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Who will you be after the quarantine?

AT THIS POINT WE KNOW we’re living through history, through an unprecedented global shift, through something our kid’s kids will tell their kids about and maybe even refer to as the Eternal Spring Break.

If you are like me, you’re still doing “all the things” (making meals, doing laundry, working two jobs, trying to keep tabs on your kids school work and bring them together for some quality family time), but as I’m doing the things I wonder how I can create a different life post quarantine, to make actual changes and shift my priorities so I can slow down the pace of my life and become more intentional with my time because I now fully realize how much I’ve been neglecting myself and our family in the pursuit of all the things.

The past month has been an uninterrupted opportunity to spend time with my husband and kids (15,17,22,26) by taking long walks, sitting down to dinner together, having movie and game nights, and dancing around the house in an effort to entertain ourselves and to remember what matters when you can’t go anywhere.  For the most part it’s been great for us, despite looming financial fear of how we’ll land on our feet after this quarantine shakes out.  Yet as good as it’s been for us, I know there are some families for whom the past weeks have served to highlight the brokenness that was barely noticeable in the previous hustle of everyday life.

One of the most important messages I’ve heard and tried to share during COVID is the importance of taking good care of yourself  so you can be the calm, present and emotionally stable adult in your child’s life while their world has been turned upside down.  Not always easy.  I really hope that you have found a way to give yourself some grace by sleeping in, reading that book you never had time for or watching that Netflix series you never thought you’d get around to.  Our kids really do need us to be well rested and patient so we’re willing and able to give them the extra time and attention they need right now…remember, we’re all new to this and no one is doing it perfectly.

One of the thoughts continuing to nag my gut is the fear that nothing of real consequence for families will actually change when the world starts up again…I worry that while we might keep up the extra connection for a few weeks, we’ll slowly go back to prioritizing the events, material goods/services, and meaningless accolades that have been adding clutter to our lives, stress to our days, and mindless chatter to our brains.

If you too are experiencing this pit in your stomach, I know what it is…it’s our souls screaming, “Pay Attention!”  Never have we been given such an obvious and drastic opportunity to gain some much needed perspective about life!

This.is.a.wake.up.call!

You see, life is not about “all the things”.  It’s about who we choose to be everyday and how we show up for ourselves and the most important people in our lives…our families, friends and communities.

It’s going to be difficult to resist the messages to “get back to the way things were” when restrictions lift, but I believe we can take the steps to reinvent a more intentional way of living. While there may be a certain comfort in returning to the old schedules…at some point we will realize we’ve abandoned our evolution in the name of the familiar culture of chaos we were living in.

It was not working for us and it wasn’t working for our kids as evidenced by the increase in mental health issues.

While doing all the things that need doing, I continue to ask myself, “How do I want my life to look after this and how do I have to grow so I can begin living that life?” 

If we take the time to do the quiet introspection I believe we’ll each find an answer as to how we can make changes post COVID for a peaceful pace prioritizing connection over achieving all the things.

I don’t think it has to be complicated…what if the shift comes down to a simple decision to say “No more! I am taking back my life and that of my family as well.”

The quarantine has stripped us of a lot of our exterior life, the relationship to ourselves and our relationship with others has become front and center.  In so many beautiful ways we’ve given to others during this time.  I believe you too can find the courage to sit in stillness and follow your inner wisdom to be more intentional with your time and to continue to build healthier connection to yourself and to your family.

There is a clear invitation every morning as we wake up and it feels like Groundhog’s Day once again:   Take a breath, take a moment, and take a step into reinventing the way you’re living life.

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Looking inside ourselves, why this is so scary

Looking inside of ourselves for answers to personal challenges takes guts.

It’s much easier to complain about an issue, or a person, or an outcome…placing blame on a variable outside of ourselves, than it is to acknowledge how our words, attitude, or actions may have contributed to the current status of our marriage, home life or even our career.

Looking inside means being really honest with ourselves.

Honesty = Vulnerability

By nature we see vulnerability as weakness.  Because some of our earliest experience has been that when we’ve truly shown ourselves, someone (maybe even someone we loved) has ridiculed, hurt, taken advantage of, possibly even abused or exploited us.  

