teenager Archives - Real Life Parent Guide

September 4, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to draw the line with your teenager

“How the hell am I supposed to believe a word that comes out of his mouth?!” Her frustration was clear…she was beyond angry with her teenage son because his lying was out of control. She was looking to me to help her understand (a) why he was lying all the time and (b) what she was supposed to do to correct the problem. This was not only hurting their relationship, but his lies were beginning to wreak havoc on her marriage because she and her husband did not see eye to eye on what to do about the issue.

The first step was to have Mom ask herself why her son might be lying. I told her in order to do that, she’d have to set aside feeling betrayed for a moment and honestly get curious about what she thought he had to gain by lying to her about everything from where he was going to why the money in his bank account was disappearing.

One obvious reason…he may be lying to escape the consequences of his actions, right? Another possible reason for his lies could be, in his eyes, her son doesn’t feel there is any room in the relationship for him to make mistakes. Maybe his lies started out small and harmless enough, but have now [over time] developed into a situation that he knows causes constant anger, lectures, distrust…maybe he feels there is no going back, or it would be too hard to turn things around at this point.

Either way, I understood Mom’s frustration but needed her to take a step back emotionally to look at the situation from her son’s perspective.

I run into a lot of parents who believe their teens are doing things to them when in actuality, their kids have made an unwise choice that has consequences they didn’t see coming, and rather than being honest and admitting the mistake (and possibly listening to some intense scrutiny and dealing with the consequences) just continue down the path because they don’t see a way out.

Believe it or not, telling the truth all of a sudden (when asked over and over again) doesn’t seem like a viable option.

If you want your son or daughter to be truthful you’ve got to be open to the fact that they’re going to make some mistakes during this often confusing time in their lives. And when they do, you’re responsible for creating an atmosphere that allows them to feel like they can come clean and not be shamed.

When you look back at your own teen years and you messed up, what happened? Were your mistakes and bad choices met with anger and criticism? Were you made to feel like garbage…or, did your parent(s) talk with you about the consequences of the choice you made and help you look at where you (if you were able to go back) could do things differently?

You know… so you could actually learn from the choices you’d made.

Because if your parents made you feel like crap for your behavior or choices during your teen years, my guess is you don’t know how to respond to your son or daughter any differently. You might even feel justified in responding the same way your parents did.

Ouch, that hurt.

But, ask yourself, if you were doing what your kid is doing at this moment what would be helpful to you?

I’m not saying there shouldn’t ever be consequences for kid’s actions, I’m just saying don’t take everything your teen does as a personal assault against you and your ability to parent.

This is a time when they are trying things on…everything from personality traits to hairstyles.

Another area you’ve gotta get clear on as a parent (and as a couple, if it applies) is what your expectations are. And, just like when they were toddlers, you have to consistently (in word and action) talk about and model these things with your kids.

For example…lying. In this family, we don’t lie. There is nothing you could do or say that would cause you to lose my love, therefore, lying is not an option. We don’t lie to you (make sure you are telling 100% truth here because kids will wave the bullshit flag with their words and/or behavior if you aren’t on the up and up) and we expect the same from you. There is nothing you could ever tell me that would be worse for our relationship than my finding out you lied to me. We can work through anything as long as you tell the truth.

Mom and Dad…you’ve got to live this out and be the example of truth and unconditional love. And if you mess up, own it. Your teen has to believe you are truly on their side and have a deep desire to set them up for success in life.

No anger, just clarity, and living by example.

Your teenager needs you in their life…be there to guide them, not rule over them and take everything they say and do during this decade so personally like it’s a direct reflection on you.

If you need help contact me.

May 21, 2018 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to be a fantastic parent to your teenager…

Dear Disappointed/Overwhelmed/ Angry/Frustrated Parent of a Teenager,

Would you like to know the secret(s) to enjoying your kids through their adolescence? Would you like to get along with your son or daughter while they go from puberty to independence?

Awesome!

Because they sure need you right now.

I am going to give you the answer to this because I have been living it out for the past decade and I see and work with so many parents who are stressed out, anxious, and at their wits end…I want to share with you how I truly enjoy guiding kids through adolescence in the hopes it will inspire you to work toward the same end.

First and foremost, there are a few things you will need to do differently. By that I mean you’ll need to do them in a different way than your parents did while raising you. Because you see, the way our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents parented does not work well with kids today.

To evolve your parenting into what will give you the healthiest, happiest outcome, you will need to release some baggage that isn’t serving you or your child and, at this point (whether you want to believe it or not) is the main reason you are white knuckling it through this decade+ of your child’s development.

