure fire recipe to get teens to take off in the world!

And just like that, he was gone…six weeks in Dublin, Ireland to study abroad. Brigham had never flown outside of the country before, and had only flown by himself once…on a nonstop two hour flight. His college engineering/computer science program required him to take classes in another country (we learned that last year during orientation) and they strongly suggested doing so the summer after freshman year.

Last August when we moved him onto campus, I wasn’t sure how well Brigham would navigate the first year in college (not necessarily academically; he just wasn’t the most social kid throughout high school and that concerned me a little). But, not only did Brigham do well in his classes, he chose to get into a nightly workout routine at the campus gym (even on weekends) and to find then join the club tennis team and travel with them to several tournaments around the state of Texas. Other than the one night his roommate ended up with a horrible case of food poisoning which eventually landed them in the ER, the year was smooth sailing.

So when it was decided he would go to Ireland for classes this summer, it was a natural extension of what he’d grown into and accomplished during the previous school year. Brigham is more than halfway through his 6-week term and we look forward to having him with us again briefly before he returns to Texas Tech for his sophomore year, this time living in an apartment, which will again be another “first.”

I feel strongly he is on a track to successfully “launch”…

My recipe for success around raising adolescents in today’s crazy world begins in earnest during middle school, and then even more progressively through their high school years. It’s at that point I believe our main role as parents is to transition into working with them as their guide. Spending less time and energy on creating rules, and more on giving them choices that allow them to discover who they are and how they want to engage with life. Balancing this approach with some basic boundaries around nutrition, sleep, free/screen time, and personal safety is the key.

For example, our 12 and 14-year-olds (the only ones still under the roof permanently) are in bed by 10 p.m. during the school year. They can read until they get tired if they want to, and electronics are in their designated spots before they hit the sack. Each are expected to get up on their own, make their own breakfast and lunch (with fresh fruit).

In the summertime (because there tends to be so much free time even when they are involved in camps and volunteering) we work together to try and balance real life activities (friends/out for dinner without electronics/hikes/running errands) with screen time (admittedly, this can be challenging). It has been found too much screen time/social media can lead to addiction; I believe it’s our job (as adults with fully functioning frontal lobes) to continue to consistently engage our kids in “real world, face-to-face” life. You can’t walk into a room and tell a kid to “Get off that phone!” and expect it to happen. I know this because I’ve tried it, more than once. There has to be a follow up plan, preferably one you are a part of. “Hey Mia, would you be willing to put the phone down at the end of that video and come help me make spaghetti please?”

“Would you be willing…” a great way to ask anyone for anything, because it isn’t the least bit demanding.

The two of them have a few jobs to do around the house, nothing crazy but things that need to be done consistently (for us it’s part of the community of family and is defined as unpaid “pitching in”). Yes, sometimes it takes more than one request to get the job done, but I don’t get bent out of shape about it, instead I usually playfully ask them to comply (like through sending a funny filter on snap chat or overtly acting exasperated, which makes them laugh).

The more playful I am the easier it is to accomplish. If I were to approach either of them with anger and resentment they might do what I’ve asked, but then become pissy and resentful right back. That’s just not the way I want to live.

On the other hand, we think it’s important that our kids have a lot of say in the opportunities life brings as well…

During the summer, choices include which activities they want to be involved in, aside from what we decide to do as a family (which often gets decided by Tom or I because…given the choice…they would sit on electronics). And though they might start out less than excited about our plans, both come around pretty quickly and make the best of whatever situation we’ve brought them to.

During the school year, they choose the level of their core classes during registration (regular track versus PreAP), anything to do with their school electives, when they do their homework…and they have to be involved in something outside of school, but they chose what it is. One is in band and Taekwondo, the other tennis.

I don’t put “Remind 101” on my phone when the teachers ask. I am not trying to be rebellious, I just think school is my kid’s job. I will look at their grades online from time to time, but haven’t ever put any number/percentage into the system that enables the school to “ping” me if they drop below it. I’ve made it clear I am available and willing to take them to school early for tutoring whenever they need, but it’s up to them to step up and know when that time comes.

Getting a part time job at sixteen is non-negotiable. Where they decide to apply will be up to them. One of our boys played in a lot of tennis tournaments during high school and his schedule was really unpredictable so he took on lawn jobs that could be done in between things. Part of their earnings they can spend; part go into savings for college.

Curfew is midnight during latter high school years, non-negotiable.

We have a no sleepover rule.

