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February 1, 2021 by Kim Leave a Comment

Parenting: The Best “How to Grow Yourself Up” experience ever!

Carrie* walks into her daughter’s bedroom to wake her up for school because once again she’s slept through her alarm. Trying to sound cheerful, she gently rubs her sixteen-year-old’s arm and says, “Bridget,* it’s time to get moving honey.” Immediately Bridget begins to bark her usual response, “God Mom, why do you have to wake me up like that I HATE it when you touch me! Leave me alone!” Carrie’s body goes stiff, the back of her neck begins to tingle…this is what she expected, but not what she wanted to start her day with again. Triggered, she retorts in a condescending tone, “Well Bridget, if you were a little more responsible you’d be able to get yourself up and moving without my having to come in here every damn day!”

You may initially want to slap me for saying this but…Nobody tells you how much motherhood will be the best way to grow yourself up. No one talks about what you can really learn in the years between your child’s arrival and their launch.

And, nobody (before me, before today) shares the true secret to motherhood: raising human beings is our greatest opportunity to identify and work through the limiting beliefs we unconsciously took on as children.

And these beliefs will be triggered at any given moment by our kid’s behavior.

Say what?!?!?!?!

What the hell is a limiting belief?

When you were a child you picked up subtle cues from your parents, grandparents, siblings, teachers (all of the important people in your world) about how to act and what you should say in order to feel their love. Even if they said they loved you unconditionally. Most of us spent a lot of our childhood performing to get our parent’s love and acceptance.

At our core, we do not want to be abandoned by the people we love the most. And every human born comes into the world with six basic emotional needs. We work hard to get those met through our words and behavior. What are our basic emotional needs? They are acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and what Dr. Brené Brown says we’re all wired for…connection.

Every one of us has limiting beliefs. Even if you had the most woke, present, emotionally intelligent parents! The question is whether or not you are aware of them and then, taking it another step, if you decide to do anything about shifting the ones that are triggering you.

What’s a trigger?

An emotional trigger is anything — including memories, experiences, or events — that spark an intense emotional reaction, regardless of your current mood.

Many moms know they are being triggered by the people they love the most, but they don’t ever take the time or invest the energy to question and then to create new, more accurate beliefs to better serve themselves and their kids. 

The women I work with have found the courage to look at the beliefs they hold about themselves because they know those beliefs are blocking their full potential and they’re tired of it; they want more from their lives.

As Carrie and I worked together she was able to understand her value as a person and become less reactive to Bridget. When that happened (by becoming the calm in Bridget’s storm) her daughter learned how to regulate her emotions as well.

*These are not their real names.

What do limiting beliefs look and feel like in parenting?

Some typical triggers: feeling disrespected when your son doesn’t obey curfew (tripping the deeper need in you to feel seen/heard/accepted). Becoming deeply hurt when your daughter rolls her eyes at you for the first time (on the surface you may feel or say you’re annoyed but below the surface is your desire for appreciation and connection).

Think about the frustration coursing through your body every time the door to their room slams because you’ve doled out another rule in an effort to protect your teenager…if not from others, then certainly from themselves. That anxiety is a surface reaction to a deeper trigger of [as a parent] you are not enough or the job you’re doing as a parent is not good enough.

Evading curfew, the eye rolls, wearing a revealing tube top, door slamming, and dying one’s hair blue are examples of our teenager’s attempts to individuate and build autonomy (it could also very well be a way to seek attention or affection). As the parent, this behavior is an assault on our desire to feel seen and heard. We equate the way our kids show up in the world as a direct reflection of how good a parent we are, in other words, how valuable we are as a human being.

Our deep need to be seen and heard comes from not having had enough of that experience as a child. Let’s face it, even if our parents doted on us they didn’t get it right 100% of the time. I know my parents didn’t. They did the best they could with what they knew and based on their own growing up experience. This is why we react now by feeling angry, disappointed, and/or disrespected when our kids trigger us.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

So, how can you stop getting triggered by your kid’s behavior?

Personally join me for my 8-week online course Becoming Me While Raising You, A Mother’s Journey to Self. Together, in a small group of women (think handful) we will uncover your limiting beliefs and shift them into healthier ones! We’ll also look at consistent boundary setting, building trust with your teen, creating open communication at home, how to know when to lean in and fix something in your teen’s life and when to let the natural consequences of their choices teach them.

We meet on Zoom either Tuesday mornings (10 a.m. CST) or Thursday evenings (7:30 p.m. CST). Eight weeks to new beliefs, confident parenting skills, sharper intuition, and a more peaceful home life. I’ll be right there to guide you every step of the way. Text me at 972-689-0250 or sign up through the link above to grab your spot. This is an ongoing enrollment so any week you want to begin you can, you just have to commit for 8 straight weeks.

