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February 1, 2021 by Kim Leave a Comment

Parenting: The Best “How to Grow Yourself Up” experience ever!

Carrie* walks into her daughter’s bedroom to wake her up for school because once again she’s slept through her alarm. Trying to sound cheerful, she gently rubs her sixteen-year-old’s arm and says, “Bridget,* it’s time to get moving honey.” Immediately Bridget begins to bark her usual response, “God Mom, why do you have to wake me up like that I HATE it when you touch me! Leave me alone!” Carrie’s body goes stiff, the back of her neck begins to tingle…this is what she expected, but not what she wanted to start her day with again. Triggered, she retorts in a condescending tone, “Well Bridget, if you were a little more responsible you’d be able to get yourself up and moving without my having to come in here every damn day!”

You may initially want to slap me for saying this but…Nobody tells you how much motherhood will be the best way to grow yourself up. No one talks about what you can really learn in the years between your child’s arrival and their launch.

And, nobody (before me, before today) shares the true secret to motherhood: raising human beings is our greatest opportunity to identify and work through the limiting beliefs we unconsciously took on as children.

And these beliefs will be triggered at any given moment by our kid’s behavior.

Say what?!?!?!?!

What the hell is a limiting belief?

When you were a child you picked up subtle cues from your parents, grandparents, siblings, teachers (all of the important people in your world) about how to act and what you should say in order to feel their love. Even if they said they loved you unconditionally. Most of us spent a lot of our childhood performing to get our parent’s love and acceptance.

At our core, we do not want to be abandoned by the people we love the most. And every human born comes into the world with six basic emotional needs. We work hard to get those met through our words and behavior. What are our basic emotional needs? They are acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and what Dr. Brené Brown says we’re all wired for…connection.

Every one of us has limiting beliefs. Even if you had the most woke, present, emotionally intelligent parents! The question is whether or not you are aware of them and then, taking it another step, if you decide to do anything about shifting the ones that are triggering you.

What’s a trigger?

An emotional trigger is anything — including memories, experiences, or events — that spark an intense emotional reaction, regardless of your current mood.

Many moms know they are being triggered by the people they love the most, but they don’t ever take the time or invest the energy to question and then to create new, more accurate beliefs to better serve themselves and their kids. 

The women I work with have found the courage to look at the beliefs they hold about themselves because they know those beliefs are blocking their full potential and they’re tired of it; they want more from their lives.

As Carrie and I worked together she was able to understand her value as a person and become less reactive to Bridget. When that happened (by becoming the calm in Bridget’s storm) her daughter learned how to regulate her emotions as well.

*These are not their real names.

What do limiting beliefs look and feel like in parenting?

Some typical triggers: feeling disrespected when your son doesn’t obey curfew (tripping the deeper need in you to feel seen/heard/accepted). Becoming deeply hurt when your daughter rolls her eyes at you for the first time (on the surface you may feel or say you’re annoyed but below the surface is your desire for appreciation and connection).

Think about the frustration coursing through your body every time the door to their room slams because you’ve doled out another rule in an effort to protect your teenager…if not from others, then certainly from themselves. That anxiety is a surface reaction to a deeper trigger of [as a parent] you are not enough or the job you’re doing as a parent is not good enough.

Evading curfew, the eye rolls, wearing a revealing tube top, door slamming, and dying one’s hair blue are examples of our teenager’s attempts to individuate and build autonomy (it could also very well be a way to seek attention or affection). As the parent, this behavior is an assault on our desire to feel seen and heard. We equate the way our kids show up in the world as a direct reflection of how good a parent we are, in other words, how valuable we are as a human being.

Our deep need to be seen and heard comes from not having had enough of that experience as a child. Let’s face it, even if our parents doted on us they didn’t get it right 100% of the time. I know my parents didn’t. They did the best they could with what they knew and based on their own growing up experience. This is why we react now by feeling angry, disappointed, and/or disrespected when our kids trigger us.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

So, how can you stop getting triggered by your kid’s behavior?

Personally join me for my 8-week online course Becoming Me While Raising You, A Mother’s Journey to Self. Together, in a small group of women (think handful) we will uncover your limiting beliefs and shift them into healthier ones! We’ll also look at consistent boundary setting, building trust with your teen, creating open communication at home, how to know when to lean in and fix something in your teen’s life and when to let the natural consequences of their choices teach them.

