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October 12, 2020 by Kim Leave a Comment

Powerful parenting practices post The Social Dilemma

This is how most moms I know are feeling after watching The Social Dilemma on Netflix. Frustrated, angry, sad, but even more than all of those feelings, they are feeling scared. Scared about how our daily digital diet is impacting not only our teenagers but how it’s shaping and affecting them as adults.

I watched The Social Dilemma the first time with my husband and then we decided we really needed our kids to see it, not only so they could be informed, but because I was super curious about how they would respond. The youngest three (ages 22, 17, and our 15-year-old only daughter) were willing to watch because I made them popcorn and because they know I don’t often ask them to do much.

Going in, I thought if my kids understood how we are being manipulated by social media, by the information we are being fed and the engineering that goes into keeping us scrolling, they’d be alarmed, angry and react by scaling back or taking the app completely off of their phones.

I was wrong.

They watched attentively, they were willing to discuss the film afterward, and we’ve talked about it a few more times since that night. But they didn’t react like I thought they would.  In talking with each one, they all said they felt the first half of the film was overdramatic in terms of trying to instill fear in the viewer. In addition, 17 and 15 didn’t see any value in adding the family’s storyline (which I thought did a great job of showcasing what the interviewees were talking about in everyday life).

The statistics on teens and mental health didn’t land for them (though they’ve all experienced classmates and/or friends who have felt anxious to a point of it impacting their daily life, depressed, or even suicidal). They see the increase in teen mental health issues as a result of family problems being experienced rather than resulting from social media use. Interesting…though I don’t think social media use is the only factor involved in the steep increase in mental health issues and teens, I do believe it is a strong contributor to overall teen mental health. And there is certainly no shortage of family problems going around that is augmenting the effects of screen time.

One major takeaway my youngest three talked about with concern is the narrow band of information being fed to them based on previous likes and views, and the resulting divisiveness that they can see is being caused by everyone’s individualized newsfeed. It gave each of them pause when the statement about how we’ll ever be able to agree on what “the truth” is was shared.

That was their big takeaway…

Maybe your family, like mine, watched the film and you’ve had similar concerns now that you know more about what’s going on with these mega-lucrative-media platforms, yet you have no idea what to do next in your family to create meaningful change.

I have some thoughts for you on this.

The first step to any change is awareness. After watching the film, take a few minutes to think about your daily digital use. For example, I mainly spend time on Linkedin and Facebook, I know I get sidetracked multiple times a day scrolling…and I feel frustrated and angry at myself for falling into the trap every.single.day. I never feel better after hopping off of Facebook, in fact, I often feel depleted.

I really took some time to think about WHY I do this (I need a pick me up, I am procrastinating in whatever chore or work I should be doing, I am bored at the moment, I am waiting for my kiddo to come out of school and have 2 minutes of time so, “Why not?”) I could go on and on here, and I’m sure you know and even experience most of these reasons as well.

After awareness and understanding of the habit comes the more difficult task of asking oneself, “Am I going to continue this behavior, or am I going to choose differently? The big step of becoming intentional. And, if I want to change, I need to make the decision to do so and have a PLAN to execute what I’ll do INSTEAD of the normal “go-to” scroll.

Having a plan is key!

My life is busy, just like yours, I am trying to balance marriage, parenting, a job, building a business, some downtime to nourish and replenish my soul…all the things. And I realize social media is important to keep me in front of my target audience as I grow my parent coaching business not to mention that it’s been a great way to stay connected with other people (and make new connections). Giving it up entirely is not an option.

Keeping myself on the task of engaging only at certain times of the day is the right move.

To keep from getting sucked in, I will first turn off my notifications. Second, decide WHEN I will engage. Early morning and before bed is my goal. I am setting myself up for success by putting in place what I WILL do during those moments when I feel compelled to procrastinate and when I’m bored (why do I think being bored is a bad thing?)…there’s a lot of benefit to just sitting still in the quiet, I am going to get comfortable being uncomfortable in the silence of short periods of time.

Just like any other addictive behavior, I’m going to have to go through some uncomfortable times in my life in order to find peace of mind that lives on the other side of discomfort.

Okay, so let’s say you’ve watched this with (or without) your kids, and you want to make some changes with your parenting as it relates to kids and screen time but you don’t know how to make those changes.

Good news, I have some ideas for you!