You might say, “Wow that all sounds lovely Kim, but my kid won’t do squat unless I yell at him. And as far as observing a curfew, good luck with that!”

I believe the reason this has worked well with our kids is because of the energy and attitude I bring to the relationship. My kids inherently understand I am on their side, working with them, as they learn to navigate this (undeniably confusing, ever changing) stage of their lives. They aren’t scared of me (which I would never want), they work with me because I am flexible (outside of the solid boundaries) in working with them. I respect their individuality, they respect me.

I let them really see who I am. I apologize when it’s needed. I make time to connect with them before bed every night.

And we talk things through when there is a need to.

I want my kids to be able to come to me with tough stuff if they encounter it. Which means I am present and mindful (99% of the time) when they talk about the “little” things.

I believe that the quality of my parent/child relationships begins with the energy I bring into them. I also practice conscious patience and forgiveness when, on occasion, one of them says something I could so easily take personally like: “You aren’t going to wear that to the grocery store are you Mom?!” or “Mom, I’ll walk from here, please don’t pull up!” or the way my daughter makes fun of the way I say “Mom” (to my mom)…she mimics me because it’s so obvious I’m from Wisconsin when I say the word Mom. She was two years old when we moved to Texas, therefore feels she’s exempt from the home state “accent” (I don’t burst her bubble).

Last big thing I’ve learned, and is an important part of the recipe: I understand when one of my kids is emotionally triggering me.

Which leads me back to Brigham and his summer visit to Ireland…

We’ve been snapping back and forth a lot…he’s pretty good about letting us know what he’s doing (not that I have asked him to do this; it’s just part of his nature). The first day after Brigham arrived their group went on the Guinness beer tour. Of course the drinking age is eighteen in Ireland…The snap of the tasting at the end of the tour, along with the one he shared of the flight of whiskey when he went to Jameson a few weeks later almost immediately sent me straight into panic mode. Not to mention those from moments in the dorm in between the touring and some occasional pub excursions. Because of what I experienced with my eldest son several years ago, I am (admittedly) highly sensitive to the idea of Brigham being 4,500 miles away and on tours where alcohol is made and freely served to him (not to mention living within shouting distance of several Irish pubs and in dorms with guys trying to create the Tech emblem with beer cans inside of large windows).

But I ask myself almost immediately when I am feeling triggered, “What’s really going on here?” (to which I answer myself “you are worried he’ll go off the deep end”) then I remind myself that Brigham is not Nick. Nick was in a whole different set of circumstances and they are totally different people. Brigham has historically made solid choices for himself. And it’s totally natural that he would visit these places and try things out. Chillax Kim!

And then I move on.

That’s maybe a bit of an extreme example, but should illustrate the point I’m looking to make which is…our kids words and behavior (and sometimes snaps) will trigger emotion inside of us; it is up to us to process what’s underneath the surface reaction and not to project our feelings onto them, because when we react that way it will make whatever situation that’s arisen even worse.

This is my recipe for raising kids that will “take off”…get clear on boundaries around the basics (be consistent), give them choices whenever you can, let them make mistakes so they can learn to be resilient, never, ever judge, take good care of yourself so you can be fully present when you are with them. Above all else…they have to feel you sincerely love and accept them for exactly who they are!

What are some of your best parenting secrets when it comes to raising teens today? I’d love to know! Shoot me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com or reply below!

June 27, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

My daughter crossed the line and lost our trust

To say it’s a challenge to raise teens during this age of daily digital use may be an understatement. How much time should our kids be in front of a screen? Should they have this or that app? How do I set up rules and boundaries for social media use? How do we teach them kind online behavior? One version or another of these questions come up in almost every conversation I have with parents. Many moms and dads are frustrated, and sometimes even overwhelmed (especially during the many free hours the summer months bring) regarding their kids and iPhones.

I would be lying if I said screen time/iPhone use wasn’t an issue in our home, with our two youngest, on occasion as well. So, I’m with you; I get it.

Last week I had a mom reach out to me to share a quandary I believe many parents can relate to; so I thought I would turn it into a blog post (with her permission of course), with the idea of sharing what may be a slightly different perspective on the topic.

