January 1, 2019 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Why 2019 is the year to invest in family life!

Every year it’s the same thing…resolve to lose weight, promise to slow down and “balance” your work and home life, stop overspending, quit drinking…same statements, new year.

Mom, what if you did something really meaningful in 2019 and actually made yourself a priority by taking time once a week to strengthen the relationship to yourself? Do you know how you would benefit (aside from some sanity)? In the process of taking care of you Mom, you would create healthier, happier relationships with your family.

I kid you not!

I’m not talking about a gym membership or starting Camp Gladiator, slugging some super amazing pink drink or buying a bunch of essential oils (all great things by the way), I am talking about taking 1-2 hours a week to develop the most important relationship in your life…the one with yourself!

You remember you, right?!

No matter what age the kids are, most moms I know are mentally, emotionally and physically overwhelmed by the daily grind of motherhood because we are born givers, but the last person we think about giving anything to is ourselves!

If you want to do something different this year than make yourself a priority and invest in a service that will help you become the best Mom you can be.

Listen to this short video…

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Now, I am not going to tell you that hiring a parent guide is a one-step miracle cure. This is work for women dedicated to rebuilding the concept of putting their needs above others and becoming filled-up so they have the ability to not only meet, but exceed, the needs of their family.

How do I know it works? Because I have been doing this work myself for over a decade and I have been helping other moms practice the kind of self-care that benefits their families now and will reap benefits they don’t even understand when (if) their kids have children and they can both model and support their kids in raising their grandchildren.

I’d love the opportunity to talk with you more about my programs, don’t let another year go by where everyone else’s needs and wants come before yours Mom. Text me at 972-689-0250 to set up a free consultation this week.

November 27, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

What does it mean to be the best parent for your kids?

I have been talking about conscious parenting both publicly and within my family conversations for the past several years. I believe I have always practiced being a conscious parent, but I first understood the term itself and felt it aligned with the way I was parenting our five kids after reading The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary in 2014.

I have been curious about what my parenting has meant to the adult children in my life, so while the oldest three boys were home for Thanksgiving weekend I decided I wanted to ask each of them some questions about their perception and experience around the way they were parented. There is value in understanding my adult children’s point of view of my parenting practice as I continue through the teen years with Mia (13) and Maddux (15). I know I will continue to talk with them and other young adults as I begin writing a book on the practice of parenting with intention.

The videos of each interview range from 5-10 minutes in length. Truth be told, I could have talked with Nick, Allen-Michael, and Brigham much longer because I had more questions, but they’d all been so kind as to immediately agree to be videotaped with me that I didn’t want to push it.

Under each video are additional comments and reflection about the content.

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A little background about my relationship with Nick (for those who may not be aware)…he came into my life just shy of my 19th birthday, shortly after I finished my freshman year in college. I had a very upper-middle-class upbringing and getting pregnant forced me to grow up really quickly. When I made the decision to raise Nick, I was asked to leave my family home. I lived on welfare until I could afford to make ends meet with full-time secretarial work, my mom taking care of Nick so I could do that, and support from Nick’s dad.

His dad and I stayed together for the first few years of Nick’s life, but our relationship was very unhealthy and it eventually ended. This forced Nick to go between two very different households for the remainder of his childhood. While I believe Nick’s dad loved him very much, he was fighting a personal battle that often led to abuse of our son. Nick hid this well, and though I cannot go back and change anything about his experience, I value Nick’s honesty in telling me that I could have tried harder to get him to share more about his weekly visits with his dad. In hindsight I recognize it always took 2-3 days for Nick to readjust to being home with us, and to this day I don’t know the extent of what he experienced physically or mentally while in his dad’s care. His dad passed away in 2010 at the age of forty-two and Nick has done a lot of self-work to move forward past his childhood experience and use of alcohol to self-medicate. Though I didn’t know how difficult his teen years were, I do know I often bragged to my friends about how close I felt our relationship was. We have always been close. In many ways we grew up together. Today Nick is sober, married, and happy in the life he and his wife have built together. Nick and I have a very open, easy-going relationship that I treasure.

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Allen-Michael and I have enjoyed many deep conversations in his adulthood. At twenty-five his faith (which has actively developed over the past decade) has led him to travel both the country and the world sharing his love of God and Catholicism with hundreds of young people. He is now in his first year of seminary. It’s interesting because at a time when his faith-life was growing in one direction (in the tradition we…admittedly inconsistently…imparted on him during his childhood), mine has taken a complete shift into a deeper belief and development in a spiritual relationship with God that has nothing to do with religion or church practices. The beautiful thing about this is that we both choose to focus on what we agree on (God exists/there is something larger than ourselves going on/we are an extension of God called upon to serve others) rather than the beliefs we don’t share. While (to be brutally honest) I may not have chosen this path for him, it is not about me. The calling he is following is a good example of releasing our need to have control over our children and their outcomes. The kids who came through me will live out their greatest purpose to the best of their ability and my primary role is to appreciate and support them in that endeavor. I know that if Allen-Michael continues through seminary he will one day make a faithful father to many people. It’s a gift to watch him continue to unfold into a gentle yet strong young man.

