February 1, 2021 by Kim Leave a Comment

Parenting: The Best “How to Grow Yourself Up” experience ever!

Carrie* walks into her daughter’s bedroom to wake her up for school because once again she’s slept through her alarm. Trying to sound cheerful, she gently rubs her sixteen-year-old’s arm and says, “Bridget,* it’s time to get moving honey.” Immediately Bridget begins to bark her usual response, “God Mom, why do you have to wake me up like that I HATE it when you touch me! Leave me alone!” Carrie’s body goes stiff, the back of her neck begins to tingle…this is what she expected, but not what she wanted to start her day with again. Triggered, she retorts in a condescending tone, “Well Bridget, if you were a little more responsible you’d be able to get yourself up and moving without my having to come in here every damn day!”

You may initially want to slap me for saying this but…Nobody tells you how much motherhood will be the best way to grow yourself up. No one talks about what you can really learn in the years between your child’s arrival and their launch.

And, nobody (before me, before today) shares the true secret to motherhood: raising human beings is our greatest opportunity to identify and work through the limiting beliefs we unconsciously took on as children.

And these beliefs will be triggered at any given moment by our kid’s behavior.

Say what?!?!?!?!

What the hell is a limiting belief?

When you were a child you picked up subtle cues from your parents, grandparents, siblings, teachers (all of the important people in your world) about how to act and what you should say in order to feel their love. Even if they said they loved you unconditionally. Most of us spent a lot of our childhood performing to get our parent’s love and acceptance.

At our core, we do not want to be abandoned by the people we love the most. And every human born comes into the world with six basic emotional needs. We work hard to get those met through our words and behavior. What are our basic emotional needs? They are acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and what Dr. Brené Brown says we’re all wired for…connection.

Every one of us has limiting beliefs. Even if you had the most woke, present, emotionally intelligent parents! The question is whether or not you are aware of them and then, taking it another step, if you decide to do anything about shifting the ones that are triggering you.

What’s a trigger?

An emotional trigger is anything — including memories, experiences, or events — that spark an intense emotional reaction, regardless of your current mood.

Many moms know they are being triggered by the people they love the most, but they don’t ever take the time or invest the energy to question and then to create new, more accurate beliefs to better serve themselves and their kids.

The women I work with have found the courage to look at the beliefs they hold about themselves because they know those beliefs are blocking their full potential and they’re tired of it; they want more from their lives.

As Carrie and I worked together she was able to understand her value as a person and become less reactive to Bridget. When that happened (by becoming the calm in Bridget’s storm) her daughter learned how to regulate her emotions as well.

*These are not their real names.

What do limiting beliefs look and feel like in parenting?

Some typical triggers: feeling disrespected when your son doesn’t obey curfew (tripping the deeper need in you to feel seen/heard/accepted). Becoming deeply hurt when your daughter rolls her eyes at you for the first time (on the surface you may feel or say you’re annoyed but below the surface is your desire for appreciation and connection).

Think about the frustration coursing through your body every time the door to their room slams because you’ve doled out another rule in an effort to protect your teenager…if not from others, then certainly from themselves. That anxiety is a surface reaction to a deeper trigger of [as a parent] you are not enough or the job you’re doing as a parent is not good enough.

Evading curfew, the eye rolls, wearing a revealing tube top, door slamming, and dying one’s hair blue are examples of our teenager’s attempts to individuate and build autonomy (it could also very well be a way to seek attention or affection). As the parent, this behavior is an assault on our desire to feel seen and heard. We equate the way our kids show up in the world as a direct reflection of how good a parent we are, in other words, how valuable we are as a human being.

Our deep need to be seen and heard comes from not having had enough of that experience as a child. Let’s face it, even if our parents doted on us they didn’t get it right 100% of the time. I know my parents didn’t. They did the best they could with what they knew and based on their own growing up experience. This is why we react now by feeling angry, disappointed, and/or disrespected when our kids trigger us.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

So, how can you stop getting triggered by your kid’s behavior?

Personally join me for my 8-week online course Becoming Me While Raising You, A Mother’s Journey to Self. Together, in a small group of women (think handful) we will uncover your limiting beliefs and shift them into healthier ones! We’ll also look at consistent boundary setting, building trust with your teen, creating open communication at home, how to know when to lean in and fix something in your teen’s life and when to let the natural consequences of their choices teach them.

We meet on Zoom either Tuesday mornings (10 a.m. CST) or Thursday evenings (7:30 p.m. CST). Eight weeks to new beliefs, confident parenting skills, sharper intuition, and a more peaceful home life. I’ll be right there to guide you every step of the way. Text me at 972-689-0250 or sign up through the link above to grab your spot. This is an ongoing enrollment so any week you want to begin you can, you just have to commit for 8 straight weeks.

April 17, 2020 by Kim Leave a Comment

Who will you be after the quarantine?

AT THIS POINT WE KNOW we’re living through history, through an unprecedented global shift, through something our kid’s kids will tell their kids about and maybe even refer to as the Eternal Spring Break.