Looking back at your childhood is a KEY step to shifting any challenges you face with your teenager right now.

In addition to recognizing the need to parent differently during the teen years, here are a few of the other things I do to really enjoy my kids (who, at this point, are middle school/high school/college/young adult career/and 30-something married):

STOP LISTENING to the messages our culture tells parents, directly and subliminally, about what our kids “should” and “shouldn’t” be doing/accomplishing/checking off in order for them to become “successful” adults. Most of it is b.s. We [parents] get as many messages and pressure tactics from the media, school, neighbors (the ones we’re trying to keep up with), and well-intentioned family members as our kids do! The anxiety this stirs up inside of parents that their kid isn’t “measuring up” is hurting family life because the parent/child relationship is being built upon our kids having to perform for love and acceptance. Sure, we say we love them unconditionally, but they know (because they can feel it inside of themselves) that if they don’t come through in whatever way we’ve decided is so important they won’t be good enough. This is where the feeling of unworthiness is born. Our kids are working at living out our agenda for them, trying to meet our expectations, instead of doing what they came into the world to work through…to evolve into the very best version of themselves. Which, quite frankly, may look nothing like you think it should look.
START LISTENING to your child, it’s amazing how much brutal honesty comes from their mouths and their behavior. This isn’t about whipping them into shape…my God, if your child is misbehaving in your eyes (anger issues, anxiety, stressed out, drinking/drugging, screwing around at age 13/14/15) this is a CALL FOR HELP, not a slap in your face. Don’t waste time trying to track their every text and movement…start thinking about, and talking with them about, what’s going on for them and what is behind their choice to self-medicate or find love and affection in ways that will limit their potential. You’ve got to do this in a way that let’s them know you are on their side and not coming from trying to control or power over them. And please, if you are struggling to gain ground, seek professional help!
DISAPPOINTMENT DOES NOT BELONG ANYWHERE IN PARENTING. I’ve thought about this for a long time and I truly believe being disappointed in your son or daughter for any reason, whether you say it directly to them or they can just feel it coming through your energy, is one of the worst things a parent can do because it shames the child and pulls them away from their highest intentions. There is NOTHING the kids I birthed could ever say or do that would cause me to feel disappointed. They are NOT here to please me. I called them into the world and their only “job” is to experience life while reflecting back to me the opportunity to evolve myself in that process.
BE VULNERABLE. Let your kids know when you’ve messed up, they need to know you’re human. Go ahead and share that the topic you want to discuss with them makes you feel uncomfortable. The more honest you can be with them the more honest they will feel they can be with you.
LAUGH A LITTLE! A sense of humor will go far with teens. Instead of lecturing them to death (and it falling on deaf ears) be willing to make a point in a playful way:

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YOU, YOU, YOU…sometimes it’s all about you. I can’t stress this enough. When I started to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually my relationship with my kids grew stronger. CHOOSE to do this without any guilt. I know it’s cliche, but think about the cabin pressure mask on a plane story…you literally cannot give others what you don’t have. For me this practice includes running several times a week, daily meditation, feeding my mind with positive books/t.v. programming/podcasts. One of my current favorite podcasts is called What Were You Thinking?! It’s a FANTASTIC look at adolescents and why they make the choices they do.
NOT YOU, NOT YOU, NOT YOU…distance yourself from taking what your teen says too seriously. Parents often take their kids angry words too much to heart. If you are going to have a mutually respectful relationship it’s gotta start with you. Building (or keeping) a connected relationship with your teenager is more important than their behavior being exactly what you need it to be.

And finally, my last bit of sharing because this is truly what I do with our kids: Detach from the outcome. Work on building a connection with them so they feel like they can come to you and you would never judge them. There are some very diverse beliefs about politics, religion, and lifestyle choices among our group of seven…I embrace every single one of them.

If I can help or support you on your parenting journey in any way, please reach out.

Kim Muench

Founder, Real Life Parent Guide

972-689-0250

January 19, 2018 by Kim Muench 4 Comments

The best way to deal with your adolescent…detach from the outcome.

If you had asked me a decade ago, when my kids were between the ages of two and twenty, whether I had any expectations for their adult lives I would have something trite like “It doesn’t matter to me, I just want them to be happy.“

Because as parents that’s what we want for our kids, right?

But as kids develop intellectually, emotionally, and socially during adolescence, they often make a choice (or two…), behave out of character, or show up one day as someone you’ve never seen before and this can trigger the realization that you do actually have an opinion and some underlying expectations about how you think their life should flow.