We meet on Zoom either Tuesday mornings (10 a.m. CST) or Thursday evenings (7:30 p.m. CST). Eight weeks to new beliefs, confident parenting skills, sharper intuition, and a more peaceful home life. I’ll be right there to guide you every step of the way. Text me at 972-689-0250 or sign up through the link above to grab your spot. This is an ongoing enrollment so any week you want to begin you can, you just have to commit for 8 straight weeks.

 

 

Filed Under: Kim's Journey, Parenting Teens, Parenting Today, Personal Development, Personal Growth Tagged With: conscious parenting, how to, limiting beliefs, parenting, parenting teens, personal development, personal growith, self reflection, teenagers

July 28, 2016 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

It’s out with the old, and in with the new!

The other day I went to the Super Target to pick up my new eye glasses.  I am about to turn forty-eight, and so are my eyes.  They, like the rest of me, need occasional help to do their job as well as they did twenty years ago.  These glasses give me clearer vision and perspective, which is helpful as I focus in a new direction.

I have spent the past five years writing about my life.  It started with a book about some significant challenges I faced in becoming an adult and about being a mother to five, the oldest of whom battled addiction. The book led to this website and my continued sharing about my life.  By writing about the trials and triumphs I experienced with marriage, parenting, and my own personal growth and spirituality, I have learned a great deal about who I am, and who I desire to continue to be as I navigate the rest of my life’s journey.

Along this road, I also returned to college and finished my Bachelors in Psychology, I began a career path in adolescent addiction treatment, I have written about parenting on sites such as The Huffington Post, Ten to Twenty Parenting, A Fine Parent, and Suburban Parent Magazine.  I have also been writing a column for our local newspaper.  And earlier this year I was instrumental in bringing a favorite parenting author to Dallas to speak about conscious parenting.  All of these steps have allowed me to see where my passion and purpose lies.

This may not come as a surprise to you, but throughout these various steps I have discovered my passion is in helping parents work towards creating deeper, healthier connections with their kids.

Because everything starts at home.  And if we hope to change the path of dysfunction we are on, it will be through our most intimate relationships first.

To that end, I have spent the last several months studying to become a certified parent guide.

Because I know parenting is the greatest challenge one can travel during our lifetime, and I don’t think there is nearly enough support and encouragement for the endeavor.  My goal as a guide is to help parents discover (a) where the changes are necessary in their parent/child relationships, and (b) to examine and execute a willingness to look within themselves to create the change to strengthen relationships in the home

I am not going into business for myself because I believe I am a parent who is perfect, or who never makes mistakes.  Quite the opposite, I am going into the business of parent coaching because I have made many mistakes along the way, and I have learned a great deal about my role as mom.  Parenting consciously is a practice I take seriously, everyday.  I have seen my relationships with my kids and my husband flourish because I have worked on myself and on the relationships closest to me.

This site will take on a different look in the coming weeks.  It will go from a place where I exclusively write about my personal journey, to a place where moms and dads, who are looking to work on the most precious ties in their lives, will learn more about parent coaching, about me, and about the program they can work through with me to bring harmony back to their family life.

My focus will be with parents of preteens to young adults.  Because I am in the thick of that age group myself, so I have a special connection to the ups and downs of parenting this population.

Real Life Mom is going to become (hint, hint….look up at the web address…)

Real Life Parent Guide!

Will I still write, yes!  Because writing (for me) is like prayer.  I don’t think I could ever stop writing.  But it will become a “tab”, not the home page.

I hope you will remain on this journey with me, even if I am not writing as often as I used to, my focus now will be on educating parents about this field and working one-on-one with those who choose to embrace it!

One more song for the road…I think this one says a lot, not only about my journey thus far, but about each one of us having the same opportunity to live life well!

Peace…

 

 

Filed Under: Family, Kim's Journey, Personal Growth Tagged With: Kimberly Muench, parent coaching, parent guide, parenting, personal growth

July 7, 2016 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Freedom to be YOU, the Gift that Keeps on Giving…

 photo by dan carlson
photo by dan carlson

In the name of doing things differently, and stretching myself once and a while, I thought I would create a “vlog” instead of writing a blog this week.  The topic…what do I think is the greatest challenge parents face, and why it’s important to give this gift to your kiddos.