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Brigham (20, a junior in college) has blessed me and our family so often with his free-spirit…he was the most hesitant to answer my questions without knowing what they were first. Brigham has always wanted to know as much as possible before things happen. This phase of parenting, during the college years, can be be most challenging (based on my perspective having parented for three decades through all phases). It’s really a time when what you’ve worked to model and instill comes through in your child’s actions. Brigham works diligently at everything he does, but at the same time, he’s also very go-with-the flow. There are a lot of moments when anxiety about a choice he might make could hamper our relationship if I chose to defer to fear (breeding disconnection between he and I) instead of holding space for any choice he makes because I understand I am not in control of, responsible for, nor do I want to get in the way of his learning for himself the lessons life is willing to teach him.

It is in our greatest challenges that we grow as human beings.

I believe, and have been outspoken about in many ways over the past few years, raising children is our greatest calling and it needs to evolve from one where the emphasis is on teaching and controlling kids to a place where our role is to guide them by learning who it is they are as we parent WITH them. Putting structure and boundaries in place while giving them lots of choices to discover who they are. I believe a mutually respectful friendship is the end goal when they are independent adults. When and if my kids decide to have children of their own, I’d like them to want me to be a part of their kids lives, not out of obligation but because they love and respect the person I have been throughout their lives.

Parenting is about growing you while raising them (hmmm…sounds like the title of a book…), for me this includes choosing to start and stay involved in conversations that may be difficult in order to develop better connections with my kids, it means making my own physical/emotional/spiritual life a priority so I can be emotionally present for others, and it means speaking out and getting involved in the world wherever I can to bring awareness to the importance of parenting with intention.

If I can be of service to you in navigating the parent/child relationship(s) in your life, please email me through this site or text me at 972-689-0250.

May 10, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

What made this kid so damn disrespectful?

“F#*% YOU!” She bellowed from the other side of the rack in the Juniors section at Target. Brief pause before, “Goddamn it Mom, you ALWAYS ruin things for me, I can’t stand you!”

I looked at Mia with wide eyes and mouthed, “Did we just hear what I think we just heard?!”

In my mind I was thinking, what in gods name could this kid be so angry about that she’s compelled to drop the f-bomb and yell at her mom (loudly, in public, I might add) with such intensity?

Yet I know this kind conversation goes on between moms and their kids all the time. Many a mother has shared with me their experience of feeling angry, resentful, and sometimes overwhelmed by her child’s disrespectful words and actions.

And I wonder…what allows kids today to go where we never would have dared? To actually say such horrible things to their mothers that likely only lived in our deepest, darkest thoughts.

We’ve obviously contributed to this in some way…

Much as we might like them to, our kids don’t look at authority the same way we did. There is an increasing lack of respect for life in general due, in part, because kids have access to much more information than we did, which has had an influence on how they are responding to life.

Moms tend to experience disrespectful behavior more often from their kids than dads do because moms are [generally] the more nurturing parent, the softer place to fall. Moms usually forgive easier than dads do, they consistently share a wider range of emotions, their voices aren’t as harsh nor their looks as menacing.

When I was growing up, my Mom would often have to ask me repeatedly (kindly at first, then with increasing volume and attitude) to do basic stuff like load the dishwasher or make my bed. On the other hand, if my Dad even looked at me the wrong way and I’d be in tears. My response was based on the fact that on some level I knew my Mom (exasperated or not) would love and accept me no matter what…my Dad, well, he had a more conditional vibe. I felt I had to perform to his satisfaction in order to gain his love and approval. My Dad was someone to be cautious around.

I think kids just “know” what they can get away with and what they can’t with their parents.

Which begs the question: Why do moms allow themselves to be disrespected by their kids?

It’s simple.

Parents who place an emphasis on getting specific behavior from their kids will be on the receiving end of their child’s disrespect more often than those who emphasize connection in their relationship.

If you are driven by your child’s behavior being the compass for your success as a parent your child will sense it and will push you away because what they really crave (yes, even during their teenage years) is a connection with you that doesn’t rest completely on who you need them to be.

Ask yourself: What is more important to me…the way my child behaves, or the connection I have with my child?

If you cultivate a relationship where your child’s behavior is the priority and is a direct reflection of your ability to parent, when your kid acts up or talks back to you in a way that hurts your feelings, then you will be fueling a connection that will incite arguments, power struggles, and confrontation. Especially during adolescence when our kids naturally begin to pull away from us.

What worked when your child was young no longer holds water during their emerging independence.

And…

because the way our parents raised us isn’t working with this generation.

Have you noticed?

Everything else in the world is changing and evolving, why should parenting be any different?

Mom, when your kid drops the f-bomb or slams the door, when she take three hours to do one simple household task you go crazy because you feel unheard and disrespected, right?

