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September 4, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to draw the line with your teenager

“How the hell am I supposed to believe a word that comes out of his mouth?!” Her frustration was clear…she was beyond angry with her teenage son because his lying was out of control. She was looking to me to help her understand (a) why he was lying all the time and (b) what she was supposed to do to correct the problem. This was not only hurting their relationship, but his lies were beginning to wreak havoc on her marriage because she and her husband did not see eye to eye on what to do about the issue.

The first step was to have Mom ask herself why her son might be lying. I told her in order to do that, she’d have to set aside feeling betrayed for a moment and honestly get curious about what she thought he had to gain by lying to her about everything from where he was going to why the money in his bank account was disappearing.

One obvious reason…he may be lying to escape the consequences of his actions, right? Another possible reason for his lies could be, in his eyes, her son doesn’t feel there is any room in the relationship for him to make mistakes. Maybe his lies started out small and harmless enough, but have now [over time] developed into a situation that he knows causes constant anger, lectures, distrust…maybe he feels there is no going back, or it would be too hard to turn things around at this point.

Either way, I understood Mom’s frustration but needed her to take a step back emotionally to look at the situation from her son’s perspective.

I run into a lot of parents who believe their teens are doing things to them when in actuality, their kids have made an unwise choice that has consequences they didn’t see coming, and rather than being honest and admitting the mistake (and possibly listening to some intense scrutiny and dealing with the consequences) just continue down the path because they don’t see a way out.

Believe it or not, telling the truth all of a sudden (when asked over and over again) doesn’t seem like a viable option.

If you want your son or daughter to be truthful you’ve got to be open to the fact that they’re going to make some mistakes during this often confusing time in their lives. And when they do, you’re responsible for creating an atmosphere that allows them to feel like they can come clean and not be shamed.

When you look back at your own teen years and you messed up, what happened? Were your mistakes and bad choices met with anger and criticism? Were you made to feel like garbage…or, did your parent(s) talk with you about the consequences of the choice you made and help you look at where you (if you were able to go back) could do things differently?

You know… so you could actually learn from the choices you’d made.

Because if your parents made you feel like crap for your behavior or choices during your teen years, my guess is you don’t know how to respond to your son or daughter any differently. You might even feel justified in responding the same way your parents did.

Ouch, that hurt.

But, ask yourself, if you were doing what your kid is doing at this moment what would be helpful to you?

I’m not saying there shouldn’t ever be consequences for kid’s actions, I’m just saying don’t take everything your teen does as a personal assault against you and your ability to parent.

This is a time when they are trying things on…everything from personality traits to hairstyles.

Another area you’ve gotta get clear on as a parent (and as a couple, if it applies) is what your expectations are. And, just like when they were toddlers, you have to consistently (in word and action) talk about and model these things with your kids.

For example…lying. In this family, we don’t lie. There is nothing you could do or say that would cause you to lose my love, therefore, lying is not an option. We don’t lie to you (make sure you are telling 100% truth here because kids will wave the bullshit flag with their words and/or behavior if you aren’t on the up and up) and we expect the same from you. There is nothing you could ever tell me that would be worse for our relationship than my finding out you lied to me. We can work through anything as long as you tell the truth.

Mom and Dad…you’ve got to live this out and be the example of truth and unconditional love. And if you mess up, own it. Your teen has to believe you are truly on their side and have a deep desire to set them up for success in life.

No anger, just clarity, and living by example.

Your teenager needs you in their life…be there to guide them, not rule over them and take everything they say and do during this decade so personally like it’s a direct reflection on you.

If you need help contact me.

April 26, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Do you know a child who is about to be a train wreck?

I’m lucky, my kids are really open about talking about their friends with me. Though I admit, at times, this can be a mixed blessing. Because I care a lot about kids, and I care a lot about parents, and when the two groups in the family aren’t able to communicate well, or the parent may not see what’s going on for their child, it can be hard to know whether or not to step in and try to help by at least sharing the information. Especially if you don’t know the other parent.

Who else has struggled with this? The knowing about events or circumstances your child’s friend is going through and you’ve wondered/hesitated/hoped/prayed things would be okay because you just didn’t know if you should get involved or how the other parent might digest the information you want to share.

This has been my struggle for the past few weeks.

I know what I would do if there were clear evidence of regular alcohol or drug use in someone’s child and they didn’t know about it (and I didn’t know the parent), I would risk the situation and make contact with the parent in the name of the child’s well-being. Having been the mother of a son who has struggled with addiction, who started drinking casually at fifteen, I honestly don’t think I could just look away.