Here are the nuts & bolts of this mom’s dilemma:

Mary* shared with me her 14-year-old daughter Eliza* has become “sneaky” with regard to social media and phone use. Mary learned her daughter was in a relationship with a boy (because Mary’s older daughter alerted her to this fact). Since that time, Mary has seen a few of her daughter’s texts and social media posts that have included references of Eliza’s being grateful for his holding her hand and loving her when she doesn’t feel loved by her own family. Mary is both truly surprised and hurt by this comment, Eliza has never led on to any of this with her mom. Mary admits she is really struggling with how to handle Eliza’s comment and the relationship with the boy; she feels she cannot trust Eliza after learning these things. Mary did put together a phone contract for her daughter when she got the phone; but it never got signed by Eliza. Mary adds that her older daughters are responsible, kind, and honest, she doesn’t know where this is coming from in her youngest, Eliza. Mary’s immediate response was to take Eliza’s phone away as a consequence because she is not okay with Eliza’s (a) having a boyfriend, (b) being dishonest about having a boyfriend, (c) general sneakiness with phone use. Bottom line, Mary feels Eliza needs to be reined in.

* names have been changed, of course*

Gulp. That’s a lot to chew on and digest…but I know so many parents will relate to Mary’s story because similar scenarios happen everyday, right?!

Let’s pull this apart a little bit…

First…there is a lack of communication between parent and child regarding dating. Maybe it was never really discussed yet because Mary didn’t think Eliza was even interested in boys at 14. Maybe, and understandably, dating and sexuality is a touchy topic for this mom to talk about with her kids (can’t say I don’t relate to this…). Another area where there was a breakdown in communication is the use of the phone. Likely it just became part of daily life, like it does for many families, with the best of intentions for establishing and executing the phone contract. It was drawn up, probably talked about, but not executed. We can also recognize this situation could have happened even if there was a signed contract in place. Because even the most “on-top-of-it” parents miss things.

Second, Mary is thrown for a loop by her daughter’s (a) dating a boy and then (b) announcing to this boy that she feels more connected to him than she does to her family (fair statement or not; this is apparently Eliza’s perception). Mary feels her daughter has always been treated with love and respect, given lots of attention and gifts. There is a disconnect between what Mary feels is going on in the family and Eliza’s view of her life.

Third, and I believe most important…is the emotional reaction this whole situation is bringing up inside of Mary. On the surface she’s taken off guard, beneath that she may be feeling insecure about what she thought/felt was a trustworthy relationship with her youngest daughter, and she’s worried about her daughter’s (potentially) over emotional investment in a teenage boy. In addition, since Eliza is not behaving as her older sisters have (or, are), Mary is unsure how to navigate the challenges she sees now, and possibly what might develop between Mary and her daughter in the future.

I would like to ask Mary to take a step back, take a deep breath, and to process her feelings BEFORE she responds to Eliza and the situation she recently learned about.

Our children’s (teenagers) behavior is an attempt to get one of their six core needs met. Those core needs include attention, appreciation, autonomy, affection, acceptance, or connection. When we reframe parenting to include this concept, we have a better understanding that our emotional response to a situation that arises with our son or daughter has more to do with our (or, in this case, MARY’s) emotions than it does about what a teen (Eliza) is doing. In other words, Eliza’s behavior(s) are triggering an emotional reaction in Mary.

Our teens behavior can be our greatest trigger. Agreed?

Some questions…

As the parent, when you respond to the situation (be it dating, the phone use, or the hurtful comment about your family) ask yourself…do I want to come from a place of fear, or a place of love (in other words; do I want to connect or disconnect with my teen over this)? If you unconsciously come from fear (worry/anxiety) the overall tone and energy of the conversation will present itself, in your teens eyes, as control. This could open up, or escalate a power struggle…not what we want to have happen with our teenager. The older they get, the more we’ll want to approach them from a place of support; putting into play boundaries that give them guidance, but giving them choices as often as possible so they can tap into their own path/voice, which includes allowing them to learn [at times] by faltering in the process.
Next, take the time to solidify what your family values are around dating. Just because the relationship has already started does not mean you should panic or throw your hands up and say “what’s done is done”. If you are co-parenting, talk it through together and come up with boundaries you can be on the same page about. A lot of parental anxiety creeps in when we remember our own experiences around dating and bring those fears/anxieties into the parent/child relationship assuming our kids might make the same choices or “mistakes” we did. It’s true; they could. But, your child is not you. Dating is an important part of adolescence and one you (mom/dad) need to be clear on, in your own mind, when talking with your teen about what that looks like for her at age 14.
Same process for phone use. All of us (parents) are a little freaked out at times about the potential for social media disasters or iPhone texting. We’ve all heard stories about predators, hidden apps, boys blackmailing girls into doing things they don’t want to do and getting pictures of it, the potential for something being posted that would ruin the college/professional/social future of your child. I completely understand and there is no doubt bad/unfair things happen. At the same time, mom/dad establishing the boundaries they are going to consistently hold around social media and phone use…and then approaching your teen with a heart that speaks that you have your child’s back; not that you are wanting to control your child, will make a big difference.