If you are like me, you’re still doing “all the things” (making meals, doing laundry, working two jobs, trying to keep tabs on your kids school work and bring them together for some quality family time), but as I’m doing the things I wonder how I can create a different life post quarantine, to make actual changes and shift my priorities so I can slow down the pace of my life and become more intentional with my time because I now fully realize how much I’ve been neglecting myself and our family in the pursuit of all the things.

The past month has been an uninterrupted opportunity to spend time with my husband and kids (15,17,22,26) by taking long walks, sitting down to dinner together, having movie and game nights, and dancing around the house in an effort to entertain ourselves and to remember what matters when you can’t go anywhere. For the most part it’s been great for us, despite looming financial fear of how we’ll land on our feet after this quarantine shakes out. Yet as good as it’s been for us, I know there are some families for whom the past weeks have served to highlight the brokenness that was barely noticeable in the previous hustle of everyday life.

One of the most important messages I’ve heard and tried to share during COVID is the importance of taking good care of yourself so you can be the calm, present and emotionally stable adult in your child’s life while their world has been turned upside down. Not always easy. I really hope that you have found a way to give yourself some grace by sleeping in, reading that book you never had time for or watching that Netflix series you never thought you’d get around to. Our kids really do need us to be well rested and patient so we’re willing and able to give them the extra time and attention they need right now…remember, we’re all new to this and no one is doing it perfectly.

One of the thoughts continuing to nag my gut is the fear that nothing of real consequence for families will actually change when the world starts up again…I worry that while we might keep up the extra connection for a few weeks, we’ll slowly go back to prioritizing the events, material goods/services, and meaningless accolades that have been adding clutter to our lives, stress to our days, and mindless chatter to our brains.

If you too are experiencing this pit in your stomach, I know what it is…it’s our souls screaming, “Pay Attention!” Never have we been given such an obvious and drastic opportunity to gain some much needed perspective about life!

This.is.a.wake.up.call!

You see, life is not about “all the things”. It’s about who we choose to be everyday and how we show up for ourselves and the most important people in our lives…our families, friends and communities.

It’s going to be difficult to resist the messages to “get back to the way things were” when restrictions lift, but I believe we can take the steps to reinvent a more intentional way of living. While there may be a certain comfort in returning to the old schedules…at some point we will realize we’ve abandoned our evolution in the name of the familiar culture of chaos we were living in.

It was not working for us and it wasn’t working for our kids as evidenced by the increase in mental health issues.

While doing all the things that need doing, I continue to ask myself, “How do I want my life to look after this and how do I have to grow so I can begin living that life?”

If we take the time to do the quiet introspection I believe we’ll each find an answer as to how we can make changes post COVID for a peaceful pace prioritizing connection over achieving all the things.

I don’t think it has to be complicated…what if the shift comes down to a simple decision to say “No more! I am taking back my life and that of my family as well.”

The quarantine has stripped us of a lot of our exterior life, the relationship to ourselves and our relationship with others has become front and center. In so many beautiful ways we’ve given to others during this time. I believe you too can find the courage to sit in stillness and follow your inner wisdom to be more intentional with your time and to continue to build healthier connection to yourself and to your family.

There is a clear invitation every morning as we wake up and it feels like Groundhog’s Day once again: Take a breath, take a moment, and take a step into reinventing the way you’re living life.

March 13, 2020 by Kim Leave a Comment

COVID-19 and family life: How to make the best of this situation

A week ago, I was literally snickering…I’m a very level-headed, laid-back individual and what I was experiencing through social media and in conversations with others appeared to be a gross overreaction (to say the least), I mean hand sanitizer, toilet paper and Airbourne flying off the shelves, activities canceling, emails from the local public school district talking about new policies regarding their cleaning practices seemed way out of whack. COVID-19 is something happening mainly elsewhere, why do we have our undies in a bundle?

And as of this writing, I am still hoping it is out of whack.

Whether we actually get hit with epidemic numbers of COVID-19 cases or not, this situation is getting many of us to think about several things, like how much we outsource products used daily and how often we don’t recognize what we have until it’s no longer an option, how we take for granted our school schedule including the care/food provided for so many who will now have to figure out how to work and take care of their kids during the day, and maybe most of all…how quickly life can change.

We can choose to look at this evolving global situation as something that is happening to us, or as something that is happening FOR us.

At the moment, the extreme travel restrictions, the closings, the being told to stay home have had some immediate consequences for our family and likely for yours as well. We had a cruise planned for the end of March that won’t be taken, our two older boys who were going to be home for a week from college on Spring Break will likely now be home much longer, my husband (who owns a travel business) will have some significant setbacks to overcome, the children’s hospital I work at has implemented some strict changes (just waiting to see if any of those involve more than my rescheduling a few major events), and though I haven’t heard if our high school kids will get an extended break from school yet, I am expecting that will be the case.

