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September 4, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to draw the line with your teenager

“How the hell am I supposed to believe a word that comes out of his mouth?!”  Her frustration was clear…she was beyond angry with her teenage son because his lying was out of control. She was looking to me to help her understand (a) why he was lying all the time and (b) what she was supposed to do to correct the problem.  This was not only hurting their relationship, but his lies were beginning to wreak havoc on her marriage because she and her husband did not see eye to eye on what to do about the issue.

The first step was to have Mom ask herself why her son might be lying. I told her in order to do that, she’d have to set aside feeling betrayed for a moment and honestly get curious about what she thought he had to gain by lying to her about everything from where he was going to why the money in his bank account was disappearing.

One obvious reason…he may be lying to escape the consequences of his actions, right?  Another possible reason for his lies could be, in his eyes, her son doesn’t feel there is any room in the relationship for him to make mistakes. Maybe his lies started out small and harmless enough, but have now [over time] developed into a situation that he knows causes constant anger, lectures, distrust…maybe he feels there is no going back, or it would be too hard to turn things around at this point.

Either way, I understood Mom’s frustration but needed her to take a step back emotionally to look at the situation from her son’s perspective.  

I run into a lot of parents who believe their teens are doing things to them when in actuality, their kids have made an unwise choice that has consequences they didn’t see coming, and rather than being honest and admitting the mistake (and possibly listening to some intense scrutiny and dealing with the consequences) just continue down the path because they don’t see a way out.

Believe it or not, telling the truth all of a sudden (when asked over and over again) doesn’t seem like a viable option.

If you want your son or daughter to be truthful you’ve got to be open to the fact that they’re going to make some mistakes during this often confusing time in their lives.  And when they do, you’re responsible for creating an atmosphere that allows them to feel like they can come clean and not be shamed.  

When you look back at your own teen years and you messed up, what happened?  Were your mistakes and bad choices met with anger and criticism?  Were you made to feel like garbage…or, did your parent(s) talk with you about the consequences of the choice you made and help you look at where you (if you were able to go back) could do things differently?

You know… so you could actually learn from the choices you’d made.

Because if your parents made you feel like crap for your behavior or choices during your teen years, my guess is you don’t know how to respond to your son or daughter any differently.  You might even feel justified in responding the same way your parents did. 

Ouch, that hurt.

But, ask yourself, if you were doing what your kid is doing at this moment what would be helpful to you?

I’m not saying there shouldn’t ever be consequences for kid’s actions, I’m just saying don’t take everything your teen does as a personal assault against you and your ability to parent.  

This is a time when they are trying things on…everything from personality traits to hairstyles.  

Another area you’ve gotta get clear on as a parent (and as a couple, if it applies) is what your expectations are.  And, just like when they were toddlers, you have to consistently (in word and action) talk about and model these things with your kids.  

For example…lying.  In this family, we don’t lie.  There is nothing you could do or say that would cause you to lose my love, therefore, lying is not an option.  We don’t lie to you (make sure you are telling 100% truth here because kids will wave the bullshit flag with their words and/or behavior if you aren’t on the up and up) and we expect the same from you.  There is nothing you could ever tell me that would be worse for our relationship than my finding out you lied to me.  We can work through anything as long as you tell the truth.

Mom and Dad…you’ve got to live this out and be the example of truth and unconditional love. And if you mess up, own it.  Your teen has to believe you are truly on their side and have a deep desire to set them up for success in life.

No anger, just clarity, and living by example.

Your teenager needs you in their life…be there to guide them, not rule over them and take everything they say and do during this decade so personally like it’s a direct reflection on you.

If you need help contact me.

Filed Under: Parenting Blog, Parenting Teens, Parenting Today Tagged With: boundaries, boundaries with teens, drawing the line, parenting advice, parenting teenagers, teenager

January 19, 2018 by Kim Muench 4 Comments

The best way to deal with your adolescent…detach from the outcome.

 Photo Credit:  Luca Upper
Photo Credit:  Luca Upper

If you had asked me a decade ago, when my kids were between the ages of two and twenty, whether I had any expectations for their adult lives I would have something trite like “It doesn’t matter to me, I just want them to be happy.“

Because as parents that’s what we want for our kids, right?