We quickly learned it was necessary to hide ourselves behind a veil of what others wanted or needed for us to be, instead of what we believed we could, or desired to become.

Who we truly are may not be anything we even consciously remember at this point…instead, a general feeling of knowing it’s safer, and easier, to be who someone else expects us to be, or what society tells us we need to be, is more familiar than remaining true to our own heart.

Maybe we’ve even become complacent and indecisive, or unmotivated instead of standing in our own light and investigating completely who we are, regardless of the way others respond.

Our reaction to those moments so long ago, and in an effort to protect ourselves, we’ve learned to walk around inside our lives behind a wall of what is true. Personal protection looks different for each of us, but the common thread is it’s a lonely place to be.  

If we’re lucky, there comes a time when it’s more work and weight to pretend everything is okay ( or “great”) than we are willing to carry.

What is protecting myself from what others think or need from me costing ME?

And…

the decision to remember who you are, and what you want from the short opportunity called life, becomes greater than the desire to protect yourself.  

Even when you know the only way you will seek your truth is to lean in to the discomfort of evaluating, investigating, and creating who you are called to be.

Which equates to tossing off the mask, setting the shield aside, exposing what’s underneath.

And getting to work.

It will take time and energy.

Because you didn’t get to where you are today overnight.

It’s going to be a big step to reintegrate the YOU in you.

Taking my own advice,

I have spent the last several years intently working on a project.

Myself.  

And while I am no where near finished, I am about to take a big step forward.

Creating an event I know will be a game changer in my life.  

In the process of this “manifestation” I have had people fall away from me, I have had people appear (complete strangers) and rally for me…there were things I expected to come about that didn’t, and good fortune fell into my lap when it was least expected.

It’s been a labor of love…I’d even go so far as to call it the equivalent of giving birth.

In all of my imperfect glory, later this week I will walk up on the stage, pushing past any residual fear, and stepping into the passion of my life’s purpose.

Introducing a message of a gentler, completely different yet beautifully effective, approach to raising children today.

For connected, healthier, brighter family life tomorrow.

Because the seeds of who our children will become begins with who you and I are as parents.

If you live in the Dallas area, I’d like to invite you to join me this Thursday, May 5th, for an event called, The Awakened Family:  Supercharging the Parent/Child Relationship.  

My favorite parenting author, and someone whose work has changed my life, Dr. Shefali Tsabary, will be speaking to moms and dads, educators and mental health professionals about building deeper, stronger connections with our kids through conscious parenting.

If you do not live in the area, or cannot make it to this event, I encourage you to check out her website and pick up her book(s) starting with The Conscious Parent.

It’s been a gradual process, but when I let go of what others thought and who I felt they needed me to be, continually stepping back into my own skin, I learned what a beautiful thing it is to be 

Me.

Which is the most inspiring thing I can bring to my purpose.

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Life is full of change, but what happens if it’s too close for comfort?

“Watch out, pretty soon you won’t even know who I am anymore,” I said as he passed my desk.

“I already feel that way,”  my husband responded. (In a tone that let me know he wasn’t kidding).

Ouch.  The truth, while at times painful, is nonetheless, still the truth.

And he’s right, over the past few years…heck, maybe even more so over the last few months, I have made some fairly dramatic changes in my thinking about some key areas of my life. 

This picture of the six of us is from several years ago, not long after we moved from Wisconsin to Texas.  It was taken at a time when, for me, personal growth really began.  I started to spend more time pondering what was important to me, what I really believed about marriage, motherhood, and the kind of imprint I wanted to make…coincidentally, it was also a time when I began to change the type of music I listened to, and the books I read.

Maybe taking a closer look at myself was because I’d recently been through a personal struggle with my son, or because moving across the country and settling our family in a new place was more of a challenge than I thought it would be, or even because I was new to my forties and felt confident, for the first time ever, to really explore how I felt about life and what I had to offer it, and it had to offer me.

Quite possibly the decision to have a growth spurt was a combination of all three of these things.