  1. Get clear on where you stand on screen time and social media. Do this by going through what I’ve explained above. If you’ve not had rules in the past (or if they’ve fallen by the wayside during COVID) revisit and resolve to be consistent with what you plan to set in place. If you have older kids (10+) sit down with them to discuss the non-negotiables and work with them where you can be flexible. For example, Two non-negotiables might be dinner with family without phones (that means everyone) and no phones between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. period. Flexibility might come in with how many hours per day, how many days per week, getting chores and school work done first…these are the things you talk through with your kids because you will eliminate power struggles if they have buy-in.
  2. Continue to educate yourself on your child’s physical, mental, and brain development for the stage they are in. We often do a great job as parents educating ourselves about babies and toddlers and then forget (or get too busy) to continue to learn about how our kids change and grow throughout adolescence and how to parent this age group differently (and more effectively). Some great online resources include Spark & Stitch Institute, Grown & Flown, and Common Sense Media. There are hundreds of resources online, google a particular topic and age range, and begin!
  3. Honestly, the most important thing you can do…Work on your own mental and emotional health. As leaders in our families, we cannot be emotionally attuned to our kids if we are stressed, overwhelmed, going through relationship challenges (all of which are common for most adults, even before COVID hit us) and our kids need us to help them identify, feel, and express their feelings. If we ignore, minimize, or repress our feelings we can’t help them learn to regulate and process their emotions. Human beings are built for connection and fueled by feelings.
  4. Learn some positive, proven ways to cope with big feelings like anxiety, anger, frustration by practicing meditation. The Calm app is an excellent resource, there are many apps out there and you don’t even really need one…it’s a matter of finding a quiet space for a few minutes, closing your eyes, and paying attention to the inhale and exhale we’ve been birthed with. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the space to be still and to teach this practice to our kids. Yes, some days you will be more successful than others with this, it’s part of life.
  5. On the subject of feelings, there are wonderful books on the topic including Permission to Feel Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive by Marc Brackett, Ph.D.

The reality is this film is a calling for change, it can be nothing more than a drop in the bucket discussion, or a series of discussions in your family with a striving for change, or it can be the conduit for meaningful shifts in your daily life…or it can be the impetus for a shift in our world.

Who would you be if you become more intentional with your social media and screen use? It’s worth pondering and taking the next best step into.

 

Filed Under: Parenting Teens, Uncategorized

March 13, 2020 by Kim Leave a Comment

COVID-19 and family life: How to make the best of this situation

A week ago, I was literally snickering…I’m a very level-headed, laid-back individual and what I was experiencing through social media and in conversations with others appeared to be a gross overreaction (to say the least), I mean hand sanitizer, toilet paper and Airbourne flying off the shelves, activities canceling, emails from the local public school district talking about new policies regarding their cleaning practices seemed way out of whack.  COVID-19 is something happening mainly elsewhere, why do we have our undies in a bundle?

And as of this writing, I am still hoping it is out of whack.

Whether we actually get hit with epidemic numbers of COVID-19 cases or not, this situation is getting many of us to think about several things, like how much we outsource products used daily and how often we don’t recognize what we have until it’s no longer an option, how we take for granted our school schedule including the care/food provided for so many who will now have to figure out how to work and take care of their kids during the day, and maybe most of all…how quickly life can change.

We can choose to look at this evolving global situation as something that is happening to us, or as something that is happening FOR us.

At the moment, the extreme travel restrictions, the closings, the being told to stay home have had some immediate consequences for our family and likely for yours as well.  We had a cruise planned for the end of March that won’t be taken, our two older boys who were going to be home for a week from college on Spring Break will likely now be home much longer, my husband (who owns a travel business) will have some significant setbacks to overcome, the children’s hospital I work at has implemented some strict changes (just waiting to see if any of those involve more than my rescheduling a few major events), and though I haven’t heard if our high school kids will get an extended break from school yet, I am expecting that will be the case.

It would be really easy to get stuck in a negative thought pattern about how this will affect our family financially and in ways I can’t even imagine at the moment, but I want to pause and remind all of us who have lived through major tragedy or serious life-altering events before (think 9/11, SARS, Hurricane Katrina, the housing crash of 2008, H1N1, the Sandy Hook Elementary school shooting, the mass shooting in Las Vegas…) that it is, in these times, when we move through the fear, we come together and remember we are all one.  This is when humanity really shines!

The coming weeks are an opportunity to reconnect with our families, to take a breath from the sometimes-insane pace of life we expect ourselves to rise to, to wave to our neighbors, to pay it forward by allowing someone else to go first or by sharing a roll of toilet paper.

You watch, while we don’t yet know exactly how bad things might get…there will (and have been already) multiple situations each of us will come to learn and be a part of that will highlight our human side, the side where we work together for the greater good, this…THIS is what gives us perspective and neutralizes our fear and calls us into our higher selves.