Most parents I know believe high school graduates into college, then comes a solid job search which brings financial stability, at some point son/daughter finds a partner, they marry and buy a starter home which may come after renting for awhile and getting past some student debt, they usually start a family…smile, happy face, blah blah blah.

But, what happens when they don’t step seamlessly onto that path? My experience is parents will often become angry and/or frustrated with their son or daughter…rolling their eyes and telling friends they can’t believe their kid is taking six months (a year) off from life to “find themselves.” Sometimes parents may lose sleep wondering what will happen to their child’s future and may look for where they’ve gone wrong because their child isn’t “on the path” to a happy life.

Not me. When life started unfolding differently than I “expected” for my kids I decided to embrace the most valuable parenting lesson of my life.

I learned to let go and detach from their outcome.

When did we forget that our kids didn’t come into the world to live out our fantasies about who they are meant to become? When did we forget that each of us comes into the world with our own agenda and has been given the free will to create the experience and lessons we desire in order to evolve our soul?

Was it when our parents didn’t encourage us to take a road less traveled? And could they have done so because maybe their parent(s) didn’t support them in their off-the-beaten-path choices?

Over the past decade I have experienced my kids making decisions and taking paths I would never have expected or signed them up for…but, thank God for their courage to continue to walk their own way and for my ability to understand that my part in their life is to encourage and support whatever their life’s calling might bring.

My eldest son, Nick, spent his youth going between two very different homes. Though he had twice the parents most kids do (mom/dad/stepmom/stepdad) I believe that may have been a contributing factor to his feeling like he didn’t know exactly where he fit into the world. As I have written over the years, Nick fell into addiction in his early 20s and [fortunately for all of us] through some trials and a lot of hard work on his part (mentally and physically), with our emotional support and encouragement along the way, at 30 he is almost eight years sober and has created a life for himself that, while not perfect (because who’s life is anyway), is one he is comfortable, productive, and sees a bright future in.

I could not have predicted Nick would have to remake his life literally from the ground up in his 20s, but that’s what happened. No mother I know would sign their child up for living through hitting rock bottom and losing a parent to the disease. Soon to be married, he’s chosen a woman who compliments him and together they have discovered some new life interests…like parenting many an animal (birds/reptiles/rodents and my Granddog Jack) as well as a love of hammock camping! Nick didn’t chose the college path but has found a way to turn his passion for computers and IT into a fruitful career. Though there were years of uncertainty about the direction of his future, I have found myself inspired regularly by Nick’s courage to continue to take his unique steps and create a life all his own.

My second eldest, Allen-Michael, did graduate into college and his move after finishing that step (including studying abroad and taking a year away after his sophomore year to do ministry) was to go to work for a 30-year-old Catholic ministry organization out of St. Paul, Minnesota called NET (National Evangelical Team). At the moment Allen-Michael is leading the expansion of that ministry into Scotland. NET utilizes the talents of young adult Catholics to bring retreats to middle-school-aged kids to help them develop their faith in God. No plans to marry, when Allen-Michael is done with this assignment in Scotland he feels called to enter the seminary and eventually be ordained a Catholic priest.

I’m really excited to see what the next three kids teach me about life’s path! I fully realize their paths are about them not me.

Have you struggled with your child’s choices or what their future might bring? If so, I’d love to hear your thoughts/feedback/questions! Respond under comments or shoot me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

November 3, 2016 by Kim Muench Leave a Comment

How to parent your teenager better in 3 steps…

It’s flattering when someone mentions our child’s likeness to us. Be it a physical feature, or an athletic ability…their kind ways, or free spirit…it’s natural to feel a sense of pride and connection when someone randomly comments on specific similarities between you and your teen. Likely you have already noticed characteristics, physical or otherwise, between yourself and your son or daughter (or between your spouse and teen) over the years as well. I know certain facial expressions and mannerisms each of my boys make totally remind me of their dad.

But, what happens if you begin to see attributes or behavior in your adolescent that remind you of you [at their age] and it isn’t so favorable? I know for me this triggers anxiety, I want to stop, or redirect my child from the (potentially unhealthy) behaviors and choices I made when I was young. This too is natural, and something to keep very present of mind, especially as kids progress through the teen years.

Here is a situation that totally triggered me last week…

Stopping by her room at bedtime, Mia said she had something to share with me. Because she was holding my phone, I knew it had to be social media related. My daughter then showed me a screen with a very short, totally innocent, back and forth exchange between she and a boy from school. Then she said, “I think he likes me.”

Immediately my mouth went dry and my heart raced…

She said it in a way that was matter-of-fact, not in a way that would convey she cared one way or another about the idea.

Oh my God, she’s not ready for this!