 

 

Filed Under: Kim's Journey, Parenting Teens, Parenting Today, Personal Development, Personal Growth Tagged With: conscious parenting, how to, limiting beliefs, parenting, parenting teens, personal development, personal growith, self reflection, teenagers

April 25, 2019 by Kim Muench 2 Comments

Why your anxious teen needs you to work on YOU!

 Photo Credit: Lisa Fotios Photo Credit: Lisa Fotios

Mom

Mom…

Ma

Ma

Ma!

Mom?

Mom??

MOM!!!!!

Momma

That’s the abbreviated version of what I find on my phone when my 14-year-old daughter is away from me and becomes filled with anxiety. I may only have walked away from my phone for a few minutes but come back to 30-40 messages from her looking for me. It doesn’t happen everyday, but when it does happen and I’m not immediately available, my daughter’s anxiety can turn into panic.

If she gets to Momma I know she’s in a panic mode.

Teen anxiety is on the rise. We think they should be chill and enjoy this time in their lives but the truth is they live in a world ripe with academic stress, demanding extra-curricular activities, college pressure that begins in middle school, puberty, friend drama, budding sexuality… let’s face it, our kids are bearing the weight of a culture we’ve helped create.

Many are experiencing a level of stress that we didn’t encounter until much later in life.

If I get Mia’s texts within the first few times that she reaches out, our general back and forth consists of what ache or pain she’s having in the moment (stomachache, headache, throat pain, dizziness…she’ll say her wrist hurts, even when she hasn’t had tennis practice in a week and there is no obvious reason she would be feeling pain in that area). I will then ask how long it’s been happening/on a scale of 1-10 how much pain is she in/does she think going to the nurse’s office to meditate might help? After a few back and forth texts she moves on with her day and I don’t hear from her again. Once and awhile she does leave class to go to the nurse but then returns to class when ready.

In part, I think her reaching out to me is a way for her to feel heard and validated.

If I don’t catch it in the first few times she texts me…well, let’s just say I’ve picked her up from school more than once this year.

I try to be there for her, but I can’t always be there for her…and ultimately she needs to learn how to best support herself when she is feeling anxious. It’s in our greatest challenges that we practice the coping skills we’ve learned and when we build resiliency for life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Mia’s anxiety began (at least from my observation) in third grade. Sometimes she goes months without any episodes, other times it’s a daily struggle for her. I’ve tried to pinpoint an event, a circumstance, any kind of reason for this…I used to drive myself nuts trying to figure it out. Though I have some suspicions, I don’t have a concrete answer…when asked why she’s anxious Mia often says, “I don’t know why I feel this way.” And I believe she’s telling the truth; often she truly doesn’t know why she’s anxious.

Realizing it was a waste of my mental energy to focus on the why, because whether I had a reason or not it was likely still going to happen, I released the need to know and decided helping her find ways to cope with it was the best way I could support Mia.

So, I have investigated everything from meditation to yoga, CBD oil and energy healing to hypnosis, I’ve continued to educate myself on the symptoms and history of anxiety and depression in our families of origin, I have listened to and read the reports of leading experts who study this subject in teens. I discuss what I learn along the way with Mia and give her the ability to try things so she can see what helps her. Everyone is different; what works for me when I am anxious won’t necessarily be the best (or right) answer for her.

And some anxiety in life is (a) healthy and (b) unavoidable.

Over time Mia has gotten to a place where she meditates (using the Calm app on her phone) before school every morning. I don’t remind her, it’s built into the morning routine she’s created for herself. And, when she goes to bed at night, she spends time writing in her journal.

Mia takes her journal to her biweekly counseling sessions. I am grateful there is another adult in her life she trusts with her innermost thoughts.

These are the coping skills that are helping my daughter deal with what can sometimes be debilitating anxiety.

But there’s one more thing I believe Mia has going for her when it comes to dealing with this challenge…

The one thing I believe helps my daughter most with her ongoing anxiety is having a grounded mother.

What do I mean by that??

I mean that we are our children’s emotional compasses.

Mia has a mom who is doing her own work so that she is emotionally available and attuned to the moods and needs of her kids. I am not afraid to use my voice when my intuition tells me something doesn’t feel right. And I can tap into my intuition because I’m in tune with it. We all have inner wisdom, especially when it comes to raising our children, it’s a matter of learning how to get quiet and pay attention.

I have learned to trust myself and I model this for Mia.

It took me years to trust my gut and to find my own voice; I don’t want Mia to have to go through the same thing. She is given permission to advocate for herself in all areas of her life, including (and especially) where she needs emotional support.