COVID-19 is giving us the opportunity to choose staying present over future-tripping. Becoming gounded or feeding our anxiety.  Adopting gratitude over greed. 

Take this moment in time to be still and stay here, look for the good and let it remind you of what is truly important in this human experience.

Filed Under: Parenting Blog, Uncategorized Tagged With: conscious parenting, COVID-19, health, parenting, safety, self reflection, slowing down family schedule

December 12, 2019 by KMMNCHRL3284723 Leave a Comment

Lack of Confidence, a Parent’s Greatest Struggle

“HELP, I need advice on how to handle my 15-year-olds-over-the-top video game addiction, he is literally playing 10-12 hours a day!”

“My 14-year-old daughter doesn’t have a clue as to how to get herself up and ready for school, someone please tell me what’s wrong with kids today????”

“I’ve suggested my teenage son get a job to help support his continuous social life, he told me that’s out of the question. What am I supposed to do, I can’t MAKE him get a job?!?!”

“Which is the best app to track my daughter, I can’t trust her to be where she says she’s going to be and I have no clue where to begin, but I know I’ve got to do something!”

Posted through hundreds of Facebook groups daily, parents are asking other parents for their advice and feedback on everything from discipline strategies to medical issues…what’s going on? How did we get here? It’s easy to fall into the trap of asking others for their opinions and perspectives since social media groups are plentiful and it looks as if everyone else is asking for advice and insight, so why not join the crowd?

I’ll tell you why…

seeking the advice of others about your parenting challenges robs you of the opportunity to hone your inborn intuition and, as a result, connect more deeply with your kids. Somewhere during the social media boom it was decided that everyone else has the answer to our relationship issues and it’s better to look outside of ourselves to get back on the right path with our teenagers.

It’s time for us to reconnect with ourselves so that we can build healthier, stronger relationships with our kids. THAT’S what’s missing. And that’s my mission when working with a parent. To help them reconnect with their own inner wisdom.

Don’t get me wrong, building community among parents of teenagers is needed. In fact, I have created a group in my hometown called Moms Empowering Moms for this very reason, because we can’t always do it alone. BUT, when our go to has become asking strangers to help us navigate parenting dilemmas we are learning to disconnect from our much needed inner wisdom.

You see, the answer is within us.

Now, I don’t mean to say that if our son or daughter is experiencing an ongoing medical or mental health condition we shouldn’t check in with our doctor or a trusted family member or friend, this may be exactly what’s needed. I’m talking about the reliance we’ve developed towards asking people we don’t know [who have their own experiences, perspectives and backgrounds guiding their commentary] to advise us on what to do in a given situation, this breeds (a) a lack of confidence in parenting and (b) looking for the Easy Button.

When experiencing stress or tension in the relationship with one of our kids reconnecting with ourselves is the answer.

But how do we go about doing that?

  1. Stop – Literally take a few minutes of quiet, uninterrupted time to feel into (notice I didn’t say think about) the situation you are experiencing with your child. What is coming up for you to tune into? Thinking can lead to fear which leads to disconnection, the idea is to come from a space of love in order to create stronger connection to yourself and then to your child. Pay close attention to what comes up (beneath the initial fear) by feeling through your heart to invite what appears.
  2. Ask – Once quiet for a few minutes and you begin to move past thinking into feeling, ask for direction. Asking means you are sincerely open to receiving the guidance you need about the particular situation you are concerned about. To tap into your inner wisdom, you must be open to it.
  3. Act – Don’t question what’s coming up, that’s your monkey mind taking over. Our intuition comes from a much deeper place than our mind. It comes from our heart center, from the connection to ourselves and to our loved ones. Proceed in confidence with your gut instinct.

Now more than ever our teenagers need for us, their parents, to be clear and intentional in the relationship with have with ourselves and with them. They need our wisdom and guidance, not in the form of a lecture but in the knowing that we are available to support and encourage them right where they’re at.

No matter what situation they find themselves in.

Our culture and the pace of life we’re continually being sold does not lend itself well to this exercise of stopping and checking in but if we are to become connected to ourselves, therefore emotionally available to our kids, then making this practice a priority every day is essential.

If I can be of service to help you reconnect to yourself and therefore more readily available to those you love, please contact me.

Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Blog, Parenting Teens, Uncategorized

September 7, 2018 by KMMNCHRL3284723 1 Comment

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start writing!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

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Kim Muench



(972) 689-0250
realifeparentguide@gmail.com

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(972) 689-0250
realifeparentguide@gmail.com
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