I’M NOT READY FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just as quickly, every unhealthy choice, misstep, and consequence I ever made with the opposite sex flooded my memory and I panicked at the thought of my daughter having anything other than a friendship with a boy…especially during middle school.

Lucky for me I have learned in thirty years of parenting that panicking is the LAST thing I should do at this moment.

Mia offered some additional information about the conversations they have had during ELA. It was during that time I mentally peeled myself the rest of the way off of her bedroom ceiling, and then shared with her it can be flattering to receive attention from a boy. I remind her how important friends of the opposite sex can be…there’s a lot to learn from boys (even though she’s got four brothers, they don’t really count). I tell her dad and I agree anything other than friendships during middle school is something we won’t endorse. But, once she is old enough to vote (just kidding), we can absolutely revisit the topic.

A little while later, as my husband and I were drifting off to sleep, I told him about our daughter and her classmate. I totally admit my fears about Mia making the same poor choices I did during her own adolescence. Looking back I know I said and did things against what I knew was right in order to gain popularity, or because I didn’t know what to do in a specific situation so I just “went with it”….NOT making a choice is also making a choice. I remind Tom how incredibly important he is to Mia during this time in her life and how, even if he feels uncomfortable, I really need him to stay involved and continue to build a strong relationship with her. And, I would really like him to find a way to reiterate my statement about not dating in middle school.

I continue to talk to myself out loud (because at this point he was quietly snoring…not because he doesn’t care, but because he had been awake since 4:30 a.m.), I reassure myself that Mia and I have really good communication (after all, she came to me with this information), and I am working everyday at having the kind of hard, awkward conversations that my parents didn’t (or couldn’t) even attempt, and that HER life is not MY life.

One of the most important things we can do as parents of tweens and teens is to pause when a situation that reminds us of ourselves, or one that triggers us, takes place.

When your child triggers you, be it in anger/frustration/anxiety/disappointment the first (and best) step to take is to PAUSE. Do not feel like you have to react immediately to an unkind word or action your teen may direct at you because you have taken something they’ve done or said too personally…or that you’ll lose ground or respect with them if you don’t make an impact immediately.

Yes, I know, it’s hard to entertain this idea…especially if you are really feeling strongly…

Step 2 is to PONDER.

Pause, PONDER…what happened between the two of you just prior to the altercation or exchange? What attitude, mood, energy did you bring into the situation? Maybe traffic was bad, or you recently had an argument with your spouse that is still hanging over your head, or someone made a comment on Facebook that rubbed you the wrong way, or you had a shitty day at work….AND THEN PONDER what happened for your child immediately before the moment between the two of you occurred? What might they be feeling or bringing to the table?

Step 3 PRACTICE.

Practice responding instead of jumping into action. A response might sound like this, “it sounds like you are angry with me about losing your phone for the night, let’s try and work through this.” Or maybe try something radical, like a playful approach…”listen you think I like reminding you about doing your chores, HELL NO, I’d much rather be taking a nap in the hammock then bugging you about unloading the dishwasher.”

I find when I am getting frustrated with my kids about their not listening or following through on something they need to get done, I will find a way to act silly enough that it gets them to move.

I know, that might sound weird, but it has worked for me! Playful parenting, right?

Does this 3-step process take time, YES! But we are less likely to inadvertently cause disconnection with our teenager if we take the time to think things through rather than yell, threaten, or hand out consequences as a reaction to words or actions we find personally challenging. Practice means we aren’t going to be perfect, or get it right all the time.

And, if you find you’ve reacted harshly instead of responded to them, take the time and make the effort to tell your child this. Some parents may feel this makes them look weak or would mean they’d “lose points”…what it really does is allow your child to see that you are (a) human, (b) vulnerable, and (c) desire to make a connection with them.

Think about this statement for a moment…

“A child’s behavior is a reflection of their attempt to get one of their basic human needs met; these include acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, autonomy, and connection.”

— Jolette Jai, Founder of the Jai Institute for Parenting

When you reframe your child’s behavior (or misbehavior as it may be) in those terms, it’s easier to digest that what is going on at the surface, may not be what is really taking place between the two of you.

Take the time to dive past the surface spark of your relationship challenges to connect the dots about what’s happening at a deeper level. At the end of the day we want to have strong life-long relationships with our kids, right?

Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences when you try this technique in your own home. Please send me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

Because they sure need you right now.

I learned to let go and detach from their outcome.

Lucky for me I have learned in thirty years of parenting that panicking is the LAST thing I should do at this moment.

One of the most important things we can do as parents of tweens and teens is to pause when a situation that reminds us of ourselves, or one that triggers us, takes place.

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