Enjoy…

 

Not sure I’ll ever be a t.v. star (not that anyone is asking me to become one…), but I think I could have done worse as a first try at creating a vlog.

What do you think is the most challenging aspect of raising kids?  I would love to hear about it…comment below, or send me an email at realifemom.com@gmail.com.  

Filed Under: Kim's Journey, Parenting, Parenting Blog, Personal Growth Tagged With: generational emotional trauma, parenting lessons

June 26, 2016 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

I found the courage to iFly Dallas, and so can you!

I am a chicken shit.

Totally…

Anyone who knows me even somewhat well will tell you I hate heights, speed, and I definitely despise roller coasters.  (I had a near-death incident on The Demon at Six Flags in Gurnee, Illinois during my eighth grade field trip that changed my outlook about whether or not I should ever again hang upside down and spin around.)

But sometimes, in order to celebrate life, get the family to do something out of the ordinary, and to see how far you can push yourself, you will challenge yourself to things that are completely out of your comfort zone.

For me that was agreeing to be the first in line to go on our inaugural trip to a local indoor skydiving experience called, iFly Dallas.

It all started because Tom turned fifty this week, and I wanted to find something to commemorate that milestone with him.  He’s a fairly adventurous guy (unlike his wife), so a few weeks ago I thought of [what, to me at the time, was a] brilliant idea…Tom and the boys should go indoor skydiving while the grandmas (Tom’s mom came to town to celebrate with us), Mia and myself would make a nice dinner, maybe put up some streamers….you know, take care of all of the very safe, fun, festive birthday party preparations. 

Well, the plan I had in mind turned into “this should be a whole family adventure” and all of a sudden I learn we have purchased and booked a group package (for up to 6 people).

How convenient…

I have a couple of kids who, like me, hate taking any kind of risk.  So I know, as their mom, if I want them to be willing to leave their comfort zone, I have to be willing to do it FIRST.  Using the “I grow because you make me” manta that has come in handy during my 24-year marriage, I agree to going, and I even make sure I am the first in line when we head onto the flight deck.

Of course. long before we arrive at iFly I read all of the information on the website, investing in the “this is a “fun”…EASY experience”.

I think to myself, as long as it’s nothing like riding a roller coaster I’ll be fine.

And it was!

The first time out, that is.

We had paid for two, one-minute trips into the tunnel.  I know, this does not sound like much of a big deal at all, and that was the way I looked at it…surely I can do anything for two one-minute increments, right?!

All six of us took our initial flight round really well.  Even the two kids who wanted absolutely nothing to do with the experience.  

Round two was a different story…for me anyway.

I look Justin (our flight instructor…or tormentor, depending on who is viewing him) in the eyes as I enter the chamber, hoping it conveys everything I want to actually say, but he would never be able to hear…“go easy on me Justin, I HATE heights and even more than that I HATE to spin around”…he smiles and I pray he gets what I am thinking as we begin the second minute together.

To be honest, I think Justin totally understood what I was trying to let him know, but he thought he could convince me otherwise…you know, to release my fear of heights and spinning…

I am not going to lie, as we spun up the tunnel the first time I closed my eyes and of course my go-to word came to mind…

“Shit!”

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit…

After opening my eyes briefly to see just how high we’d flown, I clamped them tightly shut just in time…I screamed (not that anyone heard me) as we plunged, SPINNING, down to the bottom of the tunnel.  

Repeat.

FIVE MORE TIMES!

before he had to take hold my fly suit from behind and direct me out the door because I was so dizzy I couldn’t take a straight step.

It was over, I lived through it, but NEVER again will I go indoor (or outdoor for that matter) skydiving.

The kids and Tom bought additional minutes and will return.

Good for them I say.

This family experience is one I am sure we will talk about for a long time.  I am happy I took part in it so that my kids could see (a) we can’t always predict what mom will do, and (b) mom can do things that cause her anxiety and take her out of her comfort zone, and so can I.

I found out later my husband had paid a little extra so I could have the second flight minute of my life.

Nice.

Can’t wait to see what he has in store for MY fiftieth birthday in a few years…

 

 

Filed Under: Family, Kim's Journey, Personal Growth Tagged With: family fun, iFly Dallas, indoor skydiving, personal growith

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Kim Muench



(972) 689-0250
realifeparentguide@gmail.com

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realifeparentguide@gmail.com
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