But as kids develop intellectually, emotionally, and socially during adolescence, they often make a choice (or two…), behave out of character, or show up one day as someone you’ve never seen before and this can trigger the realization that you do actually have an opinion and some underlying expectations about how you think their life should flow.  

Most parents I know believe high school graduates into college, then comes a solid job search which brings financial stability, at some point son/daughter finds a partner, they marry and buy a starter home which may come after renting for awhile and getting past some student debt, they usually start a family…smile, happy face, blah blah blah.

 But, what happens when they don’t step seamlessly onto that path?  My experience is parents will often become angry and/or frustrated with their son or daughter…rolling their eyes and telling friends they can’t believe their kid is taking six months (a year) off from life to “find themselves.”  Sometimes parents may lose sleep wondering what will happen to their child’s future and may look for where they’ve gone wrong because their child isn’t “on the path” to a happy life.

Not me.  When life started unfolding differently than I “expected” for my kids I decided to embrace the most valuable parenting lesson of my life.  

I learned to let go and detach from their outcome.

When did we forget that our kids didn’t come into the world to live out our fantasies about who they are meant to become?  When did we forget that each of us comes into the world with our own agenda and has been given the free will to create the experience and lessons we desire in order to evolve our soul?

Was it when our parents didn’t encourage us to take a road less traveled?  And could they have done so because maybe their parent(s) didn’t support them in their off-the-beaten-path choices?

Over the past decade I have experienced my kids making decisions and taking paths I would never have expected or signed them up for…but, thank God for their courage to continue to walk their own way and for my ability to understand that my part in their life is to encourage and support whatever their life’s calling might bring.

My eldest son, Nick, spent his youth going between two very different homes.  Though he had twice the parents most kids do (mom/dad/stepmom/stepdad) I believe that may have been a contributing factor to his feeling like he didn’t know exactly where he fit into the world.  As I have written over the years, Nick fell into addiction in his early 20s and [fortunately for all of us] through some trials and a lot of hard work on his part (mentally and physically), with our emotional support and encouragement along the way, at 30 he is almost eight years sober and has created a life for himself that, while not perfect (because who’s life is anyway), is one he is comfortable, productive, and sees a bright future in. 

I could not have predicted Nick would have to remake his life literally from the ground up in his 20s, but that’s what happened.  No mother I know would sign their child up for living through hitting rock bottom and losing a parent to the disease.  Soon to be married, he’s chosen a woman who compliments him and together they have discovered some new life interests…like parenting many an animal (birds/reptiles/rodents and my Granddog Jack) as well as a love of hammock camping!  Nick didn’t chose the college path but has found a way to turn his passion for computers and IT into a fruitful career.  Though there were years of uncertainty about the direction of his future,  I have found myself inspired regularly by Nick’s courage to continue to take his unique steps and create a life all his own.

My second eldest, Allen-Michael, did graduate into college and his move after finishing that step (including studying abroad and taking a year away after his sophomore year to do ministry) was to go to work for a 30-year-old Catholic ministry organization out of St. Paul, Minnesota called  NET (National Evangelical Team).  At the moment Allen-Michael is leading the expansion of that ministry into Scotland.  NET utilizes the talents of young adult Catholics to bring retreats to middle-school-aged kids to help them develop their faith in God.  No plans to marry, when Allen-Michael is done with this assignment in Scotland he feels called to enter the seminary and eventually be ordained a Catholic priest.

I’m really excited to see what the next three kids teach me about life’s path! I fully realize their paths are about them not me.  

Have you struggled with your child’s choices or what their future might bring?  If so, I’d love to hear your thoughts/feedback/questions!  Respond under comments or shoot me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.  

Filed Under: Parenting Blog, Parenting Teens, Parenting Today, Personal Development Tagged With: building trust, outcome, parenting advice, parenting teenagers, teenager, triggers, way

June 12, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

Be grateful for the struggle with your teen

It’s inevitable, and a necessary part of their growing up; our children gradually evolve into young people who form their own thoughts/opinions/experiences and paths.  But that doesn’t mean as their parent it isn’t hard to hear,  understand, or bare witness to it at times, right?