Either way, the most important things I have discovered about me, thanks to new music, book reading, and choosing to surround myself more and more with people who think as I do, are the following:

  1. Life is short, even if at times it feels unending.  I am convinced each of us is alive for a reason, and if you can figure out what makes your heart sing, chances are what you’re here for has something to do with sharing that.  For me it’s parenting…a passion to listen to others struggles, offer encouragement, and practice forgiving myself when I mess up with my own family.  Because they will tell you I do that.
  2. Feeling alone at times in your own skin is preferable to being in a crowd having to pretend who you are.  As I have come to know who I am, and what I believe in more concretely, I have also had to make a choice:  be me at home, and who someone else wants or needs me to be out in public, or stay home more often and honor the fact that I’d rather have a few close friends than a bunch of acquaintances who never get past surface talk.  I LOVE to connect with other people, but not about things that aren’t important to my life…like having the latest stuff, or getting to go on a lot of fancy vacations.
  3. It doesn’t matter if I don’t believe there is a heaven or hell, my life will be lived and/or look the same either way.  Will I find out someday I am wrong about what the end of life really brings…maybe…but, my day to day endeavors, and the role model I am for my family isn’t going to look any different whether I’m right or wrong about what happens at death.
  4. People admire honesty and vulnerability.  I have heard from many people over the past several years since I have published my thoughts, the majority of which have been positive, at least in terms of appreciating my candor and by helping them to look at a topic of interest in another light.  Whether we agree, or agree to disagree on a blog post, I value those same qualities in everyone I come in contact with.  There is strength in vulnerability, hiding your weaknesses only gives them strength.
  5. Life is about change and growth.  How much fun could stagnant be?  In a career, a relationship, a life path.  

Some of the things about this picture of me are the same…my hairline is receding, I still own the same cotton shift dress from Kohls Department Store, and my smile still beams bright.  

Some of the things on the inside are different.  And I imagine the changes I have made, the voice I have gained, and the direction I intend to continue may not look at all like the woman my husband married…or even the one he renewed his vows with at the twenty year mark, but I can’t unsee, or unhear, or undo what’s been seen, heard, and done in and through my life over the past few years.

I can only hope he will continue to love and appreciate my evolving self.

 

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We don’t wait for God to do things, He waits for us to be ready.

Look at this beautiful picture of the vibrant fall color Allen-Michael sent me from his campus in the Twin Cities.  It reminds me of the one constant in life, which is change.  And whether it’s the color of the leaves, or the season of our life, God doesn’t always honor our desire for change as quickly as we might like.

In the last week alone I have spoken with a number of people who are waiting for things to get better or to change direction…a divorce to become less bitter, a home to sell so the family can move on, a new career to appear so as to satisfy our often unquenchable desire to live a happy, productive, passionate life.

If this would just happen, then I could do this/feel this/become this…

I am in the middle of my own desire for change, one I truly believe God is behind.  However, it requires the financial resources we don’t currently possess.  Which is, quite frankly, a common theme of my life. As I pray for a solution, I have been reflecting on the psychic reading I had in 2014, when I asked the woman if I was on the right path in my life, this is what she told me:

 “we don’t wait for God to create change in our life, God waits for us to be ready…you cannot move on until you let the Universe (God) know you are ready to accept the next step on your journey.”

So, why is it that if we appear to be so “ready” (by constantly asking for change, praying about change, begging for a change) God doesn’t appear to be listening?!

Maybe, maybe we THINK we’re ready, but we really aren’t.

My desire for change to happen right now pulls me away from remembering to be grateful for the life I am living today.   I am acutely aware I have a passionate drive to do more, and though I am committed to making the investment of time and energy, I lack the ability to proceed.

What I lack, God will provide.

I truly believe this.

That when I am ready, in His eyes, the change will manifest itself.

That is faith.

Believing what you cannot see.

God will provide the resource I need to take the next step in His divine timing.  I will rest in the knowledge God is good…all the time, because just like in this picture of the beautiful fall leaves, God’s light shines through in the midst of the darkest shadows which is right where we cultivate the most profound personal growth.

I am ready God, when you are ready to provide.

All is well.

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(972) 689-0250
realifeparentguide@gmail.com