Not that every kid who has a drink as a teenager is going to become an alcoholic, that’s an overstatement. But, if my child has come to me with several accounts of a teen who has repeatedly been binge drinking or using pot (or worse) I believe stepping up is the best thing to do. It takes a village, right? Don’t we all agree on that? (No need to answer the question.)

The situation I’m talking about is a little more “gray”…my child’s friend has parents going through a split and there have been a few red flags on my radar over the past few months that, while at the moment this child (to my knowledge) has not gotten involved in using drugs or alcohol, does have the potential to be set up to fall in that direction if things don’t change. Or, potentially to be put in another situation where the love and attention she is seeking will be misguided and used to her disadvantage.

I have empathy for the parents who are likely going through emotional upheaval, stress, potentially financial issues, and who knows what else. I am sure they are doing the best they can with what they know as they parent their kids through these circumstances. And of course it’s possible they do know 100% of what’s going on with their child and haven’t found the time or energy or direction to change the course.

There are increasing signs of this child’s behavior being a call for help, and I can’t but wonder if the parents knew some of these things if it might have an impact that could redirect her before potential danger finds her.

The risks involved in my reaching out to this parent include their being angry at the child for sharing family information and then the consequences for her due to that sharing. Of course there is the chance they could turn on me for just trying to help. The larger ripple might include my child losing a friend in the process for opening their mouth to me about the friend’s troubles.

If you’ve been in this situation I know you understand the “damned if I do; damned if I don’t” conversation going on inside of my head. And we all know not deciding is a decision in and of itself.

So, in this moment, as in many others I have come across in three decades of parenting, it calls me to tap into my intuition.

I have to ask myself…What is my intention in making contact with this parent? Am I coming from a space of fear, or of awareness? (In other words, how credible is the information I have?) What do I hope to accomplish in going to the parent? How will I feel if the parent shuns me or if nothing comes of the information I have shared? Do I talk with my child before I reach out to the parent?

If you are in this situation now, or in the future, these are some of the questions you can ask yourself before you just quickly react to the situation you are contemplating stepping into.

Have you been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do and what happened as a result of your action? I’m curious to discuss this topic further because I believe a lot of us have been in the shoes I’m wearing.

Comment below or shoot me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

January 19, 2018 by Kim Muench 4 Comments

The best way to deal with your adolescent…detach from the outcome.

If you had asked me a decade ago, when my kids were between the ages of two and twenty, whether I had any expectations for their adult lives I would have something trite like “It doesn’t matter to me, I just want them to be happy.“

Because as parents that’s what we want for our kids, right?

But as kids develop intellectually, emotionally, and socially during adolescence, they often make a choice (or two…), behave out of character, or show up one day as someone you’ve never seen before and this can trigger the realization that you do actually have an opinion and some underlying expectations about how you think their life should flow.

Most parents I know believe high school graduates into college, then comes a solid job search which brings financial stability, at some point son/daughter finds a partner, they marry and buy a starter home which may come after renting for awhile and getting past some student debt, they usually start a family…smile, happy face, blah blah blah.

But, what happens when they don’t step seamlessly onto that path? My experience is parents will often become angry and/or frustrated with their son or daughter…rolling their eyes and telling friends they can’t believe their kid is taking six months (a year) off from life to “find themselves.” Sometimes parents may lose sleep wondering what will happen to their child’s future and may look for where they’ve gone wrong because their child isn’t “on the path” to a happy life.

Not me. When life started unfolding differently than I “expected” for my kids I decided to embrace the most valuable parenting lesson of my life.

I learned to let go and detach from their outcome.

When did we forget that our kids didn’t come into the world to live out our fantasies about who they are meant to become? When did we forget that each of us comes into the world with our own agenda and has been given the free will to create the experience and lessons we desire in order to evolve our soul?

Was it when our parents didn’t encourage us to take a road less traveled? And could they have done so because maybe their parent(s) didn’t support them in their off-the-beaten-path choices?

Over the past decade I have experienced my kids making decisions and taking paths I would never have expected or signed them up for…but, thank God for their courage to continue to walk their own way and for my ability to understand that my part in their life is to encourage and support whatever their life’s calling might bring.

My eldest son, Nick, spent his youth going between two very different homes. Though he had twice the parents most kids do (mom/dad/stepmom/stepdad) I believe that may have been a contributing factor to his feeling like he didn’t know exactly where he fit into the world. As I have written over the years, Nick fell into addiction in his early 20s and [fortunately for all of us] through some trials and a lot of hard work on his part (mentally and physically), with our emotional support and encouragement along the way, at 30 he is almost eight years sober and has created a life for himself that, while not perfect (because who’s life is anyway), is one he is comfortable, productive, and sees a bright future in.