And kids aren’t allowed to do that to their parents, right?

I promise you, when you shift from defining the relationship with your son or daughter from their behavior being acceptable to you to building a connection with them you will have less struggle.

Write out a to-do list, tell them they’ve got the weekend to get it done, if it’s not done set the consequence ahead of time so they know what will come, then close your mouth.

You want your teenager to be invested in your relationship, so you can continue to impart some wisdom on them as they make bigger life decisions. If your child feels controlled by you, or that they have to perform to your expectation to receive your love and acceptance that’s where the rebellion comes in.

All behavior (yours, mine, our kids) is an attempt to satisfy one of six basic human needs: **acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and connection.** We are built and wired to connect with one another.

Every time you engage with your son/daughter from a place where their behavior is more important than the connection in your relationship, you create disconnection.

The next time you begin to feel the tension rise with your son or daughter take a moment to figure out what’s going on below the surface for you. On the surface you may feel frustrated, angry, even disappointed…but there’s always something else going on below the surface (often motivated by your fear or anxiety) that threatens the connection you have with your child.

The older your child gets the less control you have and the more you will be needed to support and encourage them in whatever decisions they are making for themselves. You shift from being their teacher into being their guide who will allow them to have as many choices as possible (even if they might fail) so they can learn what works for them and what doesn’t.

You got this Mom!

March 20, 2018 by Kim Muench 2 Comments

Why I want my daughter to know I was a victim of sexual assault

It was on my radar to be aware that when my daughter headed into her teen years it would trigger me in ways my four sons never did. However, I didn’t know (until now) exactly what it would be that would set me off.

Having been a teenage girl, I naturally easily identify with what she’s going through socially, emotionally, and academically. This has, so far, been the case and hasn’t been a challenge. In fact, we have really open communication and discuss lots of light and difficult things, even topics I didn’t think I’d ever be comfortable speaking to my kids about. But, what I didn’t anticipate was how an experience I had at her age would cause me to become anxious about the potential of it happening to her…so much so my anxiety began to interfere with how she and I were interacting.

You see, in 8th grade I was sexually assaulted by a group of male classmates late one evening while I was babysitting. This experience began to cloud my thoughts each time my daughter would ask to go and play tennis two blocks down the street from our house. My mind would wander to the thought it was likely she would run into some of her male middle school teammates while hitting the ball with her girlfriends.

I found myself fearing what could happen to her while walking to or from the park, or while at the park, and then I worried about what kind of effect it might have on her. I remember all too well how the encounter I had experienced with those boys I had so blindly trusted had affected me.

I tried for a while to dismiss my anxiety, but discovered it inevitably creeping in every time she’d ask to go play. My instinct was to say, “I’ll drop you off and pick you up…” or “Not tonight, it’s already dark,” but then I’d silently reprimand myself because I knew this kind of response would only be allowing a traumatic event from my past to be projected onto her.

My daughter is not me.

That being said, I began to wonder, was there some value in the sharing of my sexual assault experience with her?

Parents have asked me how much they should share about their teen years with their kids (usually around the topics of alcohol/drug use, dating, grades). I believe the answer to this depends on why you want to tell them, and how you actually go about sharing the information. Being open with your kids about your own life can be beneficial to theirs if your intention is positive and when you decide to share the information it doesn’t come from your fear.

So that meant for me to share the story with my daughter I had to be in a place where fear wasn’t the motivating factor for my sharing. I had some personal work to do.

I asked myself what could be gained by my telling her? How much detail did I want to share? How did I think she’d receive the information? What was the intended outcome? Would this be a situation that could help us connect or would it be something that (out of fear) might cause her to pull away for some reason?

After thinking about the pros and cons of sharing my experience with her, I recently decided it was worth the conversation. But I wanted to be clear with my intentions before it came out of my mouth. The last thing I wanted was to scare her; my deepest desire was to inspire her about the importance of tuning into her own instincts and trusting her gut. Because that is what I wish I’d have done when I was thirteen and faced with a group of boys who thought it would be fun to assault me.

I purposely chose the time (in the car while we were running errands), we had plenty of space for her to digest what I was saying and to ask questions. At the end of our conversation I knew she’d understood my objective because she told me she was sorry to hear that it happened to me, but glad she knew because it was a good example of how to know when to “listen to your inner voice.” (Hah!)

Have you been thinking about sharing something from your teen years with your son or daughter? If you have an example from your own parenting journey I’d love to hear about it. Share in the comment section below or send me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

You remember you, right?!

Ask yourself: What is more important to me…the way my child behaves, or the connection I have with my child?

All behavior (yours, mine, our kids) is an attempt to satisfy one of six basic human needs: acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and connection. We are built and wired to connect with one another.

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All behavior (yours, mine, our kids) is an attempt to satisfy one of six basic human needs: **acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and connection.** We are built and wired to connect with one another.