If you had asked me a decade ago, when my kids were between the ages of two and twenty, whether I had any expectations for their adult lives I would have something trite like “It doesn’t matter to me, I just want them to be happy.“

Because as parents that’s what we want for our kids, right?

But as kids develop intellectually, emotionally, and socially during adolescence, they often make a choice (or two…), behave out of character, or show up one day as someone you’ve never seen before and this can trigger the realization that you do actually have an opinion and some underlying expectations about how you think their life should flow.

Most parents I know believe high school graduates into college, then comes a solid job search which brings financial stability, at some point son/daughter finds a partner, they marry and buy a starter home which may come after renting for awhile and getting past some student debt, they usually start a family…smile, happy face, blah blah blah.

But, what happens when they don’t step seamlessly onto that path? My experience is parents will often become angry and/or frustrated with their son or daughter…rolling their eyes and telling friends they can’t believe their kid is taking six months (a year) off from life to “find themselves.” Sometimes parents may lose sleep wondering what will happen to their child’s future and may look for where they’ve gone wrong because their child isn’t “on the path” to a happy life.

Not me. When life started unfolding differently than I “expected” for my kids I decided to embrace the most valuable parenting lesson of my life.

I learned to let go and detach from their outcome.

When did we forget that our kids didn’t come into the world to live out our fantasies about who they are meant to become? When did we forget that each of us comes into the world with our own agenda and has been given the free will to create the experience and lessons we desire in order to evolve our soul?

Was it when our parents didn’t encourage us to take a road less traveled? And could they have done so because maybe their parent(s) didn’t support them in their off-the-beaten-path choices?

Over the past decade I have experienced my kids making decisions and taking paths I would never have expected or signed them up for…but, thank God for their courage to continue to walk their own way and for my ability to understand that my part in their life is to encourage and support whatever their life’s calling might bring.

My eldest son, Nick, spent his youth going between two very different homes. Though he had twice the parents most kids do (mom/dad/stepmom/stepdad) I believe that may have been a contributing factor to his feeling like he didn’t know exactly where he fit into the world. As I have written over the years, Nick fell into addiction in his early 20s and [fortunately for all of us] through some trials and a lot of hard work on his part (mentally and physically), with our emotional support and encouragement along the way, at 30 he is almost eight years sober and has created a life for himself that, while not perfect (because who’s life is anyway), is one he is comfortable, productive, and sees a bright future in.

I could not have predicted Nick would have to remake his life literally from the ground up in his 20s, but that’s what happened. No mother I know would sign their child up for living through hitting rock bottom and losing a parent to the disease. Soon to be married, he’s chosen a woman who compliments him and together they have discovered some new life interests…like parenting many an animal (birds/reptiles/rodents and my Granddog Jack) as well as a love of hammock camping! Nick didn’t chose the college path but has found a way to turn his passion for computers and IT into a fruitful career. Though there were years of uncertainty about the direction of his future, I have found myself inspired regularly by Nick’s courage to continue to take his unique steps and create a life all his own.

My second eldest, Allen-Michael, did graduate into college and his move after finishing that step (including studying abroad and taking a year away after his sophomore year to do ministry) was to go to work for a 30-year-old Catholic ministry organization out of St. Paul, Minnesota called NET (National Evangelical Team). At the moment Allen-Michael is leading the expansion of that ministry into Scotland. NET utilizes the talents of young adult Catholics to bring retreats to middle-school-aged kids to help them develop their faith in God. No plans to marry, when Allen-Michael is done with this assignment in Scotland he feels called to enter the seminary and eventually be ordained a Catholic priest.

I’m really excited to see what the next three kids teach me about life’s path! I fully realize their paths are about them not me.

Have you struggled with your child’s choices or what their future might bring? If so, I’d love to hear your thoughts/feedback/questions! Respond under comments or shoot me an email at realifeparentguide@gmail.com.

The back door slammed loudly as, once again, her teenage son stormed out of the house toward his car, backpack slung carelessly over his shoulder. She could hear him shouting something about her not being worth respecting. She plunked down into the kitchen chair and thought for the millionth time, “why can’t I get this right?!”

As she shared the encounter with me during our session, I began to see the pattern of what’s been happening between Beth* and her son.

I asked Beth to tell me what she was feeling when Scott* literally shut her out.

“Frustrated”, she responded. Then, a moment or two later…

“And angry, and sad, and disappointed in him, and in myself. I don’t understand what’s happened to what was once a close, trusting relationship. I know kids go through a lot when they are teenagers, but we just seem totally disconnected from each other now. There was a time when he could, and would talk with me about anything. Now we barely talk at all.” Tears began to flow and she reached for a Kleenex.

Angst between parents and their teenagers is not an uncommon issue. However, it can be exacerbated when mom or dad doesn’t recognize an underlying issue to be worked through in order to create a healthier relationship. These two steps can give parents a wonderful opportunity to learn about themselves and what makes their parenting tick. I run into so many parents who believe the strife at home is part of this stage of their family’s lives and further they don’t have a choice but to white-knuckle through it until their kid grows up and becomes (fingers-crossed) mature enough to see the parent was right all along.

