One afternoon last week I was washing dishes when I suddenly noticed how tense I was. Almost immediately I realized my uneasiness was being compounded by the fact that I had literally stopped breathing. Taking a step back from the sink, I consciously asked myself what could be triggering my anxiety.
An on-the-spot-millisecond mental checklist erupted from my brain: kids are all at school, husband in his office on a conference call that seems to be going well, housework is under control, met my column deadline…on the surface everything appeared to be totally in order.
What is it?!
Obviously I’d taken to breathing again at this point, but I continued to wonder why I was having the experience. It wasn’t the first time. Not a panic attack (unfortunately, I know what that feels like) this was more a result of concentrating so intently (believe it or not, it’s my strategy for getting through boring household chores).
How is it that I can get so consumed by my thoughts, or in my busywork, I forget to do THE ONE THING I need to do in order to survive?
What the heck was I pondering right before I noticed I stopped breathing?
I know, I was trying to figure out how I’d find enough focus to work through three writing assignments, doing each justice, before a [self-imposed] deadline of September 30th.
What did I just write????????
I put myself into an apprehensive state and stopped breathing because I was afraid I wouldn’t be creative enough to follow through on a few commitments I’d made and then proceeded to impose my own deadline on.
How often do we do this to ourselves?
Making more out of situations in our lives than we really need to, literally creating drama so we’ll feel good enough/smart enough/productive enough/enough enough, instead of taking a step back and remembering life isn’t about what we DO, but about who we ARE.
We spend so much mental energy trying to live up to what we believe other people think we should do that we create our own problems. Newsflash: We are not walking the Earth to “live up to” the standards other people set for us (whether it be a spouse, a child, a friend, an employer, a classmate, a parent…).
We ARE here to develop ourselves, through our relationships and experiences with others. To be teachers and learners and connectors.
I went back to the sink and finished the dishes having made a decision to breathe in and out, slowly, to a count of five. I have learned that staying present means actively and mentally setting aside concerns in order to fully enjoy the moment.
I practice this, I am not perfect at it.
Once the dishes were done it was time for me to take a walk to the elementary school and pick up Mia, one of my favorite ways to connect with her and catch up on the day’s events at school. She “hates the walk, but loves the talk.”
How do you know when you are becoming mentally stressed out? What physical symptoms appear in you? How do you handle it?
Comment below, I would love to hear your thoughts, after all, we’re in this together!
Thanks for this article. I’m a psychoanalyst and author and identify with how busy you are and the deadlines you set for yourself. I do the same. When I feel that inner pressure, I write down the beginnings of anarticle that keeps going through my mind, so I know I’ll remember my thoughts and even my wording but then leave it for later. I may actually lie down or sit in a comfortable chair with my feet up and be silent just letting my mind wander while breathing comfortably. I don’t do meditative breathing because I actually find it distracting. I just allow myself to relax. Ideas come and go and when I start feeling bored, I know I’ve given way to my need to slow down and I’m rejuvenated.
I’ve published a parenting book, Unlocking Parental Intelligence, that is a five step approach. The first step is on your point. It’s called Stepping Back. I help parents stop, not act, slow down, and just think and feel as they review the conundrum or puzzling behavior of their child. It’s hard for parents and people in general to step back, but that’s my advice when you feel anxious and pressured.
Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.
http://lauriehollmanphd.com
Thanks Laurie, stepping back is a great suggestion! I have purposely made some changes to my personal, and our family schedule to be able to live with less chaos…most of the time it works! Our culture is so driven toward the merits of "busyness" that my life goes against the grain, but since I’ve stopped caring so much what other people think, it’s easier to live a life I am comfortable in. Very freeing! I’ll have to pick up your book and read more on of your suggestions!
Post it notes all over my house that say.".stay in the day..and remember to breathe"..may seem crazy to some, but when our minds are going a million miles an hour, the reminders help!
Great idea Mary! I find I have a hard time committing to an hour yoga class each week because I spend the time thinking about the million other things I could/should be doing. Then I argue with myself about how I’ve committed to being at yoga….so, Kim, BE at yoga! It’s a commitment to slow down in today’s fast-paced world.