Mary loves Eliza, there is no question…which is why she is troubled by the situation. And the first step is for Mary to become clear in her own mind and then have an honest, open conversation with Eliza about the boyfriend, about social media and phone use. I believe the comment Eliza made about his (the boyfriend) being there and loving her when her family doesn’t can be released; except for Mary to consider it may have been a momentary reaction to something that went on earlier in Eliza’s day. But it may also be an opportunity for Mary to talk with Eliza about how much (intentional? or more likely, inadvertent?) emotional pressure Eliza may be placing on this boy and the relationship. This is a chance for Mary to empower Eliza around building self-reliance and strengthening the emotional connection within herself so as not to feel the need to receive too much assurance from a budding teen romance.

Have a parenting dilemma you’d like picked apart? I’d love to help. Send me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

June 12, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Be grateful for the struggle with your teen

It’s inevitable, and a necessary part of their growing up; our children gradually evolve into young people who form their own thoughts/opinions/experiences and paths. But that doesn’t mean as their parent it isn’t hard to hear, understand, or bare witness to it at times, right?

A chance exchange with an acquaintance last week at Target reminded me why it’s “in the struggle” we have the greatest opportunity to grow as people…and as parents.

Dad’s nightmare began one recent evening with an unexpected phone call from the local police letting him know his teen daughter had been caught drinking while at the home of a friend of hers…there was a lot of noise and kids running about the neighborhood, so a neighbor called…maybe you too have experienced this, or you know someone who has?

Dad admitted to me that he was struggling most with the embarrassment he was feeling around being called by the police. He could not understand why his “level-headed” daughter had made the choice to go to the friend’s house (knowing the parents were out of town) to drink alcohol (knowing they’d talked about it and…he thought…agreed that she wasn’t going to drink during high school). On top of that, he was appalled she was super “nonchalant” about the whole thing when he did go and pick her up. She told him he was overreacting.

“I have no idea how to handle my anger and disappointment, not to mention my embarrassment about this!”

I asked him if he thought he was overreacting, like his daughter had suggested…

After thinking about it for a moment he said, “Maybe. But I’m scared, now that she’s made this choice once, it could easily happen again…and what if she turns into a party girl who isn’t able to pull it together enough to get through high school and into college. She’s got so much potential!”

His thoughts/feelings, while valid, aren’t helpful. Because he’s operating out of fear. The most productive attitude dad can take is to pause and be present.

The adolescent brain is a funny organ. During these years our kids are going through all sorts of hormonal and brain change which often leads to social and emotional change/choices we [moms and dads] just do not see coming. And because these wonderful kids are also more inclined to take risks while in the company of their peers, we’ve got to understand that our main role during this stage of their lives is to find a balance between allowing them to participate in social activities while also being aware of the potential for their choosing to do or say something we “know” in a million years they’d never do otherwise. And JUST AS IMPORTANT, we have to model the behavior we want to see in them.

You can’t say “don’t drink and drive” and then…drink and drive yourself.

Will not work. They see, hear, understand, internalize much more than we give them credit for…long before the teen years. But especially during this life stage.

A changing brain is not a teen’s licence to behave and then be excused from whatever choices they make during adolescence (which, remember, is now defined as ages 10-25), BUT it’s something we have to take into consideration as we work through an event (such as a drinking party) in moving forward with our teen.

I suggested dad process his anger, frustration, disappointment before sitting down with his daughter to talk about the party and her choices so that he would be present to her thoughts, feelings, feedback (instead of reacting from anger/frustraton/fear). Then, together, with his wisdom at the helm, they could come up with a healthy compromise around her socializing the rest of the summer.

Number one thing we’ve got to create as parents of adolescents is a true sense of energy around working WITH our kids; guiding them by being present of mind, and not fully influenced by our own angry/frustrated reaction. Our kids need us to work WITH them; not control and parent OVER them…especially as they reach the upper high school and young adult years.