While moms and dads may connect to the knowledge they didn’t always get along with their parents during the teen years and this comes with the territory, they fail to realize frustration and disconnect isn’t how it has to be and they do have some control over the outcome.

With a few concentrated steps you can gain insight, and control your part in the quality of the relationship you have with your adolescent.

For parents willing to look a little deeper and to set aside the widely held cultural opinion that teenagers are just going to be insufferable, eye-rolling, disrespectful creatures, there is an opportunity to make monumental personal gains and to redirect the relationship if it’s gone off the rails. A clearer understanding about what’s going on beneath surface friction involving you and your teen can change not only the current relationship, but the parent they will become one day to your grandchildren.

Let’s go back to Beth and her son Scott for a minute…

Scott stormed out of the house, which he has done in the past, because he felt his mom wasn’t listening to what he was saying. He wasn’t feeling respected while trying to explain to Beth what had happened between he and his girlfriend the night before. Beth appeared to be listening initially, but when Scott’s voice began to rise in response to a question she had asked him about his girlfriend, things began to tumble causing Beth to retort even louder than Scott before she questioned his judgment. This set him off, shut him down, and literally sent him out the door.

Much of the discord and miscommunication between parents and adolescents (or with your spouse) involves reoccurring unresolved personal beliefs you have yet to recognize, work through, and come to peace with. Our kids have the ability to mirror to us the areas where we need to see and to grow ourselves. If we don’t catch and redirect the underlying issue by working through it and moving on, these challenges will get played out again and again through the course of our relationships. Not only that, they often get passed down from one generation to the next! Why do you think you’ve thought on more than one occasion you’ve married your dad (or mom)?

This isn’t “you didn’t parent the right way because you weren’t given a good example,” it’s essentially about your kids bringing to the surface what you [often unconsciously] believe about yourself (or the story you tell yourself about who you are) and consequently buying into the automatic tapes playing over and over inside of your head that aren’t true.

Let me continue with the example above to illustrate what I mean.

Scott storms out, feeling unheard by his mom, as he leaves he loudly proclaims she is not worthy of being respected. This cuts Beth to the core because while she’d never say so, she’s long held a belief about being less than worthy of being heard and respected. After some discussion between the two of us, Beth recalls when she first began to feel this way about herself. Turns out this belief about herself was created when she was in elementary school and her dad would come home from work at night, you see she was often excited about her school day and wanted to tell her dad about what she’d learned and all her dad seemed to want to do was have a beer in front of the evening news. Beth’s dad words and actions made her feel totally brushed her off when all she really wanted was to be heard. Now, as an adult, upon hearing her son literally say she isn’t worth respecting in response to the way she was handling their conversation, the message is driven home yet again.

We aren’t here to throw Beth’s dad under the bus. As adults we know work days can be stressful and many of us have our rituals we like to go through when we get home. But as a kid Beth didn’t know this, she felt her dad ignoring her was a reflection of her stories not being interesting enough for her dad to care about listening to.

As the process of coaching through limiting beliefs goes, Beth and I deconstruct this belief Beth has been unconsciously living out (that she is not worthy of being heard or respected) after which we were able to put in place a new belief that better serves Beth, and one that is the building block to a healthier relationship with Scott.

This is what it means to become a more conscious parent. To make the effort to look within to see where the beliefs we took on as children are no longer serving us and (often times) inhibiting and burdening the relationship we have with our kids today.

With some additional insight and practice, and some new skills that honor Beth and Scott, over time they have butted heads less often and have been able to redevelop the kind of relationship the two of them had when Scott was younger. One where Scott feels able to come to his mom and talk about his challenges, feeling heard and supported, and they both got what they really wanted…a mutually respectful, loving relationship! Beth has even learned how to take the occasional slights Scott slips in much less personally.

Would you like to know what’s really going on beneath the surface of the arguments and strife you have with your teenager? Would you like to learn how to detach yourself from the occasional barbs that come out of your child’s mouth?

Shoot me an email, let’s talk FREE of charge about what I do and how I may be able to help you have the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted with your teenager.

What do you have to lose?

realifeparentguide@gmail.com

*based on a true story, names have been changed

The best way to deal with your adolescent…detach from the outcome.

I learned to let go and detach from their outcome.

It’s a Beautiful Thing to Live Trigger Free!

With a few concentrated steps you can gain insight, and control your part in the quality of the relationship you have with your adolescent.

Would you like to know what’s really going on beneath the surface of the arguments and strife you have with your teenager? Would you like to learn how to detach yourself from the occasional barbs that come out of your child’s mouth?

Shoot me an email, let’s talk FREE of charge about what I do and how I may be able to help you have the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted with your teenager.

What do you have to lose?

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