It would be really easy to get stuck in a negative thought pattern about how this will affect our family financially and in ways I can’t even imagine at the moment, but I want to pause and remind all of us who have lived through major tragedy or serious life-altering events before (think 9/11, SARS, Hurricane Katrina, the housing crash of 2008, H1N1, the Sandy Hook Elementary school shooting, the mass shooting in Las Vegas…) that it is, in these times, when we move through the fear, we come together and remember we are all one. This is when humanity really shines!

The coming weeks are an opportunity to reconnect with our families, to take a breath from the sometimes-insane pace of life we expect ourselves to rise to, to wave to our neighbors, to pay it forward by allowing someone else to go first or by sharing a roll of toilet paper.

You watch, while we don’t yet know exactly how bad things might get…there will (and have been already) multiple situations each of us will come to learn and be a part of that will highlight our human side, the side where we work together for the greater good, this…THIS is what gives us perspective and neutralizes our fear and calls us into our higher selves.

COVID-19 is giving us the opportunity to choose staying present over future-tripping. Becoming gounded or feeding our anxiety. Adopting gratitude over greed.

Take this moment in time to be still and stay here, look for the good and let it remind you of what is truly important in this human experience.

December 27, 2017 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to be less “judgy” in the New Year

Scrolling through my Facebook News Feed the other day I discovered that (once again) I was judging other people’s posts.

I find that I am critical about the content…judging whether or not the information should actually be shared publicly (there’s nothing I hate more then to be scrolling through and stumble onto a post by someone who feels compelled to tell the world their kid was puking all night long…or they were up puking all night). I have been known to criticize women who have taken selfies from a position that obviously indicates they are desperately in need of boosting their self-image. Even-less-than-stellar are the moments when I am casually flipping through and see an entry that immediately makes me think, “There he goes again, posting his kid’s accomplishment for the millionth time…it’s like he needs pat-on-the-back for his parenting, give me a break.”

Did I just describe you? Could you be like me and find yourself judging others (whether through social media posts or otherwise)?

Or maybe you are the person taking the selfie, sharing the story about lice invading your home, or posting a kudos for yourself because your son got accepted into the college of your dreams?

Though it’s tempting to play high and mighty the reality is I have been on both sides of the judgment fence MANY times.

I am completely guilty of sharing information and pictures others could care less about. I have totally shared images of myself when I thought, “Damn girl you look pretty good for nearing 50!” AND…I have definitely posted some things about my kids that might lead you to believe they are angels ALL THE TIME, indicating I am the Mother Teresa of parenting.

Why do we do this? Why do we judge other people about their life and shares when we are [or, at least I am] JUST AS GUILTY of doing the same thing?!

If I said it was human nature to judge others would that excuse the behavior?

Of course not.

I honestly don’t believe human beings are capable of completely throwing all judgment out the window…BUT, I do believe I can do better at releasing the negative commentary that sometimes runs through my brain and I have decided it’s my new years goal to work on this.

Is lightening up on judging others something you’d like to work on this year as well?

If that’s the case, below is the plan I will follow to help me stay true to my word to work on ridding myself of an excess of the judgment bug, maybe these suggestions can help you as well:

Kim’s plan for becoming “less judgy” in the new year…

ACKNOWLEDGE the problem (BOOM, I just did that). It’s impossible to change something (a) you don’t think you have a problem with, or (b) doesn’t bother you enough to care to do anything about even when it hits your radar. The bottom line is it bothers me that I spend as much precious time as I do judging others. At the end of the day what difference does it make if Suzie Q needs the image boost so she posts a selfie, right? Or that John’s proud his kid got into his alma mater? Live and let live! Think not the least of others (that they are looking for attention in some way), but of their best intention…
Move into AWARENESS. I can just hear myself thinking,“Hey there sister you’re being judgy again!” Now that I see this is a problem in my life I can begin to recognize each time it’s happening. I know with other areas of my life when I took this step I got better at discovering the behavior so I know soon I will be able to spot it more quickly and move into the next step…
ASK. I will find the courage to ask myself (with curiosity)each time I notice myself judging, what am I getting out of being critical of another person in this moment? Does it make me feel better about myself to put others down? If so, why? Am I jealous? If so, why? Am I lonely? Why? Figure it out. Self-reflection goes a long way toward shifting habits and behavior!
REDIRECT. Once I have uncovered the why behind the judgment, I will redirect myself into more positive behavior. I can turn away from social media at that time, I can find a positive counter point to my negativity about the particular post (“she actually does look pretty stink’n good for her age”), I will ask myself if this behavior is really who I want to be in the world.
MOVE ON WITH GRACE. Like I said, I don’t think human beings can ever completely negate all judgment, so when it does happen I will go through the steps above and then forgive myself. I will remind myself being less “judgy,” like so many other behaviors in life, is a practice.

It’s easy to judge; it’s harder to expect more from yourself and to raise your level of consciousness to include an open-minded, well-intentioned view of others. Judge if you must, but do so tenderly knowing there is always more to the story than what you see right in front of you.

Here’s to a new year filled with more compassion, grace, and positive thoughts…because goodness knows the world needs it…