I take the time to listen to the nuances of Mia’s (and the rest of my kids’) challenges and then educate myself to help them navigate the circumstances they are in. I share what I’ve discovered and offer the opportunity to try different methods in order to help whatever the situation they face.

It also helps that I keep my self-care a top priority…physically (daily exercise and rest), spiritually (I practice meditation), and of course emotionally (making sure what goes in…from social media to books to movies to friendships)…feeds my soul.

This is what it means to guide your unique children through their upbringing.

My personal growth work started in earnest more than a decade ago when I learned my oldest son was suffering from an addiction to alcohol. I have learned and experienced that our children show us through their words and behavior where we need to grow.

If you’ve got a kiddo who is experiencing anxiety, or any other behavior or mental health challenge, it is beneficial to look within yourself to explore where you might be contributing to the issue they are having.

This isn’t about placing blame on the parent, yet because most of us were raised with the dominant parenting approach we often have a very difficult time looking within ourselves to make the connections needed to get our children the help they need.

This is about continuing to acknowledge and processing our own natural human emotions, stress releasing skills, and self-care in order to be available to those we love the most.

There was a time when Mia’s counselor suggested medication. I flat out refused to consider it until any and all other options were exhausted.

At this time I believe Mia feels she’s in a routine that, 99% of the time, works for her to manage the anxiety in her life.

I know she’ll let me know if that changes because she understands we’re in this together!

Your emotional health plays a critical role in how your children regulate their emotions and tackle life’s inevitable ups and downs. If you are struggling in your home and family life, please reach out to myself of another helping professional to begin the journey to a healthier, happier, more functional life.

Filed Under: Parenting Blog, Parenting Teens, Parenting Today Tagged With: Kim Muench, parenting tips, teen anxiety

January 1, 2019 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Why 2019 is the year to invest in family life!

 Photo credit: Suzy Hazelwood
Photo credit: Suzy Hazelwood

Every year it’s the same thing…resolve to lose weight, promise to slow down and “balance” your work and home life, stop overspending, quit drinking…same statements, new year.

Mom, what if you did something really meaningful in 2019 and actually made yourself a priority by taking time once a week to strengthen the relationship to yourself? Do you know how you would benefit (aside from some sanity)? In the process of taking care of you Mom, you would create healthier, happier relationships with your family.

I kid you not!

I’m not talking about a gym membership or starting Camp Gladiator, slugging some super amazing pink drink or buying a bunch of essential oils (all great things by the way), I am talking about taking 1-2 hours a week to develop the most important relationship in your life…the one with yourself!

You remember you, right?!

No matter what age the kids are, most moms I know are mentally, emotionally and physically overwhelmed by the daily grind of motherhood because we are born givers, but the last person we think about giving anything to is ourselves!

If you want to do something different this year than make yourself a priority and invest in a service that will help you become the best Mom you can be.

Listen to this short video…

Now, I am not going to tell you that hiring a parent guide is a one-step miracle cure. This is work for women dedicated to rebuilding the concept of putting their needs above others and becoming filled-up so they have the ability to not only meet, but exceed, the needs of their family.

How do I know it works? Because I have been doing this work myself for over a decade and I have been helping other moms practice the kind of self-care that benefits their families now and will reap benefits they don’t even understand when (if) their kids have children and they can both model and support their kids in raising their grandchildren.

I’d love the opportunity to talk with you more about my programs, don’t let another year go by where everyone else’s needs and wants come before yours Mom. Text me at 972-689-0250 to set up a free consultation this week.

Filed Under: Parenting Blog, Parenting Today, Personal Development Tagged With: 2019 resolutions, family life, investing in family, new years resolutions, parenting performance, parenting tips

November 27, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

What does it mean to be the best parent for your kids?

 Photo Credit: Suzy Hazelwood
Photo Credit: Suzy Hazelwood

I have been talking about conscious parenting both publicly and within my family conversations for the past several years. I believe I have always practiced being a conscious parent, but I first understood the term itself and felt it aligned with the way I was parenting our five kids after reading The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary in 2014.

I have been curious about what my parenting has meant to the adult children in my life, so while the oldest three boys were home for Thanksgiving weekend I decided I wanted to ask each of them some questions about their perception and experience around the way they were parented. There is value in understanding my adult children’s point of view of my parenting practice as I continue through the teen years with Mia (13) and Maddux (15). I know I will continue to talk with them and other young adults as I begin writing a book on the practice of parenting with intention.

The videos of each interview range from 5-10 minutes in length. Truth be told, I could have talked with Nick, Allen-Michael, and Brigham much longer because I had more questions, but they’d all been so kind as to immediately agree to be videotaped with me that I didn’t want to push it.