A chance exchange with an acquaintance last week at Target reminded me why it’s “in the struggle” we have the greatest opportunity to grow as people…and as parents.

Dad’s nightmare began one recent evening with an unexpected phone call from the local police letting him know his teen daughter had been caught drinking while at the home of a friend of hers…there was a lot of noise and kids running about the neighborhood, so a neighbor called…maybe you too have experienced this, or you know someone who has?

Dad admitted to me that he was struggling most with the embarrassment he was feeling around being called by the police.  He could not understand why his “level-headed” daughter had made the choice to go to the friend’s house (knowing the parents were out of town) to drink alcohol (knowing they’d talked about it and…he thought…agreed that she wasn’t going to drink during high school).  On top of that, he was appalled she was super “nonchalant” about the whole thing when he did go and pick her up.  She told him he was overreacting.

“I have no idea how to handle my anger and disappointment, not to mention my embarrassment about this!”

I asked him if he thought he was overreacting, like his daughter had suggested…

After thinking about it for a moment he said, “Maybe.  But I’m scared, now that she’s made this choice once, it could easily happen again…and what if she turns into a party girl who isn’t able to pull it together enough to get through high school and into college.  She’s got so much potential!”

His thoughts/feelings, while valid, aren’t helpful.  Because he’s operating out of fear.  The most productive attitude dad can take is to pause and be present.

The adolescent brain is a funny organ.  During these years our kids are going through all sorts of hormonal and brain change which often leads to social and emotional change/choices we [moms and dads] just do not see coming.  And because these wonderful kids are also more inclined to take risks while in the company of their peers, we’ve got to understand that our main role during this stage of their lives is to find a balance between allowing them to participate in social activities while also being aware of the potential for their choosing to do or say something we “know” in a million years they’d never do otherwise. And JUST AS IMPORTANT, we have to model the behavior we want to see in them.

You can’t say “don’t drink and drive” and then…drink and drive yourself.

Will not work.  They see, hear, understand, internalize much more than we give them credit for…long before the teen years.  But especially during this life stage.

A changing brain is not a teen’s licence to behave and then be excused from whatever choices they make during adolescence (which, remember, is now defined as ages 10-25), BUT it’s something we have to take into consideration as we work through an event (such as a drinking party) in moving forward with our teen.

I suggested dad process his anger, frustration, disappointment before sitting down with his daughter to talk about the party and her choices so that he would be present to her thoughts, feelings, feedback (instead of reacting from anger/frustraton/fear).  Then, together, with his wisdom at the helm, they could come up with a healthy compromise around her socializing the rest of the summer.  

Number one thing we’ve got to create as parents of adolescents is a true sense of energy around working WITH our kids; guiding them by being present of mind, and not fully influenced by our own angry/frustrated reaction.  Our kids need us to work WITH them; not control and parent OVER them…especially as they reach the upper high school and young adult years.

Want to learn more about how to work through your feelings in order to really be there for your teen?  Let’s talk…

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Filed Under: Parenting Blog, Parenting Teens, Parenting Today, Personal Development Tagged With: Be grateful for, parenting advice, parenting older children, parenting teenagers, struggle, teen

May 22, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to take my hindsight and make it your insight

 Photo credit:  Justin Tietsworth
Photo credit:  Justin Tietsworth

Learning from our experiences so they don’t show up in our lives again is a good idea, right?  The same can be said for how we respond when hearing about another family who has encountered a struggle like divorce, addiction, or suicide. Instead of looking for reasons, pointing fingers, making judgments, or spreading rumors, we can choose to use their challenge to incite awareness, potentially making positive changes to our parenting, and/or to open up conversations with our kids, and to lend a hand or say a prayer for the family involved.