I could not have predicted Nick would have to remake his life literally from the ground up in his 20s, but that’s what happened. No mother I know would sign their child up for living through hitting rock bottom and losing a parent to the disease. Soon to be married, he’s chosen a woman who compliments him and together they have discovered some new life interests…like parenting many an animal (birds/reptiles/rodents and my Granddog Jack) as well as a love of hammock camping! Nick didn’t chose the college path but has found a way to turn his passion for computers and IT into a fruitful career. Though there were years of uncertainty about the direction of his future, I have found myself inspired regularly by Nick’s courage to continue to take his unique steps and create a life all his own.

My second eldest, Allen-Michael, did graduate into college and his move after finishing that step (including studying abroad and taking a year away after his sophomore year to do ministry) was to go to work for a 30-year-old Catholic ministry organization out of St. Paul, Minnesota called NET (National Evangelical Team). At the moment Allen-Michael is leading the expansion of that ministry into Scotland. NET utilizes the talents of young adult Catholics to bring retreats to middle-school-aged kids to help them develop their faith in God. No plans to marry, when Allen-Michael is done with this assignment in Scotland he feels called to enter the seminary and eventually be ordained a Catholic priest.

I’m really excited to see what the next three kids teach me about life’s path! I fully realize their paths are about them not me.

Have you struggled with your child’s choices or what their future might bring? If so, I’d love to hear your thoughts/feedback/questions! Respond under comments or shoot me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

June 12, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Be grateful for the struggle with your teen

It’s inevitable, and a necessary part of their growing up; our children gradually evolve into young people who form their own thoughts/opinions/experiences and paths. But that doesn’t mean as their parent it isn’t hard to hear, understand, or bare witness to it at times, right?

A chance exchange with an acquaintance last week at Target reminded me why it’s “in the struggle” we have the greatest opportunity to grow as people…and as parents.

Dad’s nightmare began one recent evening with an unexpected phone call from the local police letting him know his teen daughter had been caught drinking while at the home of a friend of hers…there was a lot of noise and kids running about the neighborhood, so a neighbor called…maybe you too have experienced this, or you know someone who has?

Dad admitted to me that he was struggling most with the embarrassment he was feeling around being called by the police. He could not understand why his “level-headed” daughter had made the choice to go to the friend’s house (knowing the parents were out of town) to drink alcohol (knowing they’d talked about it and…he thought…agreed that she wasn’t going to drink during high school). On top of that, he was appalled she was super “nonchalant” about the whole thing when he did go and pick her up. She told him he was overreacting.

“I have no idea how to handle my anger and disappointment, not to mention my embarrassment about this!”

I asked him if he thought he was overreacting, like his daughter had suggested…

After thinking about it for a moment he said, “Maybe. But I’m scared, now that she’s made this choice once, it could easily happen again…and what if she turns into a party girl who isn’t able to pull it together enough to get through high school and into college. She’s got so much potential!”

His thoughts/feelings, while valid, aren’t helpful. Because he’s operating out of fear. The most productive attitude dad can take is to pause and be present.

The adolescent brain is a funny organ. During these years our kids are going through all sorts of hormonal and brain change which often leads to social and emotional change/choices we [moms and dads] just do not see coming. And because these wonderful kids are also more inclined to take risks while in the company of their peers, we’ve got to understand that our main role during this stage of their lives is to find a balance between allowing them to participate in social activities while also being aware of the potential for their choosing to do or say something we “know” in a million years they’d never do otherwise. And JUST AS IMPORTANT, we have to model the behavior we want to see in them.

You can’t say “don’t drink and drive” and then…drink and drive yourself.

Will not work. They see, hear, understand, internalize much more than we give them credit for…long before the teen years. But especially during this life stage.

A changing brain is not a teen’s licence to behave and then be excused from whatever choices they make during adolescence (which, remember, is now defined as ages 10-25), BUT it’s something we have to take into consideration as we work through an event (such as a drinking party) in moving forward with our teen.

I suggested dad process his anger, frustration, disappointment before sitting down with his daughter to talk about the party and her choices so that he would be present to her thoughts, feelings, feedback (instead of reacting from anger/frustraton/fear). Then, together, with his wisdom at the helm, they could come up with a healthy compromise around her socializing the rest of the summer.

Number one thing we’ve got to create as parents of adolescents is a true sense of energy around working WITH our kids; guiding them by being present of mind, and not fully influenced by our own angry/frustrated reaction. Our kids need us to work WITH them; not control and parent OVER them…especially as they reach the upper high school and young adult years.

Want to learn more about how to work through your feelings in order to really be there for your teen? Let’s talk…

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I learned to let go and detach from their outcome.

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