Under each video are additional comments and reflection about the content.

A little background about my relationship with Nick (for those who may not be aware)…he came into my life just shy of my 19th birthday, shortly after I finished my freshman year in college. I had a very upper-middle-class upbringing and getting pregnant forced me to grow up really quickly. When I made the decision to raise Nick, I was asked to leave my family home. I lived on welfare until I could afford to make ends meet with full-time secretarial work, my mom taking care of Nick so I could do that, and support from Nick’s dad.

His dad and I stayed together for the first few years of Nick’s life, but our relationship was very unhealthy and it eventually ended. This forced Nick to go between two very different households for the remainder of his childhood. While I believe Nick’s dad loved him very much, he was fighting a personal battle that often led to abuse of our son. Nick hid this well, and though I cannot go back and change anything about his experience, I value Nick’s honesty in telling me that I could have tried harder to get him to share more about his weekly visits with his dad. In hindsight I recognize it always took 2-3 days for Nick to readjust to being home with us, and to this day I don’t know the extent of what he experienced physically or mentally while in his dad’s care. His dad passed away in 2010 at the age of forty-two and Nick has done a lot of self-work to move forward past his childhood experience and use of alcohol to self-medicate. Though I didn’t know how difficult his teen years were, I do know I often bragged to my friends about how close I felt our relationship was. We have always been close. In many ways we grew up together. Today Nick is sober, married, and happy in the life he and his wife have built together. Nick and I have a very open, easy-going relationship that I treasure.

Allen-Michael and I have enjoyed many deep conversations in his adulthood. At twenty-five his faith (which has actively developed over the past decade) has led him to travel both the country and the world sharing his love of God and Catholicism with hundreds of young people. He is now in his first year of seminary. It’s interesting because at a time when his faith-life was growing in one direction (in the tradition we…admittedly inconsistently…imparted on him during his childhood), mine has taken a complete shift into a deeper belief and development in a spiritual relationship with God that has nothing to do with religion or church practices. The beautiful thing about this is that we both choose to focus on what we agree on (God exists/there is something larger than ourselves going on/we are an extension of God called upon to serve others) rather than the beliefs we don’t share. While (to be brutally honest) I may not have chosen this path for him, it is not about me. The calling he is following is a good example of releasing our need to have control over our children and their outcomes. The kids who came through me will live out their greatest purpose to the best of their ability and my primary role is to appreciate and support them in that endeavor. I know that if Allen-Michael continues through seminary he will one day make a faithful father to many people. It’s a gift to watch him continue to unfold into a gentle yet strong young man.

Brigham (20, a junior in college) has blessed me and our family so often with his free-spirit…he was the most hesitant to answer my questions without knowing what they were first. Brigham has always wanted to know as much as possible before things happen. This phase of parenting, during the college years, can be be most challenging (based on my perspective having parented for three decades through all phases). It’s really a time when what you’ve worked to model and instill comes through in your child’s actions. Brigham works diligently at everything he does, but at the same time, he’s also very go-with-the flow. There are a lot of moments when anxiety about a choice he might make could hamper our relationship if I chose to defer to fear (breeding disconnection between he and I) instead of holding space for any choice he makes because I understand I am not in control of, responsible for, nor do I want to get in the way of his learning for himself the lessons life is willing to teach him.

It is in our greatest challenges that we grow as human beings.

I believe, and have been outspoken about in many ways over the past few years, raising children is our greatest calling and it needs to evolve from one where the emphasis is on teaching and controlling kids to a place where our role is to guide them by learning who it is they are as we parent WITH them. Putting structure and boundaries in place while giving them lots of choices to discover who they are. I believe a mutually respectful friendship is the end goal when they are independent adults. When and if my kids decide to have children of their own, I’d like them to want me to be a part of their kids lives, not out of obligation but because they love and respect the person I have been throughout their lives.

Parenting is about growing you while raising them (hmmm…sounds like the title of a book…), for me this includes choosing to start and stay involved in conversations that may be difficult in order to develop better connections with my kids, it means making my own physical/emotional/spiritual life a priority so I can be emotionally present for others, and it means speaking out and getting involved in the world wherever I can to bring awareness to the importance of parenting with intention.

If I can be of service to you in navigating the parent/child relationship(s) in your life, please email me through this site or text me at 972-689-0250.

Filed Under: Parenting Blog, Parenting Today, Personal Development Tagged With: conscious parenting, Dr. Shefali, parenting adults, personal development, The Conscious Parent

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Kim Muench



(972) 689-0250
realifeparentguide@gmail.com

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realifeparentguide@gmail.com
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