How many times do you learn about a family in your community who is in the midst of a major trauma?  In the last week alone I heard about a 14-year-old girl who was accidentally run over and killed by a teammate, a 6th grade middle school student who hung himself, another middle schooler who attempted to take her life, and I heard about a bunch of teens caught for popping pills at prom.  That’s only the things I heard about…I imagine there were scads more tragedies involving kids in our area, not to mention around the country.

And you know, when we hear these stories about other families, the response tends to be…“Where were the parents?” “Why didn’t the parents know what was going on?!”

I believe [as parents] we do the best we can with what we know, and our life experience has great impact on how we raise our children.

I am going to share some hindsight about a time when my parenting, and our family, struggled.  I do this today, in the hopes that my hindsight will be your insight…maybe something I write here will cause you to rethink or respond differently when you hear about another family going through a crisis; or if you happen to the be “that family” today, you will have the courage to ask for guidance.

Let’s start with a very brief summary of my parenting challenge…Nine years ago this month (May, 2008), my eldest son Nick (20) called me from across the country to ask for help.  He was failing school, about to lose his job, and he was coming off of an alcohol binge not remembering the last 3 days of his life.  For me, this phone call was (almost) totally unexpected and started a series of spiraling events in his/our lives that lasted until May 2010 when he fully decided he wanted to create a life for himself that didn’t include alcohol or drugs.

Walking through the experience with my son, this is what I learned:

  1. Wasting time and energy wondering where I went “wrong” as a parent was not productive.  My son needed help, pronto!  All of my energy went into reaching out and learning about resources that could help him and our family deal with the circumstances in front of us.  I had no idea what addiction was, I had no friends who’d been through it that I could tap into.  I read every book I could get my hands on to help educate myself, the Internet (somewhat helpful) was both a blessing and curse while going through this situation.  There were indications of a problem before Nick’s call, but no more room for denial on my part.
  2. You cannot change someone else, no matter how desperately you want to do so.  We don’t have control over our children’s journeys. The more I tried to control the outcome; the more I realized how futile it was. All I could do was support and encourage my son along the path, never choosing to do something for him that he could do for himself.
  3. When a family member is in crisis…such as addiction, divorce, suicide…it’s a family problem.  It’s not something where you can just drop your kid off at the counselor’s office and say “fix him/her, I’ll be back in an hour.”  When one member of the family is broken, the family system suffers and working together is the only way to create lasting, positive change.
  4. You have to focus on your family and getting the help you need to become healthier individuals and to grow as a family unit. Blinders must go on when it comes to the looks or comments that might come your way from other people (sometimes well-meaning, sometimes ignorant).  Advice from others cannot substitute your best judgment and inner instincts in the course of action you take to channel through the challenge you are in.
  5. Every struggle you face…be it as a parent, a spouse, a human being has the ability to grow you as a person if you choose to make it a vehicle for change in your life.  The people I best connect with are those who have known struggle, been vulnerable, and are willing and humble to look within and become stronger as a result of the things they’ve had to face in life.

I can say, with 100% conviction, walking through addiction with my son was a blessing in disguise.  It could have turned out much differently, I know no matter what I’d say the same thing.  His challenge was the catalyst I needed to learn a great deal about becoming the parent he needed me to be while he was in turmoil.  The situation also gave me the opportunity to reevaluate my personal choices/beliefs and how I was parenting, and most of all it gave me the ability to be compassionate and without judgment for others who are facing any sort of personal or parenting challenge.

Our teenagers need us more than ever before.  They need us to be open-minded, connected to our own emotional life, and present to their needs as they come up.  They face outside influences and pressures we never had to.  It doesn’t have to take a tragedy to learn the lessons I have just shared or to take action to make changes in your family life, though there are no shortage of examples we can learn from everyday.

Be the parent you wish to be…what does that mean for you?  Maybe you’d like to be more patient, more understanding, more comfortable and connected around the people you brought into the world.  

I’m here and would be happy to help you along on your parenting journey!  Don’t wait, send me an email right now so we can connect!

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Thank you!

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Parenting Blog, Parenting Teens, Personal Development Tagged With: adolescent addiction, hindsight, insight, parenting teenagers

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Kim Muench



(972) 689-0250
realifeparentguide@gmail.com

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