Want to learn more about how to work through your feelings in order to really be there for your teen? Let’s talk…

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May 22, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to take my hindsight and make it your insight

Learning from our experiences so they don’t show up in our lives again is a good idea, right? The same can be said for how we respond when hearing about another family who has encountered a struggle like divorce, addiction, or suicide. Instead of looking for reasons, pointing fingers, making judgments, or spreading rumors, we can choose to use their challenge to incite awareness, potentially making positive changes to our parenting, and/or to open up conversations with our kids, and to lend a hand or say a prayer for the family involved.

How many times do you learn about a family in your community who is in the midst of a major trauma? In the last week alone I heard about a 14-year-old girl who was accidentally run over and killed by a teammate, a 6th grade middle school student who hung himself, another middle schooler who attempted to take her life, and I heard about a bunch of teens caught for popping pills at prom. That’s only the things I heard about…I imagine there were scads more tragedies involving kids in our area, not to mention around the country.

And you know, when we hear these stories about other families, the response tends to be…“Where were the parents?” “Why didn’t the parents know what was going on?!”

I believe [as parents] we do the best we can with what we know, and our life experience has great impact on how we raise our children.

I am going to share some hindsight about a time when my parenting, and our family, struggled. I do this today, in the hopes that my hindsight will be your insight…maybe something I write here will cause you to rethink or respond differently when you hear about another family going through a crisis; or if you happen to the be “that family” today, you will have the courage to ask for guidance.

Let’s start with a very brief summary of my parenting challenge…Nine years ago this month (May, 2008), my eldest son Nick (20) called me from across the country to ask for help. He was failing school, about to lose his job, and he was coming off of an alcohol binge not remembering the last 3 days of his life. For me, this phone call was (almost) totally unexpected and started a series of spiraling events in his/our lives that lasted until May 2010 when he fully decided he wanted to create a life for himself that didn’t include alcohol or drugs.

Walking through the experience with my son, this is what I learned:

Wasting time and energy wondering where I went “wrong” as a parent was not productive. My son needed help, pronto! All of my energy went into reaching out and learning about resources that could help him and our family deal with the circumstances in front of us. I had no idea what addiction was, I had no friends who’d been through it that I could tap into. I read every book I could get my hands on to help educate myself, the Internet (somewhat helpful) was both a blessing and curse while going through this situation. There were indications of a problem before Nick’s call, but no more room for denial on my part.
You cannot change someone else, no matter how desperately you want to do so. We don’t have control over our children’s journeys. The more I tried to control the outcome; the more I realized how futile it was. All I could do was support and encourage my son along the path, never choosing to do something for him that he could do for himself.
When a family member is in crisis…such as addiction, divorce, suicide…it’s a family problem. It’s not something where you can just drop your kid off at the counselor’s office and say “fix him/her, I’ll be back in an hour.” When one member of the family is broken, the family system suffers and working together is the only way to create lasting, positive change.
You have to focus on your family and getting the help you need to become healthier individuals and to grow as a family unit. Blinders must go on when it comes to the looks or comments that might come your way from other people (sometimes well-meaning, sometimes ignorant). Advice from others cannot substitute your best judgment and inner instincts in the course of action you take to channel through the challenge you are in.
Every struggle you face…be it as a parent, a spouse, a human being has the ability to grow you as a person if you choose to make it a vehicle for change in your life. The people I best connect with are those who have known struggle, been vulnerable, and are willing and humble to look within and become stronger as a result of the things they’ve had to face in life.

I can say, with 100% conviction, walking through addiction with my son was a blessing in disguise. It could have turned out much differently, I know no matter what I’d say the same thing. His challenge was the catalyst I needed to learn a great deal about becoming the parent he needed me to be while he was in turmoil. The situation also gave me the opportunity to reevaluate my personal choices/beliefs and how I was parenting, and most of all it gave me the ability to be compassionate and without judgment for others who are facing any sort of personal or parenting challenge.

Our teenagers need us more than ever before. They need us to be open-minded, connected to our own emotional life, and present to their needs as they come up. They face outside influences and pressures we never had to. It doesn’t have to take a tragedy to learn the lessons I have just shared or to take action to make changes in your family life, though there are no shortage of examples we can learn from everyday.

Be the parent you wish to be…what does that mean for you? Maybe you’d like to be more patient, more understanding, more comfortable and connected around the people you brought into the world.

I’m here and would be happy to help you along on your parenting journey! Don’t wait, send me an email right now so we can connect!

You might say, “Wow that all sounds lovely Kim, but my kid won’t do squat unless I yell at him. And as far as observing a curfew, good luck with that!”

And then I move on.

I believe [as parents] we do the best we can with what we know, and our life experience has great impact on how we raise our children.

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